They Live Inside Of My Head, They Come To Me In My Bed

I stayed up too late last night and I'm up way too early this morning. But in those 4 meager hours of sleep, I had no less than 4 dreams. I'm very foggy right now so pardon my incoherence.

For your enjoyment, here's a brief description of each (oh, and contrary to what the experts say, I do dream in color):

Dream 1 - I went to a rock concert with 15,000 others and my mentally challenged friend Hagar was the drummer. He has Down's Syndrome. The other band members had different disabilities too but the band rocked their asses off. The only problem was that they were awful! But everyone loved 'em (especially their big hit- I Love Paste) because they overcame. At the climax of the show a flash pod went off and the bassist (blind guy who looked like my brother) caught on fire and the sight of everyone trying to put it out all "keystone cops style" was hilarious!

Dream 2 - I find myself at the home of the beautiful waitress at the East Indian buffet restaurant I go to regularly and I'm in the midst of meeting her family for an arranged marriage. We break out into song and dance and I do alot of things like hide behind a book case, peak my head out, smile and do that dance move that looks like I'm serving a pizza. We never got around to consummating the marriage.

Dream 3 - Suddenly I'm afloat atop acloud and my hair is very long and my skin is Jade. I've got a tortilla shell in one hand and a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger in the other (not a figurine but the actual pink one) and I'm singing a song that I can't quite remember but I'm almost sure it was by Supertramp. I fall off the cloud and suddenly I'm in a dark room and a giant midget walks into a spotlight and starts doing stand-up comedy. Not jokes, but the Michael Richards rant where he used the N - word and got himself in trouble. Then I'm sitting on a chair-naked, and I arch my back (just like in Flashdance) and 3 tons of spaghetti falls an me. End.

Dream 4 - I'm watching my wife have sex with another man and they're very into it. Then I go back to sleep and dream again. Here it is: I'm writing the great American novel but it's in Russian, and while I'm typing, J. Edgar Hoover breaks my door down. He's wearing an Angora sweater and fishnet stockings. He's got a giant cigar dangling from the corner of his mouth and he's got a machine gun. He yells at me "Die Pinko!" and sprays the room with bullets. I get hit multiple times but each bullet hit tickles and I giggle just like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. BAM - "Hoo hooo!" Then I wake up and my wife is kissing her boyfriend goodbye.

Prolly see ya in the New Year!

Mr. Winkie

I donned my "gay" apparell.

Okie dokie, it's Dec 28th and I gotta tell you, I've had the best Halloween ever! I dressed as a Ninja and went around my neighborhood causing trouble. I saw some guy dressed as a shepherd and I Ninja kicked him in the nads and his pet donkey looked on in complete and utter apathy; content in eating his grass.

Then I made my way over to the YMCA and sang "YMCA" for some down 'n' out types who seem to appreciate it. So much so, they threw me in the swimming pool then sang "In the Navy" to me. Oh, the aquatic hijinx we had!

I ate what the French call "tortier" (sp?). It's a meat pie that's guarenteed to clog the arteries of the most healthiest of Ninjas. But I survived because I'm Uber Ninja! The Nietchean wet dream folks (except for the non-aryan Japanese Ninja part).

All in all it was a fantastic Halloween.

All Feet Her Zain,

Mr. Winkie

Merry Christmas to you and other people and animals and the rain forest.

I'll be back in a couple of weeks or if I get bored with "Destroy All Humans."

As you may or may not know, Christmas is here and like the good little goy-boy I am, I will be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Saviour (Jesus Christ) with a shitload of beers and a headache from all the noise I have to put up with from my inlaws and immediate family.

I'm not a mean person but when I'm with the ones I love, I tend to be a curmudgeon. I'm going to try and beat that tendancy by being a loving friend, husband, father and uncle this year and if I have the urge to go mental, I'll roll up a spliff, head outside and self medicate.

Happy birthday Jesus!

Mr. Winkie

Hmm

Okay, so I changed over to Google and got the new blogger and when I open the comments, everyone is listed as annanymous. So my question is to the wonder-woman whose commented most, how come no one is showing up as who they are?

Oh, and I can't get to your blog now because I didn't bookmark it and I need desperately to know what's going on with your Pug.

Luv,

Take a guess...go on- guess.

Greek Alphabet Soup

I could probably look around and find out what I need to get in on this beta blogger thing but that would totally go against my modus operandi of getting other people to explain to me in simple, layman's terms how to do something.

What is Beta Blogger and what does it do for me? Will it make me smell better? Will I get answers to questions that I never thought I'd get until I reached my reward in the after-life?
Will it help eliminate fat from my diet?

I thank in advance the person(s) who respond to this.

Felix Navy Dad,

Monsieur Winkie

I'm A BBW Admirer!

I feel naughty because I'm posting the artwork of someone without their permission. But I don't feel too bad because at an average of 3 hits a day I get on this blog, I don't see too much potential for reprecussion.

Here's more of his/her stuff right here.

Happy Friday!

Mr. Winkie

Giving back to the community

A few months ago I began volunteering at the local hospital. My job there is to visit each patient in the ICU and yell into their comatose ears, "DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!"

It's nice to give back.

Take care gentlepersons,

Mr. Winkie

I Want You To Haunt Me

Someone who I just met brought up the subject of death recently and it got me to thinking of who I'd lke to see die and come back and haunt me. Here's a list of some of those people (but in no particular order):

Pauly Shore - I know it's a cliche to hate him but there's a reason it's a cliche. He's repulsive. Two reasons why I would want him to die and haunt me - 1) for the altruistic reason of saving the rest of humanity from any more shit from him, and 2) I'd like to find out if he has a pleasant, relatable side.

Cashier at Safeway - She always has kind things to say and frankly, she's cute. I would enjoy nothing more than waking up in the middle of the night to see her ghost sitting at the end of my bed and speaking in tongues...if you know what I mean ;)

The Wonder Twins - "Wonder Twin Powers activate! Form of...a lapdog! Shape of...world's softest pillow!" Then I would have the best sleep of my life as I snuggle both.

The entire cast of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - It's not like I don't already sing "Truly Scrumptious" to myself every night anyway. It would just be great to have those two british kids and that hot opera chick do it for real! I could also learn the dance steps to "The Ol' Bamboo."

The Kool Aid Guy - I would shout, "Hey Kool Aid!" and he would burst through my wall but wouldn't smash it because he's a ghost! All the coolness of Kool Aid without the expensive home repair! Awesome!

Jesus - Not the biblical Jesus but a nice Mexican man named Jesus (because everyone could use a cabana boy...ghost or not).

Rob Schneider (see Pauly Shore).

And there you have it.

Ich bin ein handsome,

Mr. Winkie

I Confess

It was good weekend for me. I only set 4 fires. I'm getting better.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

She just needed a fix.

This morning I made coffee, drank half of it then went into the shower. I got out of the shower, went to the living room and found that my dog drank the rest of my coffee.

My dog weighs 10lbs. A half a cup of coffee to her is like me drinking 8 cups of coffee. So, needless to say, she was rambunctious. I can't wait to get home tonight and clean up the after affects of injesting what I lovingly refer to as "nature's broom."

I suppose it won't be much different then when my kids were infants. This one time (not at band camp), I had my oldest son on the diaper changing table and I had his legs up but realized I didn't have a diaper in hand. So I bent down to grab one and he projectile shit on my head.

She's an odd dog. One time I bought an 1/8 ounce of weed and she ate that. The poor thing. Do you know how hard it is to hook up a PS2 and play Hitman - Blood Money when you don't have thumbs? It also must be absolute torture to want a slurpee and a gyro without even knowing what they are let alone being able to pop out of the house to grab 'em. I'm suprised she ain't insane.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

I'm a Blackman

It's tough being a blackman in today's society. Our culture has been appropriated by whitey for a couple hundred years and frankly I'm sick of it.

Yeah, that's right, I'm part black, homey. I'm also part native/ chinese/ japanese/ jewish/italian/ english/ samoan/ russian/ arabic, with just a dash of Newfie thrown in there too (that's where I get my silly streak from). In fact, I've had cards made up with my complete cultural lineage (email me if you want me to send you one). My card is 2 legal sized pages long and I think I'm the first guy ever to do that! Some have called my card cumbersome but they tend to be racists.

One thing I do like about society today is that everyone is so proud of thier heritage that we're getting further and further apart! Which is great because the further I'm away from Vikings the better off I am. Fucking Vikings. They smell, you know.

Keep it real,

Mr. Winkie

Check-one-two, check.

I don't know, am I back or what? I have no idea, but I will say that it's a definate maybe.

I suppose I should ask the question, "Does anyone really care? Really?"

Have a good lifespan!

Mr. Winkie

Hey Everyone!

It is with some regret but far more excitement that I announce that this blogspot or blogger place or whatever, will be closed or at least, not updated anymore.

Don't Cry!

