Some Day never comes... and neither does the missus.

Hey there. You don't know me but you may recognise me from television (I use to be Mikey from the Life Cereal commercials but I've found out that Life cereal gave me a brain tumor).

Anyway, other than the headaches, the need for bigger hats and the hallucinations (both visual AND olfactory), things have been going pretty good for me! I got a gig in another T.V commercial just last month and it should air sometime next month. I play dog poo in a deodorizer commercial. I can't say the name of the product just yet nor can I give you any details about the commercial. All I can tell you is that I'm a method actor so preparing for this one was tough.

But in the end (no, not the dog's end, silly!) it all worked out. My buddy Ferris who supplied the voice for the cigar smoke gave me a book on Dianetics and I think there's something there that I can hold onto. L. Ron Hubbard may have been a totally insane, mediocre science fiction writer who claimed to have been the world's greatest sailor/adventurer and who also lived with then ripped off a group of Satanists, but you gotta like the guy and his "ideas."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you that I'm dating a celebrity! It won't be long before you see my smiling mug holding onto my new love on PerezHilton's celebulog website! I just hope my lover (Waldo from Where's Waldo fame) can handle the pressure of being a celebrity again. Sometimes he's so unstable...God, this headache won't go away. Everything is purple and I smell toast. Oh, well.

Okay, I gotta run. I'm needed...oh, thank heaven I'm needed.

I Want To Know What Love Is...

Before I get started, this is the first time in my life I ever quoted Foreigner without following it with a string of expletives. But it made for an a'papros title for todays entry.

I'll be celebrating/cursing my 39th birthday in a couple of weeks and I realized that the love you feel for someone when your 17 or 18 is different then the love you feel for someone when you not 17 or 18.

Things a young girl would say and an old man would say are different.

17yr. old: I can't live without him!

39yr. old: I can't live without her company medical plan.

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17yr. old: Just looking at him makes me melt!

39yr. old: Last night we fucked and she got on top. Call Guiness!

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17yr. old: He showers me with love.

39yr. old: I'm going to jerk off in the shower.

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17yr. old: I can so see us growing old together.

39yr. old: If you were my friend you'd kill me.

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17yr. old: We made love last night!

39yr. old: We made macaroni and cheese last night.

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17yr. old: When we're together nothing else matters.

39 yr. old: When I pick her up from work I go up to the receptionist and drop my pen. When I bend over to pick it up, I can see up her skirt! Mmmmm.

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17yr. old: He's soooo funny!

39yr. old: She's sooooooo retarded.

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Sincerely,

Mr. Winkie

I don't know why I swallowed the fly.

I'm not an old lady but I swallowed a fly. I don't think I'll die but it wasn't very pleasant. And I don't care what anyone tells you, flies do NOT taste like chicken. They taste more like Cheese Puffs chased with Diet Coke. Now Spittlebugs - there's a meal! Whether they're in the larval stage or full grown, Spittlebugs make my mouth water!

Spittlebug Pie Recipe

100 - Spittle Bugs
1 - Pie shell and crust
Cinnamon

Combine Cinnamon and spittlebugs then put it in the pie shell and then bake it. Eat it when it's done.

The best thing about Spittlebugs is that their name has the word "spittle" in it. It's a fun word!

I don't know where I'm going with this but something tells me that it's nowhere.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

Alberta Bound...and Gagged

Hey there,
I'm off to Calgary Alberta to entertain groups of people in a non-sexual situation. In the meantime, here are some pictures that may amuse you. They amused me.

See you next week or the week after or something...maybe.

Love,

Mr.Winkie

Quickest posting ever

I haven't had a thought in 3 days. At first, I thought that someone had been slipping me Xanax but I realized that I was just overthinking the issue.

When I say I didn't have a thought, you may think that I'm talking about some sort of creativity block or something but no, I mean I didn't think for 3 days. Nothing but grey in my brain for 72 hours. It was awesome! I think. Anywhoo, I'm back in full force today; just sittin' around and thinking my ass off. Here's some thoughts:

My fingertips smell like bacon bits. I dunno why, they just do. What did I do in my fog??

