Uber Long Monday Entry

Each month of the year has about 4,628 different themes to it as decreed by somebody somewhere. For instance, February is Heart Month. I'm always happy when I make it through February without having a heart attack because it seems irony always plays a large role in death.
February is also African American History Month. It would be extra ironic if I had a heart attack and while I was in hospital, I was diagnosed as the first white guy to ever have sickle cell anemia.

I'll highlight a just a few observances for each month but not all. Oh, and these appear to be American. I don't know for sure, but I imagine there's similar stuff up here in Canada. I found the PDF file that has this info here.

January is (among many others):
National Tea Month, National Oatmeal Month, and National Soup Month. It is also Clean up your Computer Month (what the fuck are you doing with your computer if it takes a month to clean?), Love Yourself Month (oh, I see now why it would take a month to clean your computer), Bald Eagle Watch Month, It's O.K To Be Different Month (the rest of the year you're screwed Micheal Jackson!), and Poverty In America Month (The rest of the year you're screwed Willie Nelson!).

February
National Cherry Month (watch out virgins), Snack Food Month (wouldn't you love to be a lobbyist for these guys?), National Dental Health Month (oooh, there's gonna be a fight with the snack food guys!), International Embroidery Month (can you imagine the hookers and coke at that convention?).

March
National Peanut Month, National Umbrella Month, Mental Retardation Awareness Month (coincidentally, this is the same month our family has a reunion), National Optimism Month (I'm sure that will never last), National Youth Art Month (the display space for these art pieces is the world's biggest fridge).

April
National Stress Awareness Month(isn't this the month we do our taxes as well?), Soft Pretzel Month (they should really get with the folks who started National Impotence Awareness Month), National Humor Month (I believe Tony Danza is the poster guy for this one), and of course, National Straw Hat Month.

May
National Allergy & Asthma Month, National Salsa Month (why is there no stat holiday for this?), Correct Posture Month, National Messes Month (c'mon honey, it's the only time of year I can jizz on the carpet without guilt), Touring Theatre Month ( That Fred Phelps guy is busy wizzy this time of year).

June
National Accordian Awareness Month (If you've heard the sound of an accordian, your'e fucking aware of them), Kids Month (I guess Christmas just ain't enough), National Turkey Lover's Month (Cmon people, shine on your turkey everybody get together, learn to gobble gobble gobble right now), International People Skills Month, National Ragweed Month.

July
Dog House Repairs Month, Blueberry Month, National Anti-Boredom Month (weird considering July is the most boring month of observances)

August
Back To School Month (I bet kids are happy as shit about this one), Admit You're Happy Month (if you don't, cops show up at your house and jail you), National Beauty Pageant Month, National Clown Month (John Wayne Gacy killed more young boys in this month than any other).

September
National Chicken Month, National Baby Safety Month (because, we all need to be reminded not to put them in blenders that are plugged in), Hug A Texas Chef Month (I smell the premise for the sequel to Broke Back Mountain), Update Your Resume Month ("It says here under computer skills that "you can kick your dad's ass in Pong,").

October
National Vegetarian Month, Go Wild Eat Ham Month (seriously!), Stamp Collecting Month, National Roller Skating Month (obviously this list hasn't been updated since 1985), Right Brainer's Rule! Month (cant the right and left ever see eye to eye? This bipartisanship has got to go), Auto Battery Safety Month.

November
National Alzheimer's Month, National Family Stories Month (I put the previous two side by side because I have an evil streak tee hee), National American Indian Month (I suppose the 6 of them the Puritans didn't kill get together in Vegas), National Alcohol Education Month ("Okay class, just remember that when slurping Jaggermeister out of a shooter girl's belly button, be sure to not bite. Here endeth the lesson).

December
National Bingo Month, Universal Human Rights Month (I hear that the humans in other parts of the universe are treated very poorly), International Calendar Awareness Month (I popped a blood vessel in my head thinking about that one), and Read A New Book Month.

There's tons more for each month so if you think you've been missed, then please go to the website above and look for your fetish and it'll tell ya when its celebrated.

K, bye for now.