I've moved my creative energies over to Myspace.com where you'll find a collaboration between me and my very good friend and talented musician Kerry and our drummer Splatter.

We have a band that we have alot of fun with and I think I'm the default computer liason between our musical contribution and the internet. And the irony here is that I'm not an expert in either. Hell, I always thought HTML was short for Hate Mail.

But I do ask, nay, beg that you come check us out over there and hang out. I will be blogging from time to time but it'll be on there instead of here.

Our band is called The Ne'er Do Wells and you can find us at this link:

http://www.myspace.com/the_neer_do_wells

So, thanks to all of you who have been supportive of whatever the hell it is I do.

Thank you, friends! I hope to see you there!

Winston Herbert (aka Mr. Winkie)

P.S

Over there on myspace, I go by a different name. I'm known as Troy Poodle which I think is a cool rock 'n' roller name, albeit a little faggy.

Larry The Cable Guy

I try to be positive about humanity but that attitude is extremely hard to maintain when you've just finished watching Hollywood's latest triumph du feces, "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector."

*Just a note here - Is Larry The Cable Guy a cable guy or a health inspector? Is it me alone that doesn't get that?

I hate it that I'm so worked up about what I consider to be the epitome of nothingness. Then again, maybe I'm jealous that he's made a fortune pretending to be dumb while I've gone broke pretending to be smart.

I use to go to his Website (which will never, ever be linked here) and before it was revamped he had a whole whack of essays where he shat(not literally) on homosexuals, Muslims, and gun control advocates, or as I like to call these groups - "Safe Targets." I went not because I liked him, but because it was so amazingly idiotic, juvenile and just poorly written that I got some perverse pleasure out of the anger I had toward him. I guess I got addicted. Well, those essays (I giggle everytime I call them "essays") are now gone from his website and I'm getting the feeling he's scaled back his hatred in the hopes of garnering a few more fans who will eventually buy "GET IT DONE, PLEASE?" mugs. Or is it "GET A GUN"? Or is it "GUT A NUN" ? I can't remember.

But by golly, his fans sure like him. I went to his new website recently and 1 guy...1 GUY! said he sucked. Boy, oh boy, if you're up for stirring the shit, go to a famous person's website, slag him/her and sit back and watch the (insert first name of famous person here) ______ Heads
go fucking ballistic!

Anyway, my point is that you just can't find decent parking downtown anymore.

Ciao.

Spreken da Bitzsch?

Out- out are the lights- out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero the Conqueror Worm.

One chunk of "Conqueror Worm" by Edgar Allen Poe

So, I think the above passage really sums everything up quite nicely, don't you? It's obvious that what Poe is refering to in the Conqueror Worm (and all his work really) is that folks need to be more friendly to each other when they go shopping.

Yesterday, I went to Safeway to pick up 2 loaves of bread and from the minute I approached the automatic door to the second I walked out of the store, I was raped with grumpiness by 3 different people. Folks sure can be charming, can't they?

Scene 1 - INT./SAFEWAY/DAY

LADY 1: "Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I would find cooking utensils?"

ME: "Sorry, I don't work here but I think they're..."

LADY 1: Well, think all you like but it doesn't do me much good, does it?"

(She sticks her surgery altered nose in the air and strolls off)
-End scene

Scene 2 (20 seconds later) INT./SAFEWAY/DAY

Man with chip on shoulder reaches for toilet paper on upper shelf and slips. His bum hits the ground.
MAN: Fucking, fuck! Who mops up around here? Fuck!

ME: Are you okay?

MAN: Fuck you!

END SCENE

Scene 3 (10 seconds later)

ME checks out bread by squeezing it. Puts 2 loaves in basket. ME turns as a lady walks by. She looks at me.

LADY 2: You are an idiot for shopping here.

END SCENE

I think Safeway should maybe check their air quality or something. Maybe they have toxic air circulating and it's causing people to be assholes. Anyway, I didn't let it ruin my day. I just went home and took my frustration out on the family then I was fine.

Ciao bellas

The Ne'er Do Wells get a MySpace...space

I've added a link to my newly created My Space space. I like space, so having a myspace space is something that I feel I should have.

I can't seem to upload an audio file, though. Can anyone here tell me how I do that? I promise you'll have fun educating me!

Sorry about not doing an entry yesterday but I really had some crap to do that ended up being for naught (or is it 'not')

I have a bum in my pants.

Thanks.

"When inspiration alludes you, quote someone else." - Mr. Winkie (2006)

Today I'm taking the lame-ass approach to blogging. Here are some quotes by famous people that directly or indirectly reflect my views on life, carreer, marriage, writing, creativity, or pretty much anything in general.

Enjoy!

"You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one."
Einstein

"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity."
Patrick Murray

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips

"I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it."
Sarah Silverman

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Humor is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks

"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."
Oscar Wilde

"People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news."
A.J Liebling

"I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts."
Orson Welles

"There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!"
John Stewart

"One should never underestimate the stimmulation of eccentricity."
Anonymous

“I can sympathize with people's pains, but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.”
Aldous Huxley

“I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.”
Hunter S Thompson

And the final quote that sums me up in a nutshell:

"I'm a one-man idiot."
Eddie Izzard

K, bye for now!

In the year 4025

I got to thinking on Friday that a guy by the name of Jesus was wondering around the middle east (and maybe France too) a couple thousand years ago, and told folks that it would be to their benefit to be nice to each other. Then, a couple hundred years later, some blokes wrote it all down the exact way it happened. Then, 2000 years later, a couple million people sign up for blog accounts and write shit exactly how it happens.

I wonder if those of us involved in the blogosphere will be looked at as chriniclers of a particular time or sumpin in the future. In case that does happen, I better do some chroniclin'. Here I go.

"And the Ball with a numerical value of 8 was held to the bosom of the Chosen One and shaken well. Crowds gathered as the Ball revealed it's secret and the people of the planet feasted on Dorritas and drank from plastic containers containing the ambrosia of Pepsye.

All rejoiced when the Ball's magical, mysterious answer to the question of the ages was revealed. It solemnly showed, "Yes."

With upliftment in the hearts of beasts and men, all began churning the butter of peace and spraying the fresh scent of Fabreeze on thier linens. A cloud of dust and those twirly leaves from the trees that children hold dear, arose to the sky above and in this cloud appeared a face so terrifying yet holy that the people cringed, vomited, then bowed to it.

"Praise you, oh dust devil!", they shouted out with glee.

It was then that the heathens from the south invaded the lands and raped it merily. They took the change from underneath cushions and programmed the image givers to show nothing but plays of reality. The southerners poisoned food and water and their overweight frames jiggled when they walked and they giggled when they talked, thinking it made the world go round, round, round.

Then, the Chosen One, Ball with the numerical value of 8 held high for all to see, came prancing in like an imp from a rainbow signed night club and muttered in a voice that should not have been heard by anyone, yet was heard by all, "Hey, get out of here unless you're in the parade!"

It was then that the waters became unpoisoned, and the food became pallatable, and the disease became curable, and the Mott became Hoopable. It was then that those of the south packed up and moved to eastern lands where they set up kiosks and sold various wares of questionable quality.

Amen

K, bye for now.

Friday's Fetish Foto Froo Froo

Today we will examine the art of Fetish Photography! If I knew anything about photography, I'd certainly give you my thoughts on these pics but all I know is that what I like is what I like.
I'm including links to the sites where I lifted these pics in hopes that will negate any thoughts of copyright infringement action. I don't know the models' names but the links are the names of the photographers.

Enjoy!

Aisha Roper has a fantastic eye (probably 2 fantastic eyes) and the rest of her ain't bad either! I love this woman in a way that could very well find me with a restraining order in my mailbox.

Chantal Manard. I've used her pictures here before and now I'm finally giving credit where credit is due. Viva les Chantal Manard!

Here's one for the heterosexul, female readers and my homosexual male friends. I don't know much about the photographer other than his/her name is Carey.

Good God, this guy is excellent! Perry Gallagher is his name and please go. He has a gallery so extensive it took me 45 minutes to find this one after enjoying about 100 others.

Here's my newest friend whom I link in my links section over on the right there. His name is B. Jonathan Michaels and he lives in a wonderful city called Saskatoon that can have some of the coldest weather ever, yet he's single handedly bringing heat to the town.

Well, it seems blogger won't let you add too many pics. Pfft.

Please enjoy these ones and please, please go to the websites and check these fine artistes out. If you can afford it, please buy something from them. Art is wonderful but sorely missed when the artist dies of starvation.

K, have a good weekend and bye for now!

Red Hat Society: Harmless Fun or Evil Incarnate?

Last night I did my first stand up comedy in nearly 4 months and I'd love to be self depricating and modest but I must admit that I did well. Was it the beer? Was it the decent, receptive crowd? Was it the material suggestions that my friend Cory gave me? Yes, yes, and yes.