I wouldn't want to be probed by Aliens or Dr. Phil.

I wish the bad guy in the SAW films was a game show host. "Contestants, we are about to play a game," "Tell her what she's won, Charlie!"

I want to make a home sex video with a famous person. Someone like Rue Maclenahan.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh skimina rinky dinky dink, skimina rinky dooo, I love asssss.

K, this was stupid,

Mr. Winkie

Amateur Porn

The following is my first attempt at writing pornography. I hate to brag but I think it's pretty good and unlike most porn, mine is geared toward the man and woman.


Half asleep and my eyes still closed, the greyness of semi conciousness give way to the color of pleasant but as yet unknown sensations eminating from my 'cack.' A very brief panic subsides when I realize that I am not wetting the bed but being fondled. I don't open my eyes just yet for fear that if I were dreaming, it'll dissapear quicker than a Mafioso turned informant.
I feel movement beside me and soon the wonderous sensation of warm, moist lips around my "poster tube" make me feel really awesome!
I succeed in putting off blowing my load by opening my eyes and seeing the dog's ass right beside my face. I shoo the dog away five times and then look under the covers to see an exotic, dark skinned babe reefing on my hammer. She looks up at me, bats her eyelashes, smiles and continues doing the nasty on my giblets without saying a word. I moan in happiness.
Then she rises up and tries to kiss me but I stop her and whisper in her ear, "hey, you just had my salami in your mouth, wacko. I ain't kissing you."
Then I do my famous rug munching routine (copyright 1994). Her joy at my obvious joy of performing this joyous act gives her extreme joy and she groans a joyous groan of happiness and joy as I make her eyes turn back in her head. She's so hot now, she breaks out in hives.
We then position ourselves for some doggystyle love and I shoo the dog away again as it tries to lick my bum. Slowly I pound her and she quickly cries, "slower!" It's getting to the point where I'm totally like "Wow" and she's all "Woo!"
She gets up and smacks my ass and says, "It's my turn now, shithead. I'm in charge!"
From out of no where she pulls out a gargantuan turnip and says, "Eat this while I pee on your chest." I do as I'm told even though turnips make me gaseous.
With my face covered in turnip juice and my chest gleaming from her urine-exfoliation treatment, she ties me to the bed, puts the gag ball in my mouth and tells me the 'safety word.' That word is Humbucker.
She takes out the BB gun from the closet and pumps it no less then 50 times. She starts shooting me and tears run down my face as I try to scream the safety word. But with the gag ball in my mouth, "Humbucker" sounds more like "Klughhhhsfasdkf". Thankfully she puts the gun away before she shoots my eyes out. She calls me a "good boy."
She removes the gag ball and commands that I finish my rug munching routine (copyright 1994). I do and she screams in eccstatic eccstacy!
She goes to the shower but not before telling me to finish myself off while she's gone. Which I do. Then I cry in shame.

I love her.


Mr. Winkie

It's lunchtime

It's lunchtime and I'm bored. I also have been looking for an excuse to put pictures of beautiful women up on here. The only problem with that is I appear to be sexist. So I thought I'd put pictures up for both the guys and girls.
Oh, and feel free to masturbate.

Boy, what a weekend!

A couple of weeks ago I decided to shave my 'bits'. I've done it before and I enjoyed the feeling of a newly shorn nether region. Everytime I do this though, I always end up with an ingrown hair. And if you've never had one, let me just tell you that it never ends up lookin' pretty. So I got this goin on.

And on Saturday I discovered that I had an extremely itchy toe. I took off my sock and noted the tell-tale sign of athlete's foot. Which is ironic because I'm not much of an athlete. So I picked up some Tenactin and have been using that but it takes 4 weeks to cure. So I guess my foot will remain athletic for awhile yet.

