Yeah, I've worked

I've had some jobs before.

My first job was washing dishes at a greasy spoon type diner. I found dentures under a napkin once and immediately ran out to find the person who lost 'em. No one that came to that diner had teeth so it coulda been anyone but there was an old man looking quite distressed just outside. I go out and say in my best 1940-50ish movie kid voice, "Gee Mister, are ya looking for these?" I held out my hand and showed him the dentures. He started to cry. Then he hit them out of my hand and walked away. It took every ounce of restraint I had to not shove 'em up his ass. I should've done that, though. "Hey Mr. Higgins, nice smile you got there!"

I drove a taxi cab for 2 years. I picked up this lady and she says, "Take me to the red cross, I'd like to donate blood." What I meant to say was, "Oh, that time again?" and leave it at that. But what came out was, "Oh, is it that time of month again?" After an umcomfortable silence, I burst out laughing and she did too, thank god. Then she said that it was, indeed, that time of month for her. "Excellent," I said, " when we have sex in the back seat, you won't get pregnant!"She didn't laugh that time nor did she pay me.

I sold stuffed Teddy Bears at a stuffed Teddy Bear place. Now, I can put on the charm when I need to, but it gets tough to fake a smile everyday for 8 hours a day even when you're puting together a gift basket for someone with Lupus. But a Teddy Bear is something nice to give to someone who already has everything.

My worst job was dipping broom handles in a bucket of paint. I did that for 2 months fresh out of high school. I was also only one of two guys who spoke English and the other guy was a severe pot head who loved asking the big questions like "how could 7-11 charge so little for such great hamburgers." The rest of the employees were Philipino immigrants who I'm pretty sure were as legal as Absynthe is in Utah.

My current job is the best. I get to watch movies. I watch roughly 2 a day at work but I've developed very snobbish attitudes toward films. For one, I call them 'films' instead of 'movies.' And if a film has David Arquette associated with it in anyway, I immediately feel angry and I throw things.

k, bo fo no