There was a weird thing, though. There were about 6 or 7 post-menopausal (sp?) women sitting in one row, and they all had funky red hats on. Someone had mentioned that they were part of a group called "The Red Hat Society." I know nothing about it and I will Google it as soon as I'm done this entry. The reason I'm not doing the research first is because I have several theories as to what this group is about and I don't want to taint my hypothoses.

Red Hat Society
- An organized group of wives of high level businessmen who are actually the ones pulling the strings of their puppet husbands. They control content of women's magazines such as "O", Better Homes & Gardens, and Popular Mechanics.

- Women who have mastered 'dark arts' such as alchemy and astral travel. They have discovered a way to write their names in snow (while urinating) using cursive writing; a secret they refuse to divulge to lesser, non initiated women.

- A vigilante justice organization that uses shame, guilt, and purse hitting as their primary weapons against street criminals.

- Carrot Top Fan Club members

- Cyborgs with a collective concious they use to create the best...Jam...ever!

- Cult members out celebrating one last hoorah before Kool-Aid Day.

K, I'm gonna go look 'em up. Bye for now.

*Note: I just looked up Red Hat Society and I gotta tell ya, they seem like the sweetest group of ladies ever! I was way off in my theories. If there is a Red Hat Society lady that accidentally finds her way here, would you care to adopt a fastly approaching middle age, slightly overweight, married guy? I'll do chores and I will sexually please each and every one of you!

Red Hat Society's Official Website

Good things come in 3s!

My kids are so awesome, it makes me tingle! I get home from work yesterday (my 38th birthday) and found out they left the house and went to the mall. I was about to give 'em shit because they're not suppose to do that, the mall is a dangerous place, but they went on to tell me that the reason they went was because they wanted to buy me a present with their own money! How do you give 'em shit for that, eh?

But guess what they bought me? They bought me Gene Simmons from Kiss! But not just one doll. Not two dolls, but three of them! I have 3 Gene Simmons dolls in different poses from different times in Kisstory.

It was so cute because I lost my hard core Kiss fanaticism years ago and I really don't think my life would be less great if I didn't have these dolls in my possession. But they've heard my stories of my air guitar concerts, my bedroom walls with nothing but Kiss posters on 'em, and my application and subsequent acceptance into the Kiss Army (I was a field medic).

So yeah, it was cute and silly and totally loveable! I can't wait 'til Christmas when I open up the econo box of tampons they get me.

K, bye for now.

38 years old and never kissed a girl

Happy birthday to me.

Things I haven't done in my life that I wish I had by now:

Getting Hilary Clinton to fullfill my bondage fantasy

Running through a field of daisies with gentle, sweet music in the background, and my arms open to embrace...Godzilla. Then we'd fight to the death.

Tango-ing with Kathy Bates (I'd like to see if I'm strong enough for "the dip")

Drinking with Frankie Venom, Joey Shithead, Mickey DeSadist, Richard Hell, Johnny Rotten (actually forget Johnny Rotten, he'd just bring us all down), Captain Sensible, The Dayglo Abortions and Tipper Gore all at the same time.

Taking a slinky to a 12-Step meeting and saying, "Allright, let's get drunk and do this!"

Learning to spell cimonim/cinnommonnn/sinomum...the spice.

Write a "chick flick" with Andrew Dice Clay as the star.

Widdle a chunk of wood on my front porch and sing spirituals


Yeah, so that's about it really. Other than that my life is complete.

K, bye for now

For those about to rock...

In December '05 I commited to a 1 year hiatus from Stand-up comedy but I figued I would go back and do amateur nights every once in awhile just for the heck of it. Well, I think I'm on this week (I'm not totally sure, someone wanna lemme know?) and I tell ya, I'm nervous.

I'm not nervous to go on a stage, but I'm nervous about the new material I wrote for it. It seems to me like it's chok full of over used premises, wacky faces, and bad impressions. Okay, maybe not the wacky faces or impressions, but the premise thing has got me scared.

So this is my challenge to you, my 5 readers: post as many subjects on jokes you want in the comment column but they cannot be about anything you've ever heard a stand up comic do before. It doesn't matter if you've never seen live comedy before, I'll decide later if it won't work for me.

I know, you're thinking that I should be able to do it myself. Melba toast has never been done before so do melba toast." Well, I admit that I often get inspiration from the strangeness of others, so if you want, go for it! I'm all about taking chances, so make me take a chance!

And remember that others who leave a comment without the same knowledge as you are okay in my books and let's not turn this into a slagfest please. Everyone is welcome to post whatever subjects they want (hell, include an original joke and I'll try it out for ya- I'm not that proud!)

So let's get on with this experiment and see what happens!!

I'll post on Thursday and let ya know how it went!

Thanks,

Mr. Winkie

Feet & Food Freaky Friday Fetish Foto

Anyone hungry?

Have a good weekend nutjobs!

Mr. Winkie

Doug Stanhope for President! (And Frankie Venom for Prime Minister!)

I apologize to my well wishers who wished me well in my non smoking adventure. It was a failure and I feel like an absolute knob. I shouldn't beat myself up, I know, but that's what smoking does to you - it makes you feel shitty when you're not smoking and even shittier when you are smoking. Fucking stupid things.

But that doesn't mean I have given up! I'm trying a different approach. I don't want to give too much away but let's just say it involves the sacrifice of a live chicken every other day. I do promise this to you, my friends and family - I will have it beat before long. I'm gonna keep trying and maybe the time will come when the shame of failure is so great that I never want to feel it again. I wasn't even gonna mention it but I recieved two pieces of correspondi today that made me regret posting that I was gonna try and quit (you both know who you are).

But anyway, we'll give it another go next Wednesday, how's that? Why next wedenseday, you ask? That's my birthday and maybe considering it as a present to myself might work some kind of voodoo charm or something.

Head hung low,

Mr. Winkie

Doug Stanhope For President!!!

Until the American elections or until I get bored of doing it, the headline for every blog entry will be "Doug Stanhope For President!" He claims to be running for president in '08 as an independent and God help ya if he wins (seriously, God will help him far more than that shit-fer-brains ya got now). And suddenly, the world will be at peace and you can guarentee that at minumum, weed will be legalized.

Go Doug, go!

And, in other news...

It maybe just for today or it may last a couple of days, but I'm gonna spend some time wallowing in self pitty, sleeping, and/or generally not being creative. As a result, this blog thing will suffer.

I mean, it's not like it's gold everytime anyway. I struck gold with 2 maybe 3 entries but the rest haven't been gold, they've been more like potassium permanganate (that's the substance they add to Armor All to give it it's distinctive scent).

I wish I could write gold everytime, then I could write for a top notch sitcom (actually, is thee such a thing anymore?). As it is right now, I'd be lucky to get a gig writing for "World's Wildest Police Chases." Here's a sample:

"Our next criminal thought that driving the wrong way down a divided highway was a good idea... until the cops spotted him, that is!
He crashes into a highway divider and his loot of stolen Speak & Spells spills on the road, spelling out disaster for innocent passersby. The cops arrest him for bad grammer and grand theft auto.
Here's one criminal who will learn how to spell 'jailhouse ass rape' before he's ellegible for parole!"

I only wish Kate & Ashley Olsen were six and making those shitty straight to video things they made when they were six. Here's a sample of something I was commissioned to do years ago but my agent forgot to forward it. It's called "K-K-K-IDS!!!"

KATE: Ar ooo a Jew, Ashwey?

ASHLEY: No way, Jose!

KATE: Ar ooo a dorkie darkie, Ashwey?

ASHLEY: No way, Jose!

KATE: Are ooo da Imperwial Wizzad, Ashwey?

ASHLEY: (gives a "2 thumbs up" sign) Oooo got it Pontiac!

(The girls break into a dance)

END


BTW, I don't agree with what I wrote - I was commissioned to do it and I'm a big whore.

So don't be suprised if I miss an entry here and there over the next week or two. I apologize in advance.

K, bye for now.

So how do you feel, asswipe?

Hello mine friends,

Okay it's Monday and DAY 1 of me not smoking. The first day of not smoking is not that bad. The light headedness is not without a certain charm and it's still a novelty.

I read a blog sometime last week ( I Must Be Nuts ) by a guy who is trying to quit smoking and he seemed so sincere that I figured I'd give it another go after I had a weekend of debauchery, which consisted of attending my 2 yr. old niece's birthday, and a hockey game.

K, I'm feeling quite anxious as I write this. I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep. I need a snack.

I

am

discombobulated.


Charm has worn off.

Bye kids.

Freaky Friday...yeah whatever.

You may or may not know that I have an extreme appreciation for beauty originating from India. It started years ago when I first learned my current trade of "film projectionist" at a movie house that showed Art Films during the week and Hindi films on weekends.