Then on Sunday morning, I awoke with the worst toothache ever. Top tooth at the back. It felt like someone were fucking my brain while wearing a barbed wire condom. The only way to alleviate the pain (dentists are closed on Sundays. Assholes), was to swish extremely cold water around my mouth which would numb the pain for all of 45 seconds. The toothache lasted from 8am Sunday morning until 6:30am Monday morning. Seeing how I couldn't sleep, I spent that 22 1/2 hours drinking extremely cold water. I peed alot and took yesterday off.

So, that's how my weekend was. Christ, I'm attractive.

Ouch,

Mr. Winkie

Apologies

NOTE** Before reading today's entry you should read yesterday's entry for context.

I have to apologize for yesterday's post. I was feeling miserable and thought that if I complimented myself enough, I would feel better and not cry and bang my fist on the dashboard of my car as I sat in the parkade and occassionaly assured passersby that I was alright.

My penis is small. There you have it. I said it.
Other guys brag about their 17inch cocks but, alas, mine is only 13 inches. Sorry ladies.

My eyes are not hazel. They're pink. That picture in my profile is a lie and I'll change it soon. I'm actually half Albino and half hunchback.

I have the worst looking ass in history. Stranded Brazillian soccer players wouldn't touch it. Greek soccer players would but that's cold comfort knowing they'd touch anybody's ass. I ain't special.

I don't smell like God either. I actually smell like Dog. Stupid dyslexia and stupid me for stealing an old baroom joke punchline that wasn't that funny in the first place. DAMN!!

The conversation with the Dalai Lama did take place however. He's a good shit that Dalai Lama. Luv ya, Lama.

Someone shit on me please,

Mr. Winkie

Don't be so hard on yourself, you'll always have me to inspire you.

I'd just like to say that I'm probably the best human being ever invented. Not only do I work hard and I'm good at what I do but I always look like a billion dollars. Especially when I light candles, turn off the flourescent lights and tilt my head slightly up and to the left. I'm not bragging when I say I gotta superhero jawline, it's just a fact.

I've also been blessed with a perfectly sized penis. I won't get into the dimmensions here but holy cow, it's freaking amazing. Not too big, not too small. It looks best when I go to the car, take off my pants and view it's reflection in the side view mirror of my Topaz. My feet are size 12 so yeah, there ya go.

Have you seen my ass? All I got to say about that is, "wowzers." I tell ya, if I'm ever in a plane with a Brazillian soccer team and we crash land in the mountains, those guys will be diggin into it faster than you can say, "Gooooooaaaaaallll!"

I'm very smart too. You can see it in my eyes which are the most gorgeous hazel you've ever seen. I'm not saying this because I think it's true, it's just what countless people have said to me so get over yourself and quit critisizing me.

My poop is perfect in aroma, texture and hew...every time! (I've shelacked a couple finer specimens so just let me know if you wanna see pictures and I'll send them to you). I credit myself for this achievement for it is I who ensures that I eat a well balanced diet every day, rich in roughage and veal.

And at the risk of tooting my own horn, I smell like God. Seriously, I should bottle my sweat because it would really do everyone alot of good and I'd probably make a few bucks too. Goodbye troubles in the middle east, Mr. Winkie's goin bowling!

I remember when a young whipper snapper by the name of Tenzin Gyatso came up to me one day and said, "I'm going to be almost as great as you one day." I ruffled his shaved little head and sent him on his way. Oh, and you may know Tenzin Gyatso by his more common name - His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet.

Love me,

Mr. Winkie

My Nerds

My oldest nerd: Ace Frehley

My youngest nerd dressed as The Grim Reaper's lesser known cousin "Special" Reaper.

This is my boom stick

I'm watching Army of Darkness with my kids right this very second. It's exactly this kind of subversive parenting that will ensure that the long honoured family tradition of Nerdness is perpetuated for at least the next generation.