The actresses that filled the screen were nothing short of stunning to me and while it may not be all that "freaky" to you, it is to me. I get extremely intense feelings of lust everytime I watch a Hindi movie (and I watch alot of them as part of my job). Maybe it's that exotic, forbidden fruit thing. I say that because marrying or otherwise "carrying on" with members outside the Indian culture is extremely frowned upon (I guess it's that way in alot of cultures).

And what's kinda weird about the culture is that here are the folks that wrote the definitive book on fucking - The Kama Sutra, and their movies are very sexy but there's no nudity and it's even rare to see a kiss that goes futher than a peck on the cheek. Everything to do with sex in Hindi films is hinted at through dance and song.

But anyway, here are a few pics of some East Indian actresses. I can write their names down but I find it hard to spell English names correctly, let alone exotic Indian names.















Oh, and a side note - I believe India is the origin of the most Miss Universe winners. I think many of you will agree why.

K, Chukria (that means thank you in Hindi but I doubt the spelling is correct)

More Hindi Goddesses!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!


K, bye for now!

Just What Everyone Wants - A Poetry Blog

Earth to Thought

Earth to thought
please come in
I'd like to know
where you been
As elusive as
snow in June
Must be on the dark side
of the moon

Earth to thought
all systems failed
Protective tiles
fell off your tail
You been gone
for a millenium
"Ahh, Houston?
We have a problem."

Has Astral travel made you sick
Or have you been sucked into a black hole
Are you a victim of Newtonian physic
Oh thought I miss you soooo!

Earth to thought
say hi to Major Tom
You use to hang with me
Now you're gone

I need you but you don't seem to
need me
I guess you burnt up
on re-entry

For My Illuminati Brethren

As we all know, He has come!

Those of you who know the secret to decoding what's below, I ask this of thee:

At 0300hrs on the 17th day of the 3rd month in the 2006th year of our Lord, recite this poem so that our one voice can help He who is in Darkness shine light on us all once again!

Now decode the blank space and blankness will be ours no more.

Oh! Ohhhh
I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cos I just wait till you write me your coming around
I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!
Hey , alright now
and dont it feel good!!hey

yeh I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true
and I don't want to spend all my life , just in waiting for you
now I don't want u back for the weekendnot back for a day , no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay
woah yeh!
I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!! Hey , alright now
and don't it feel good!!hey yeh ,oh yeh
and don't it feel good!!
walking on sunshine
walking on sunshine
I feel the love,
I feel the love,
I feel the love that's really real
I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
and don't it feel good!!
I'll say it again nowand don't it feel good!!

Go in peace, my children for our day is upon us!

Ich Bin Ein Uber Dork

I'm at Tim Horton's (for my American cousins, it's amazingly delicious coffee served by amazingly inefficient people), and I'm standing in line behind two city workers who are wearing identical cover-alls, both with big yellow, reflective 'X's on the backs of them. Two tills open at the same time with one till in between the two X men. Standing at the till between them is a guy with some circular symbol on the back of his jacket. Behind me is a mom and a kid who appears to be about 10. So I look at the till then back at the kid. I say to the kid, "Hey buddy, it's your turn." The kid looks at me confused, and I say "for tic-tac-toe. It's your turn. You're 'o' so go."

This was my way of having fun and I thought the kid would get a giggle out of it. But the kid took me very seriously and went to the guy on the left, crouched down and made an "o" with his arms. Just after he said "Okay, it's your turn now," the guy with an "X' on his back turned and tripped over the little kid, causing him to cry.

I felt like such an idiot. The Mom shoved me aside, gathered her crying kid up, passed me with a huff and left without getting their coffee.

The whole experience made me think of when Kings would use slaves or servants to play Chess on a huge board out in the courtyard and sometimes when disputes were serious, the servants' or slave's lives were on the line.

So if you're out there, kid, I'm sorry you got hurt but guess what? I won by default!!! Loser!!

K, bye for now

P.S
This is unrelated but I just want to say that both Mac and PC computers are frigging useless. Linux people should just go to hell too, and while I'm at it, those dumb dumbs who use an abacass are retards. And microwave ovens? What are you an idiot?

Okay, now that that is done, I have to go check my 'hit counter'.

No Coffee Day

Yesterday I decided to cut back on coffee by cutting it out completely. The following are mistakes I made that I think are the direct result of my lack of caffiene:

My youngest son said 'good morning' to me, so I disconnected the mouse from the computer and threw it outside.

I watched back to back reruns of Saved By The Bell...and enjoyed it.

When I left for work, I put the car in reverse instead of drive. It seemed like more work to correct it than driving to work backwards so I drove to work backwards.

While waiting at a red light I saw a woman yawn and thought that it was how wide she opened her mouth that made her so damned attractive.

I cried in the car for no reason and had stomach cramps at the same time. I swore I was having my period.

I got an idea for a movie script so I jotted down notes, went to the bathroom, came back and re-read my notes and realized I was writing the plot for "Zorro -The Gay Blade."

So needless to say, I'm back on the Joe.

K, bye babe.

No Entry today

Hi everyone! I apologize for the lack of entry today but I got the call and I'm leaving in 1/2 hour to join my commrades in the French Foriegn Legion (the picture above is of our batallion and i'm the one with the beard). As a result, I don't have time for the fetish foto nor do I have time to create an entry. This may seem like an entry but it's not, trust me.

We're being sent to a brand spanking new country that popped up in Eastern Europe called Debbieharrystan to keep peace and help repopulate. I don't know much about the country, all our dossier says is that the new leader "Buk Ivan" wants to create a country that people can "live in peace and harmony but has an overall 'nightclub' feel to it" - whatever that means. I think we're also assisting the locals in putting disco balls on all the street lamps.

I know what you're thinking, "Monsieur Winkie, war torn countries are dangerous and we fear for your safety." It's okay, I'm scared too but I know we're gonna be allright because our commandant is none other than World Wrestling Entertainment's Batista.

If you've never seen him before, that's him to the right. He sure is a big SOB, eh? He also seems to be very popular with my commrades who don't have wives or girlfriends and like HGTV.

Okay, if all goes well, I should be back by late Sunday night and I will put up a blog entry on Monday morning. Again I apologize that there is no blog entry for today.


K, bye for now!

Nazis sure knew how to smoke.

I've been smoking cigarettes for far too long and I've seen alot of different styles of smoking, but no one smoked with as much flair as Nazis. I don't admire them at all but one must admit that their smoking style fit perfectly with that evil empire thing they had going for awhile. Of course, the Nazi's were generally anti-smoking but I only see the ones in movies, so that's where my conclusions come from.

They would put the cigarette between their pinky finger and...whatever the one next to it is called and move it up to their mouth very slowly, like they didn't need it. If you smoke, I suggest you light one up now, hold it like I described and say this in a high but calm voice: "Helllooo Herr Doctor. We've been expecting you," then with your lips pursed, smile with half your mouth, slowly raise the cigarrette up and take a puff. See? You look like a Nazi!


My friend Jason was a geeky guy who had a funny way of smoking. He'd put it between his fore finger and swearing finger like the average smoker, but he'd splay the rest of his fingers as wide apart as he could. He looked like Spock at a cocktail party (the alien, not the child psychologist).
Here's my impression of Spock at a cocktail party, after he's had a few: "Illogical, shmillogical, who does an alien have to blow to get another Manhatten around this place?!"


Truman Capote demonstrates the artsy way of smoking. You must have your smoking hand touching your head as often as possible for full effect. I've used this method at a wrap party for RENT and it makes you look like a genius. Mind you, I was at a wrap party for RENT.

~~~525 thousand, six hundred minutes. That's how long this play seems to last~~~

(sorry, everytime I refer to RENT, I have to sing that)


If you're a tough guy and you want to look macho, you simply make a fist but stick the knuckle of you fore-finger out as far as possible while holding the cig in there and make quick, definitive movements. Then say, "Fuckin' idiots poured the cement of the driveway, fucked off and now it's all cracked! I paid 900 buck for this? Fuckin retards," (make sure you don't pluralize the word "buck"). And if you can get to one, try this method at a wrap party for RENT.

Don't get me wrong, smoking is bad. Right kids? Right, so don't do it and stay in school too. Oh yeah, eat your vegetables as well and respect your parents. And ahh, ummm... consume, consume, consume.

K, bye 4 now.

My Love Blog Entry

At lunch time I open my blog to see if anyone's read it. Then, after the dissapointment goes away, I click on the "next blog" button up there and do some reading. I've noticed over the past couple days that a few blogs have popped up about couples in love and how much they love each other and their wedding plans and all the love they have for each other. After reading these, I realized that I only tell my wife I love her during climax and that I should say it more often. In an effort to correct that, I have created this love blog entry. You can read it if you like but you might find it boring and sappy.

For Mrs. Winkie,

Hey you! Yeah, you. Listen, we've been together for like an eternity, for fuck sakes and there's no one I'd rather spend that eternity with than you. I hope you feel the same because if you don't and you leave me I will kill our dog. The dog you pet more than me. Dead. You got that?

You stink so pretty baby, I can't get my nose away from you.

You make me smile when you smile because I'm a monkey who just immitates what he sees and I have no emotion other than what you hint at I should have. And I love you for that because I would be blank without you, baby! Blank.

Don't forget what I'll do to the dog, okay?

I like holding your hand because it feels nice and comforting, what with my chronic inner ear infection that makes me wobbly all the time. You're my rock, baby!!

I love you so much and I don't deserve you because momma said I would never deserve anything good in my life so you better not stop loving me or else I'll go crazy and be homeless and it'd be your fault.

I love you.

Do you love me? You say you do but I don't know for sure. If you did love me, you'd lift our fridge over your head and hum Ride Of The Valkyries. I'll expect that later when I get home.

I like it when you wear autumn colors. Stop wearing summers from now on because I love you so much you'd do anything for me like kill the president, right?

Your vagina is warm and it pleases me to be in it.

I love you so much, my life would be shit without you although I feel like shit most of the time but you're like if shit were to have light rays shining out of it like those pictures of clouds with God's light shining through. You know what I mean?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, you make good pasta.

I love you and I think your the most prettiest woman in the world!! But the following are changes you should make:
-You should start binding your feet like in China
-You should put rings around your neck and stretch it until you can't support your own head.
-Hockey pucks in your lower lip.
(I'll get back to you with more changes)

That's it for now but I just want to wrap it up by saying, "I love you honey bunches!"

Smooch,

Mr. Winkie

Have I scared "the man?"

A strange thing happened - I can log into blogspot, I can draft and post an entry but I can no longer view my blog from work. When I try and open it, it says that I'm "not authorized to view this page." I'm not at all computer savy so I don't know if it's a temporary glitch or the I.T. guys have done some blocking magic but it does make me feel kinda like a subversive, mole or spy type guy trying to fuck with the Russians' heads back in '66. And if you've read this blog, you know that I don't really say anything with much substance to it, I just spew out retarded scenarios with the hopes of being slightly amusing. But now I'm all paranoid.

It'd be cool to be a spy, though. The best clothes, the coolest gadgets, the hottest women, the ability to drink copious amounts of gin and still keep your bow tie straight. I got all those things going for me now, sure, but to get paid for it? Frickin awesome!

They probably make decent coin, those spies. What, at least 80 grand a year with good dental coverage, eh? That's double what I make now and I don't get to travel, unless you count the odd trip to Red Deer to hang with Uncle John and Auntie Cookie.

On the flip side, it sure would be cool to be the head of a giant corporation with secret, evil plans to take over the world. We all know it'll just end in tears but the ride to doom would be wicked awesome! I could have a hobby I'm passionate about that keeps my evilness all subdued, a hobby like bee keeping and I'll fit the bees with tiny radio headsets and train them to attack the good guys on my command. "Get him, bees! Kill, kill...KILL!" But I will love the bees.

I've always wanted minions too. I got 2 kids but asking them to tidy up their school binders doesn't have the same 'umph' as getting an employee to stalk and murder an MI-6 guy because he's figured out that I want to poison the entire Pizza Hut dough stock with a mind controlling substance that I've chemically engineered myself.

Oh well, maybe I've pissed someone off or maybe it's just some computer setting thing that's gone nutso, I dunno. All I know is that you haven't heard the last from me! No,...you haven't heard the last from me! Mwaaaa haaaaa haaaa haaa!
(*gently strokes pet iguanna)

K, bye for now.

John Stewart + Oscars = Brilliance

Just a quick thing that's bothering me today.

I've done 3 things in the past 2 days I wouldn't normally do: last night I watched the Oscars, today I read reviews of the Oscars and at lunch, I dined on canned dog food.

I don't know if it was bad audio from the audience or their actuall reaction but the audience didn't seem keen on John Stewart. Which spells out S-U-C-C-E-S-S to me. If any group of people needs to be brought down a notch, it's the big time movie actors. The pretention is so thick and their idea of their worth is sooo fucking irritating I could've just smashed my TV, but my wife and I had a bet involving sexual favors (I guessed 13 out of the 24 categories and won my hummer fair and square, btw) so I couldn't smash it.

Anyway, if you're a famous actor/actress and you happen to read this (haha I'm so funny), please do us all a favor and get down off your high horse and learn to take a fucking joke. You wonder why box office is low? It's because the movies you make suck, it costs way to much for an average joe to go see one, and frankly we're sick of seeing your anorexic, 'i'm so misunderstood', drug addled mug on every newspaper, television, billboard, cereal box, pez dispenser, hamburger box, or space available.

John Stewart kept it entertaining and funny and current. It ain't Louis B Mayer's Oscars anymore, so live with it.

K, bye for now.

Stonehenge - I've figured it out!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Freaky Friday's Fun Fetish Foto - Ep. II

Okay, here's something that does not at all turn my crank in a sexual way. It certainly does on a much deeper level, though.

Grown People in Diapers


Those of you who know me personally will find it hard to remember any time where I said something to the effect of, "That is just so stupid I can't agree with it." The reason is I'm a big ass libertine and as such, I have an obligation to those with different 'bents' to say "way to go!" But even after saying that, I think I'm alloud to giggle just a bit, aren't I? I'm sure people do it to me all the time. Anyway, this particular fetish makes me giggle. I don't find it attractive, nor sexy but that's the great thing about fetishes! The more uncomfortable others are with it, the more exciting your fetish is!

Some people take their sex very seriously though and get quite upset if you make light of it or joke about it (eg. never tell a lesbian that she looks like Meatloaf with a buzz cut). So I don't know if diaper fetishists see the silliness of what they do or if men who dig chicks in leg casts (that'll be next week's fetish) realize how strange that looks to others but I hope they do. I even kinda wish there was a parade celebrating each and every weirdo thing out there. Or, better yet, have one big one with all fetishes represented. The diaper people and the S&M folks marching arm in arm, the midgetporn fans and the footsuckers embracing on the streets, and the scat lovers hurling their desires at everyone else. It'd be freak-a-riffic!

I don't know what I'm getting at here but if you live in a community and see a feller in a dog collar being dragged around by his dominant partner, don't judge. Just walk over to him, pat him on the head and say, "good boy." Then, as you walk away, you can giggle your ass off because that's totally fucked!

I heart you,

Mr. Winkie

American Idol is bigger than Jesus.

I can't remember what night it was but on American Idol last week, Paula Abdul said, "this is the best show ever, the best show in the world! It really delves into the human spirit."
If I didn't want to have sex with her so bad, I'd hunt that woman down and stimulate her clitoris until she died! If American Idol does anything, it strips the contestants of any sort of humanity they may have had to begin with. Her saying that is like saying, "Politics brings out the best in overly ambitious people."

She was so sincere too, that's what killed me. At least Simon makes no qualms about him being entertainment's version of Dickens' Fagin. He's out to create pick-pockets. El Divo (Simon Cowell's creation and in no way are they related to 80's new wave Gods DEVO) are 4 handsome Opera singers (Devo were 5 geeky college students). I don't know shit about opera but my guess is they're relatively stinky. Better than me sure, but better than that big fat Italian guy? Prolly not.

*Note- if you know anything about opera, please let me know if these guys suck or if they're actually any good. That is a bit of research I don't think I can do on my own without puting a gun in my mouth. Thanks.