Luv,

Mr. Winkie

Urban Cowboy Poetry

As many of my friends know, I'm a huge fan of Cowboy poetry. I'm not such a fan of cowboy related other stuff like horse shit and hard work but I loves the poetry. In fact, I've been writing Cowboy poetry for several years now under the pseudonym - Johnny "T-bone" Guntry (the picture above is the promo shot for my latest book "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Crab Grass"). Here's my latest poem:

Sun on the prairie, spurs in my horse

I need a new way of life

I could also use some dollars of course

And I also tire of the wife

Goin to the city, I'm trottin' off now

Even if the wife says I can't

I've made corssets from my 2 favorite cows

I'll be a leather clad deviant.

Clamps on my nipples, wax on 'em too

And a 10 gallon cowboy hat

I wonder what the boys from ol' lodge #2

Will have to say about that.

They may hum and they may haw

My membership they may revoke

But I tire of this life, the land, the laws

Just gimme some...

...hookers...

...and...

coke.

Giddy up 'n' go,

Mr. Winkie

Applications for Mistress Now Being Accepted

I'm currently accepting applications for a Mistress. I hesitate to treat it like a "job" as that would imply certain shortcomings on my part, but hey, I'm not ashamed of the truth.

Name: ________

Age:____

Sex: F __

Favorite phallic vegetable: _________

Dishes need washing and Mr. Winkie insists he'll do them later. You say to him,

"______________________________________________________"

Do you like sleeping? Y __ N__

Do you have a twin? Y __ N __

Check your underwear preferences:

Strictly Comfort __
Pizzazzy__
Makes You Feel Pretty__
Easy access__
Beige is best__
Horny Nazi Girl__
Adult Diaper__

Circle the most appropriate answer:

When showering, you like to:
a) Go it alone
b) conserve water and shower with a partner
c) wash your hands 300 times
d) curl up in the fetal position, cry and wonder why dad never loved you

After a gruelling 20 mins of extremely bizarre (yet mutually respectful) "lovemaking," you turn to your partner and say:

a) "Mmmmm, I love it when you get your freak on!"
b) "Never again, fucktard."
c) "We should try that again but with the widowed neighbor."
d) "You haven't seen my favorite beaded necklace, have you?"

When grocery shopping, your list consists of:
a) the necessities
b) the necessities and cool whip
c) the necessities, cool whip, and KY warming lubricant
d) the necessities, cool whip,KY warming lubricant, and wart remover

Please remember that all applications will be kept strictly confidential and while including a picture is not necessary, it certainly will probably be used for something or other.

Love always,

Mr. Winkie

'06 Music In Review

Last year saw a number of big giant pop hits. Here's a sample of lyrics to some of my favorites:

Oh I Love Loving You, Love - Mariah Carey

I'm in love with you
Oh I love loving you love
You love me too
Oh I love loving you love

Listen to my words
And put the gun in your mouth
I got saccrine for you baby
Put the gun in your mouth

Paintin' my Penis - Nickelback

Do you know what I got in my pocket
Is it gum why don't you find out now
Do you know that you got the flow
It don't bother me to paint my penis

(Chorus)
Gonna paint my penis yeahhhhh
Crimson, puce, magenta, cherry blossom
Paint it now, paint it now
A lesser man would play possum


I Woke Up - Bruce Springsteen

Sleepy little head o' mine rises from the pillow
Forgotten dreams will be washed away
With a newspaper article and a cup of Joe
It's gonna be a brand new day

Throw back the covers then put 'em on again
Sometimes it's just so so so so so cold
Wander in REM for an hour or ten
Gotta take out the trash and brush my teeth

Sometimes I think that I probably should do something
Like get up and wash my car
But then again it's so so so so cold
That I probably won't today but maybe tomorrow.


When Will I Drift Away?- Nicole Ritchie

I'm so tired of this world, it's holding me down
Must learn to defy gravity
Wish the wind would pick me up
And take me away to eternity

Wish people would stop starring
I know they can see right through me
Wish the wind would pick me up
I'd flutter away like a leaf

(Chorus)
When will I drift awayyyyyyy
I guess I should just lighten up
But I want to fly away todayyyyy
But I'm so heavy from that sip of 7-up

Bye bye, and buy bonds,

Mr. Winkie