Popular music has long been filled with flash-in-the-pan, marketed for public consumption, lame asses. Once in awhile a good one manages to rise to the top. Ricky Nelson was a teen T.V sensation on Ozzie & Harriet and managed to get a record deal because he looked so good to chicks. But he also wrote some fantastic rock 'n roll songs with emotion and catchy hooks. Whadda we got these days? "Don't you wish you're girlfriend was a freak like me?" My God, I'd rather be ass raped by pro wrestler "The Big Show" than hear that again, but I better lube up 'cause there's no stopping shit.

Anyway, the kids like it and as I've mentioned before, kids like shit and there's nothing we can do about that. It's just too bad that parents end up paying the money for it.

And to move this in a different direction, am I becoming one of those opinionated blog geeks? I wanted to stay away from that but I'm allowed a slip up every now and then, eh? Sure.

K, buy 4 cow

Mr. Winkie - Male Prostitute

I saw a study somewhere that said people change careers every 10 years nowadays. If that is the case, then I'm 3 years away from a major career change. I decided today that in 3 years I'm gonna become a male prostitute, specializing in middle aged to youngish, senior citizen women.

I know, the vast majority of male prostitutes tend to be younger guys with no body fat who suck cock for crack, but that's why my plan is perfect. It's a niche market, man! I can get some nice suits and be like Richard Gere in American Gigilo (because, as we all know, Hollywood always portrays prostitution with severe realism) and I'll charm the ladies!

Don't worry sweety, we'll stay married as long as you can handle my career choice. Sure, it'll be tough and you may get jealous from time to time but we'll learn to live with it. Just think of all the experience I'll gain and how that will better our love making time!

I'll take the ladies to bingo and hold their bingo dabbers all suggestively and let them kiss the tip of their dabber and I'll smile and wink at them and they'll just know that later they'll get their aged rocks off. I'll even go with them to the theraputic whirl pool in their senior complex and give all the other older folks something to be gossipy about as they play crib the next day in the common area. And who knows, that may be a good way to network.

The lonely, middle aged ones are the money ticket, though. And if movies have taught us anything, it's that they'll be the best looking ones too. Everywhere I look there'll be Anne Bancroft look-alikes waiting to seduce me. Bring it on Mrs Robinson, bring it on.

Of course, I'll practice safe hooking. You know, call my wife when I'm on a date so she knows where I'll be if a trick turns bad. You never know, I might suddenly find myself on the bad ass end of a flying purse because my "date" is a psycho who missed her meds that morning.

I'll even be that male hooker that goes the extra mile and cuddles with my date for awhile after the deed is done. A "male hooker with a heart of gold," if you will. I'll hold her as we watch Emiril, and she'll giggle like a school girl when I echo Emril and whisper playfully in her ear, "bam."

Yeah, so I think that's gonna be my next job.

K, buy me now.

Hey, Yo My Names is Cyrus Janzel

Yo, yo - I'm taking over for Mr. Winkie in this Bloggizzle for today. My name is Cyrus Janzel (in da pic to your left, I'm the one with the board) and I'm a singer/songwriter/dancer/choreographer for popular Florida based boy band "Shasta Ferrari." Mr. Winkie needed a break from penning and I needed a break from all the girls (whaddup ladies?!!) so I am here to werk-it-out wit ya!

Yeah, yeah, check it out. I gotsta tell ya'll i been B-I-Z-Z-Y! Bizzzzzayyyyy on da frizzzayyy. Last month, the other boys in my group and myself got back from a tour of the Mid Western U.S (what up Corncobs?!!!), and it was smack all da way! I bedded some poon and all but I really think I fell in love with a special girl. Sorry ladies but the Cyrus just won't jyrus wit ya anymore. Okay, I will but only until I find her phone number and/or remember her name.

Our new CD (Girl You Make Me Spit Out O' My Privates) is selling like hot cakes and our first single (I Need You Girl So Why You Kneed Me?) is banging up da radios all across the continent! Yeah, yeah. But we never get played on University stations, it's all that Emo crap and I don know nuffin bout Emo. Wasn't there a doll called Tickle Me Emo and da furry would all dance n whatnot when you touched him in the hole or sumpin? Ha ha ha, juice kiddin, kiddies! I tell ya homeeez, i was worried after our second album only sold 25 million copies. I thought for awhile I would have to go back to school and take medicine or sum shit (after I got my GED, of course). Stay in school kids! But thankfully we've sold 60 million on our new one and maybe we'll reach our debut album's sales of 435 million copies (I think that's like double platinum or sumpin).


It's nice to be home and do sum chillin. The hood is a bit changed though, but my Mom and my church are here still and that's all I need (Whaddup Mom & Jesus??!!!). I miss the church 'cause dat's where my voice developed. It developed through God and I thank him every day for my gift. And there's a ton of hotties in pews!!! (Whaddup Hotties In The Pews and Mom and Jesus!!!).

So we're back on tour next week. Me and the crue (Anton Jazz, Opal Diamomd, Hep C and P-KING DUCK) are just rehearsing some new choreography I come up with on the bus. It's gonna show up on our next video for our second single that I wrote about a very personal subject. The tune is called "Why You Touch Me Uncle Joe?" But ya gotta confront the bad feelings in your life and keep it real, dawg. Yeah.

So I will definately see you fine ladies on the road and remember - KEEP YOUR DREAMS ALIVE BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE DREAMS YOU"LL HAVE A BAD SLEEP AND FEEL BAD N STUFF.

K, Get chillin!

Uber Long Monday Entry

Each month of the year has about 4,628 different themes to it as decreed by somebody somewhere. For instance, February is Heart Month. I'm always happy when I make it through February without having a heart attack because it seems irony always plays a large role in death.
February is also African American History Month. It would be extra ironic if I had a heart attack and while I was in hospital, I was diagnosed as the first white guy to ever have sickle cell anemia.

I'll highlight a just a few observances for each month but not all. Oh, and these appear to be American. I don't know for sure, but I imagine there's similar stuff up here in Canada. I found the PDF file that has this info here.

January is (among many others):
National Tea Month, National Oatmeal Month, and National Soup Month. It is also Clean up your Computer Month (what the fuck are you doing with your computer if it takes a month to clean?), Love Yourself Month (oh, I see now why it would take a month to clean your computer), Bald Eagle Watch Month, It's O.K To Be Different Month (the rest of the year you're screwed Micheal Jackson!), and Poverty In America Month (The rest of the year you're screwed Willie Nelson!).

February
National Cherry Month (watch out virgins), Snack Food Month (wouldn't you love to be a lobbyist for these guys?), National Dental Health Month (oooh, there's gonna be a fight with the snack food guys!), International Embroidery Month (can you imagine the hookers and coke at that convention?).

March
National Peanut Month, National Umbrella Month, Mental Retardation Awareness Month (coincidentally, this is the same month our family has a reunion), National Optimism Month (I'm sure that will never last), National Youth Art Month (the display space for these art pieces is the world's biggest fridge).

April
National Stress Awareness Month(isn't this the month we do our taxes as well?), Soft Pretzel Month (they should really get with the folks who started National Impotence Awareness Month), National Humor Month (I believe Tony Danza is the poster guy for this one), and of course, National Straw Hat Month.

May
National Allergy & Asthma Month, National Salsa Month (why is there no stat holiday for this?), Correct Posture Month, National Messes Month (c'mon honey, it's the only time of year I can jizz on the carpet without guilt), Touring Theatre Month ( That Fred Phelps guy is busy wizzy this time of year).

June
National Accordian Awareness Month (If you've heard the sound of an accordian, your'e fucking aware of them), Kids Month (I guess Christmas just ain't enough), National Turkey Lover's Month (Cmon people, shine on your turkey everybody get together, learn to gobble gobble gobble right now), International People Skills Month, National Ragweed Month.

July
Dog House Repairs Month, Blueberry Month, National Anti-Boredom Month (weird considering July is the most boring month of observances)

August
Back To School Month (I bet kids are happy as shit about this one), Admit You're Happy Month (if you don't, cops show up at your house and jail you), National Beauty Pageant Month, National Clown Month (John Wayne Gacy killed more young boys in this month than any other).

September
National Chicken Month, National Baby Safety Month (because, we all need to be reminded not to put them in blenders that are plugged in), Hug A Texas Chef Month (I smell the premise for the sequel to Broke Back Mountain), Update Your Resume Month ("It says here under computer skills that "you can kick your dad's ass in Pong,").

October
National Vegetarian Month, Go Wild Eat Ham Month (seriously!), Stamp Collecting Month, National Roller Skating Month (obviously this list hasn't been updated since 1985), Right Brainer's Rule! Month (cant the right and left ever see eye to eye? This bipartisanship has got to go), Auto Battery Safety Month.

November
National Alzheimer's Month, National Family Stories Month (I put the previous two side by side because I have an evil streak tee hee), National American Indian Month (I suppose the 6 of them the Puritans didn't kill get together in Vegas), National Alcohol Education Month ("Okay class, just remember that when slurping Jaggermeister out of a shooter girl's belly button, be sure to not bite. Here endeth the lesson).

December
National Bingo Month, Universal Human Rights Month (I hear that the humans in other parts of the universe are treated very poorly), International Calendar Awareness Month (I popped a blood vessel in my head thinking about that one), and Read A New Book Month.

There's tons more for each month so if you think you've been missed, then please go to the website above and look for your fetish and it'll tell ya when its celebrated.

K, bye for now.

Freaky Friday's Fetish Fun Foto #1

Before we begin today's entry, I have an announcement to make: The Friday Foot Pic is no more...well sort of. I'm changing it from "The Friday Fun Foot Foto For Fellow Fans Of Feet" to Freaky Friday's Fetish Fun Foto."

The reasons are that the foot thing is just too limiting, and this title is much easier to remember. Also, I think (in general) fetishism is brilliantly entertaining and sometimes sexy too.

Actually, this would be a good opportunity to apologize to my female readers. I can't help that I like what I like and I can't help dwelling on it. I'm not at all a sexist pig, I'm just a guy who is fascinated by what strange things do to me - physiologically speaking. But don't worry ladies, we'll have stuff for you too, maybe. But ask nice, okay?

So I guess this is installment 1 of our new weekly feature.



Sex & Religious Imagery

I don't know what it is about sex and religious imagery that makes me all excited but gosh dernit, I'm all for it. Maybe it was my Catholic upbringing and what, as a youngster, I perceived as it's inherent hyprocrisy (I felt that way although I couldn't have verbalized it as eloquently as I can today because I had late on-set geniusitis), or maybe its just because I'm a freak-a-zoid.

Here's a simple picture I found on the internet at chantalmenard.com. (If you go there and check out other galleries be sure to exercise caution. There's some stuff on there involving piercings and suspending yourself from a ceiling using those piercings)


I can't help but marvel at the beauty this woman has and the fact that I see a nipple. The pic is so pretty, so dark, so innocent and so sinister all at the same time, how can you not want to take her confession?

So, honey, when I say that I want to have sex with you while you're wearing a nun's habit, I don't mean that I want you to become a nun then have sex with you, because that would just be totally wrong! It's all about the imagery. And that imagery was created by people, not the good Lord himself. At least, I hope so.

K, have a good weekend.

All I want is baby boomers to get their head out of their asses.

Good day all.

I have a boss at work who can't google and that makes me giggle. Yesterday she was feeling very down and depressed that she could not find a particular book in any local bookstore. I asked what book it was and she says, "Aesop's Fables." I thought that was a drag because not too long ago, I needed to find Old Yeller and had alot of difficulty. It turns out she didn't want it as a gift for someone or for her to have a copy at home, she just wanted to read a couple fables and write her own type of fable for some big boss event or something. Oh, the corporate world is so very lame!

So I said, "Hey, have you tried the internet?" She looked at me like I had found her stranded in the desert and I was carrying 30 Big Gulps. What year is this? It took me all of 2 minutes to find Aesop's Fables in their entirety. It would've taken me 1 minute but I had to spend one minute shaking my head and contemplating her stupidity.

I ended up spending the rest of my day trying to figure out how someone could be that dense and it hit me. She's one of those weird baby boomers that has had everything done for her. Her education (she has 3 degrees, one of which is journalism!) totally paid for, her husband makes somewhere around 250 gees a year, and her employees find Aesop's Fables on the internet for her. She is so out of touch with reality.

I like to make things up on this blog but I promise you, these are true quotes from her. I promise!!! Seriously!

"Being in a wheelchair ain't all bad, the spot you get at the movie theatre has so much leg room!"

"I hate Hawaii. There's too many tourists. I should know, I've been there 7 times." (yeah, cry me a river).

"My husband is going to kill me, I bought a baby grand piano at lunch."

"The Vagina Monologues was very funny but they could have had a man's point of view for balance."

"My son was suspended from school for breaking into the artroom and destroying other students' stuff. His teachers are out to get him, I swear."

This one is my favorite:

"In my day we all just wanted peace, love and understanding and we had that for awhile. Then the next generation comes along and with them it's all about violence. I don't understand how kids could end up so selfish when their parents practiced peace. It's obviously video games and rap music."


I'm sure it's not all boomers but it seems to me that a large chunk of them will blame society's ills on anything but how they raised their own children. Sorry boomers, I hate to be mean but it's true. Now please go back to spending my retirement funds.

Introducing The Ne'er Do Wells

The Ne'er Do Wells

I'm quite pumped about something a friend and I have been working on for awhile now. A guy named Kerry (the most talented bastard I know), myself and Paul M(the second most talented guy I know) started a band a year or so ago. Paul has since moved to Toronto to get plastic surgery, but Kerry and I are back at it and we're recording a CD.

Here's what's going to happen to us:

We finish the cd and put a couple of tracks up on a MySpace account. 2 or 3 kids get ahold of the songs and start telling their friends. Soon, millions of kids are downloading it for free. Then Alan Parsons hears about us and invites us to record it properly in an abandoned church in Fiji. Kerry gets involved with a Fijiian model and I take to the bottle out of jeleousy. We break up the band but the cd is released and it sells a billion copies. Travis Tritt and Green Day fight over which one gets to open for us even though we're broke up. 20 years later we reunite at a festival in Fiji. We make ammends and write 3 shitty tunes and re-release our original album with those as bonus tracks. Then Kerry runs for the Green Party and I start a cult.

K, http//www.byfornow.net

Yeah, I've worked

I've had some jobs before.

My first job was washing dishes at a greasy spoon type diner. I found dentures under a napkin once and immediately ran out to find the person who lost 'em. No one that came to that diner had teeth so it coulda been anyone but there was an old man looking quite distressed just outside. I go out and say in my best 1940-50ish movie kid voice, "Gee Mister, are ya looking for these?" I held out my hand and showed him the dentures. He started to cry. Then he hit them out of my hand and walked away. It took every ounce of restraint I had to not shove 'em up his ass. I should've done that, though. "Hey Mr. Higgins, nice smile you got there!"

I drove a taxi cab for 2 years. I picked up this lady and she says, "Take me to the red cross, I'd like to donate blood." What I meant to say was, "Oh, that time again?" and leave it at that. But what came out was, "Oh, is it that time of month again?" After an umcomfortable silence, I burst out laughing and she did too, thank god. Then she said that it was, indeed, that time of month for her. "Excellent," I said, " when we have sex in the back seat, you won't get pregnant!"She didn't laugh that time nor did she pay me.

I sold stuffed Teddy Bears at a stuffed Teddy Bear place. Now, I can put on the charm when I need to, but it gets tough to fake a smile everyday for 8 hours a day even when you're puting together a gift basket for someone with Lupus. But a Teddy Bear is something nice to give to someone who already has everything.

My worst job was dipping broom handles in a bucket of paint. I did that for 2 months fresh out of high school. I was also only one of two guys who spoke English and the other guy was a severe pot head who loved asking the big questions like "how could 7-11 charge so little for such great hamburgers." The rest of the employees were Philipino immigrants who I'm pretty sure were as legal as Absynthe is in Utah.

My current job is the best. I get to watch movies. I watch roughly 2 a day at work but I've developed very snobbish attitudes toward films. For one, I call them 'films' instead of 'movies.' And if a film has David Arquette associated with it in anyway, I immediately feel angry and I throw things.

k, bo fo no

No foot foto, freaks

Holy crap, I almost forgot to put a blog entry up today! (thanks cory)

K, no foot foto today. I had to clean out my work computer because "the man" has been hinting at checking out our work pc's so my pictures folder is almost empty, except for a picture of the teletubbies for some reason. Seriously, I found a picture I had of the Telletubbies on my computer. I can't think of why I saved it. Maybe I needed to do something for a kid's birthday or I was gonna phot-shop their image onto Mt. Rushmore to see if it would look cool. I dunno.

I do this blog thing strictly at work, every morning, for a couple of reasons. One reason is because I just like to have some time to kinda be a little creative. I don't wanna sound art faggy or pretentious, but I seriously do everything creative for my own personal amusement. I've been involved in sharing my "art" (fuck, I hate that term) with folks and while I've always had decent responses to it, I've never really overly enjoyed the experience.

Another reason is to get those thoughts of working for the gov't out of my head. It really does suck having to do the shit the gov't asks you to do. Yeah, yeah, I get paid very well to do it, I sometimes enjoy it but it is in no way, shape or form my life's meaning. Working is something I do to pay for pizza every now and then.

Not a big entry today nor is it particularly funny but at least it's something. I gotta head back and do some shit and stuff. I love you people. Don't ever forget that!!!

K, bye bye and buy bonds.

Where oh where have my testicles gone?

Feb. 16/06 - The temperature outside is -40 C with the windchill (for my American friends that's -178 F. Just kiddin. To be serious, -42 C and -42 F are the same temp. so that gives you an idea of what its like here). I stepped outside to have a smoke and a coffee and was greeted by Old Man Winter who seemed to have taken a vacation this year but showed up on my doorstep and made my testicles dissapear when I went outside. He's a regular magician.

"The Amazing Old Man Winternio! Watch this prestidigitator make testicles dissapear and elongate nipples!"

Still no snow, though. Alberta without snow is like a bear without fur - it's ugly, unrecognizeable, and you can't ski down it. White Christmas? My ass. No, really... it looks like my ass outside. Speaking of which, I need a bleaching.

I hear businesses related to snow are having a tough time this year but hookers have seen record profits. In "Ho Today" magazine, the editor Gwen L Yufukmee, reported that "girls aren't afraid to freeze so they're out there. And as we say in the business, 'The more you go down, the more your profits go up."

Alot of people seem worried about the state of the planet and global warming. Crazy but loveable Canadian environmentalist David Suzuki has moved to Thule Greenland because he thinks the Ozone Layer is in better shape there and he can continue to catch healthy, non-toxic fish with his bare hands. Actually, David Suzuki looks exactly like a bear with no fur. He is one!
You heard it here first, folks.

K, buy fur now

I could probably learn Mandarin easier than "Teen Girl Speak"

My wife found a note in my almost 13 year old son's pants while dilligently doing laundry as I lay on the couch watching Mythbusters. The gist of the note SEEMS (i emphasized for a reason) to be that my son made this poor girl feel like shit by being an asshole.

But I know my kid and he's never been an asshole. On the other hand, people change when they get into relationships. But on the other, other hand, grade 7 girls are as rational as Sybil on a bad day. On the other, other, other hand, my son is my son and I've been an asshole before so he must be capable of it too.

But getting back to the incoherence of the letter, here's a sample of what was written,

(*Note - the apostrophes around the o's signify the devil horns she included)

"Wen u went w me -----> :) t'o' the sh'o'w eye was :)!!!!!!!!! Now ur all fucked up??? WH'o'aaa, it wazza Kevin wh'o' left L'o'ri all by her____!! t'o' git da c'o'rns. Why did hed'o' wa he d'o'??? And then *BANG* ur like 'shuddup!' :( H'o'w d'o' u think I'm p'o'se to feel like? :(:(:(:( Answer me if u want but u pr'o'lly w'o'nt but u shud. Bi Bi."

I asked my wife who Bi Bi was but my she got it right away. She says "That it means Bye Bye, not bee bee." I really thought it was pronounced bee bee. Hmmm, only girls can understand girls.

My son only wrote one thing on that entire page and I gotta give him credit because this is what he wrote back:

"Wow, it sounds like your pissed."

What a good kid! No bizarre wording and his sentence made sense. Then she responded with more of the other stuff but I got a headache. I was just so happy I understood what he wrote and it was legible! But how do I tell him that he'll experience that exact argument throughout his entire life?

So I think he was being a jerk to this girl but she could very well be that crazy grade 7 chick who threatens suicide everytime her boyfriend breaks up with her but then another guy comes along and she forgets to kill herself and is "sooooo in love!" all of a sudden.

It's tough being a teenager. It's must be tougher being an English teacher.

Lick my balls, Hallmark!

We're kinda broke around our household and I can't afford alot, so my Valentine's gift to my wife will be me telling her how much I love her here on my blog. She should know I love her alot but just to cover my ass, I want to say that I love you sweetie and Hallmark Cards can lick my balls.

There's only one woman I've ever truly loved and that's my wife Kathleen (sorry Mom but you weaned me off the breast too early - according to Dr. Ettinger). Kathleen is the Bee's Knees, the Cat's Pyjamas, the Show and Tell, the Albino's Wine, the Chicken's Spit, the Bridge Over the River Kwai, and also the best lay I've ever had (honest honey, you are!). One time, our sex was soo good that when I tried to stand up afterward, my knees gave out and I fell right into the lifeguard on duty at the pool. (Wacka wacka wacka)

Holding her hand as we walk down the street on a Sunday afternoon is probably the greatest feeling for me. It's like I'm saying, "Hey losers, look at me! I got the hottest chick in the world and she's touching my hand! What do you say to that, freak-faces?" Then I spit at the people as they pass because they suck and I have a woman that makes me a better person.

We have two beautiful children together. They're both boys. They laugh when I make fart noises with my armpit. So does Kathleen. It's when I make the fart noises out of the spot where genuine fart noises eminate that she gets pissed off but that's understandable. I mean, I'm trying hard not to grab her hair and pull her face to my buttocks region, but it's hard not to when you're me and trust me, I'm me. How come Hallmark doesn't have Dutch Oven Valentine's card? I know why they don't, it's because they're too busy lickin my balls.

My wife sings nicely but she doesn't think she can sing at all. She should be on American Idol. Then when she gets to the audition, she can lez out with Paula Abdul and we'll have it on tape and replay it. Or she can make out with that large African American feller, whats-his-face, and I won't ever replay it until he's brought up on sexual assault charges and we can sue and I can buy her a proper Valentine's present. She won't "git wit" Simon though because we've talked it over and I won't stand for it! He's a limey, you know.

So lick my balls, Hallmark! I won't be buying any of your cards this year because I believe I've just said everything I've wanted to say to the most precious woman on the planet, here in my blog today. And it didn't cost me a friggin' dime!

In conclusion, I just want to say with sincere love (geez, I'm getting teary eyed now), I love you Kathleen and lick my balls Hallmark.

K, lick my balls Hallmark. Just lick 'em. Num num.

Phonin' it in!

This weekend was a bit of a going away party for a gentleman I mentioned in an earlier entry, Paul Myerhaug. We had a fantastic time because we partied like it was '99!

Not 1999 but 1799.

We all donned our best powdered wigs, corsets, fop gear and went out and pretended we were extremely debauched, 18th century French Aristocrats.

The first place we hit was an English style pub with a piano player who had a drum machine. He played excellent songs like Mony Mony and everyone yelled out "Hey mother fucker, get laid, get fucked!" Boy, I never get sick of that nor do I ever get sick of the drunk sitting by himself who will stagger into you and tell ya how today's generation is responsible for everything from rampent crime to sickle cell anemia.

After that, we headed to a strip bar. The lady who had her legs wrapped around a pole noticed us dandies and when her "set" was finished, she invited us up to her hotel room. We all thought we had reached heaven but it turns out she just wanted to tell us about an exciting new income opportunity. I'm sure it was viable but I didn't hear a word as I was concentrating on her stunning labia.

Then we did some other stuff that I don't want to get into but let's just say Meyerhaug looks fantastic in a studded codpiece.

K, I'm gonna try and catch some sleep and think of a better blog entry idea for tomorrow.

Bouy fernow.

Al Franken is a liar! Ann Coulter is right!

That blog title up there was a test or "bait" if you will, to see if I could lure Al Franken to this page.

In one of the funniest books ever written "Lies and The Lying Liars Who Tell Them," he mentions blogs so I thought he may periodically Google his name and eventually find his way here. If you did get here Al, could you leave me Parker Posey's home number if you know her? I think she's cute.

If Ann got here, could you fuck off and die?

Thanks to both of you for hearing me out.

Friday's Fun Fotograph For Fellow Fans of Feet Vol. 5

Hi all. I have a cold today and I feel like crap so deal with it. Here's some foot-related fotos.


Rock shaped like boot



Bigfoot


Italy


Crow's Feet.


This is a record! This entry took me 10 minutes to create!

K, bye for now and wish me well.

Happy Impending Love Day!

Hey, would ya look at that? Next week is another holiday that pressures me into being pressured into buying something with meaning when really all I can do is take a guess and hope that a potential blow-job doesn't turn into absolute dissapointment.

I've been pretty good over the years, though. I usually manage (at the last minute) to find something that seems to work. Right honey? Sure.

But I'm not perfect and I admit that I have made some bad purchasing decisions during holidays. Here's a few I'll cop to in the hopes that I'll save some poor wretch from fuckin' up like me.

Rented a motel room for romance
If you read that quickly and thought nothing of it, let me highlight the bad word - "motel". Yeah, not a hotel. Not even a motel with a name. It was just called "Motel". Actually, with the neon letters that were burnt out it was called 'Mo_ e_ '. And having a drink in the bar called "Tavern" next door to it was a mistake as well (and in no way does my wife look like a truck stop prostitute. But you try and tell the roughnecks trying to buy her -and I quote- "a fag drink" that she's not, and boy oh boy your in for some trouble). Oh well, live and learn, eh? In my defence though, it was in the nicer section of the industrial district.

Spa Package
That sure sounds nice - my beautiful wife getting pampered and all that. Very nice indeed. But guess what? Purchasing that certificate which plainly reads "no refunds" taught me that a "bath house" is most often frequented by men who wear risque biker outfits, outfits regular bikers wouldn't dare wear. Rarely will you see a Hell's Angel wearing chaps without pants underneath. The gentleman at the front desk was very friendly to me though, and their rainbow logo was nicely designed.

Exotic Fruit Basket
No, I'm not talking about the bath house again. I mean an actual basket of actual fruit. All I'm gonna say about this is that you should really check for dead AND alive turantulas before you wrap it up. On a side note, Chamomile Tea does not soothe the nerves as well as they claim, especially when it turns out she's allergic to it. But fennel is a great detoxifier.

Collection of Love Poems by Emily Dickinson
Emily Dickinson spent alot of her writing time figuring out how to make men unable to live up to the romantic ideal she had.

And why can't these poets just come out and say what they mean?

WILD nights! Wild nights!
Were I with thee,
Wild nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile the winds
To a heart in port,—
Done with the compass,
Done with the chart.

Rowing in Eden!
Ah! the sea!
Might I but moor
To-night in thee! - Emily Dickinson

It seems to me she either wants her man to make her cum like a porn star ("wild nights should be our luxury"), or she wants to strap one on and do him in the butt (Might I but moor tonight in thee"). I'm not sure. All I know is that I wasn't capable of doing either.


So there ya go. Just promise me son not to do the things I've done. Just walk away from trouble if you can by buying her some smelly, foamy bath shit. Lavender is always a nice smell.

Khai, buy fer nouw.