They Live Inside Of My Head, They Come To Me In My Bed

I stayed up too late last night and I'm up way too early this morning. But in those 4 meager hours of sleep, I had no less than 4 dreams. I'm very foggy right now so pardon my incoherence.

For your enjoyment, here's a brief description of each (oh, and contrary to what the experts say, I do dream in color):

Dream 1 - I went to a rock concert with 15,000 others and my mentally challenged friend Hagar was the drummer. He has Down's Syndrome. The other band members had different disabilities too but the band rocked their asses off. The only problem was that they were awful! But everyone loved 'em (especially their big hit- I Love Paste) because they overcame. At the climax of the show a flash pod went off and the bassist (blind guy who looked like my brother) caught on fire and the sight of everyone trying to put it out all "keystone cops style" was hilarious!

Dream 2 - I find myself at the home of the beautiful waitress at the East Indian buffet restaurant I go to regularly and I'm in the midst of meeting her family for an arranged marriage. We break out into song and dance and I do alot of things like hide behind a book case, peak my head out, smile and do that dance move that looks like I'm serving a pizza. We never got around to consummating the marriage.

Dream 3 - Suddenly I'm afloat atop acloud and my hair is very long and my skin is Jade. I've got a tortilla shell in one hand and a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger in the other (not a figurine but the actual pink one) and I'm singing a song that I can't quite remember but I'm almost sure it was by Supertramp. I fall off the cloud and suddenly I'm in a dark room and a giant midget walks into a spotlight and starts doing stand-up comedy. Not jokes, but the Michael Richards rant where he used the N - word and got himself in trouble. Then I'm sitting on a chair-naked, and I arch my back (just like in Flashdance) and 3 tons of spaghetti falls an me. End.

Dream 4 - I'm watching my wife have sex with another man and they're very into it. Then I go back to sleep and dream again. Here it is: I'm writing the great American novel but it's in Russian, and while I'm typing, J. Edgar Hoover breaks my door down. He's wearing an Angora sweater and fishnet stockings. He's got a giant cigar dangling from the corner of his mouth and he's got a machine gun. He yells at me "Die Pinko!" and sprays the room with bullets. I get hit multiple times but each bullet hit tickles and I giggle just like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. BAM - "Hoo hooo!" Then I wake up and my wife is kissing her boyfriend goodbye.

Prolly see ya in the New Year!

Mr. Winkie

I donned my "gay" apparell.

Okie dokie, it's Dec 28th and I gotta tell you, I've had the best Halloween ever! I dressed as a Ninja and went around my neighborhood causing trouble. I saw some guy dressed as a shepherd and I Ninja kicked him in the nads and his pet donkey looked on in complete and utter apathy; content in eating his grass.

Then I made my way over to the YMCA and sang "YMCA" for some down 'n' out types who seem to appreciate it. So much so, they threw me in the swimming pool then sang "In the Navy" to me. Oh, the aquatic hijinx we had!

I ate what the French call "tortier" (sp?). It's a meat pie that's guarenteed to clog the arteries of the most healthiest of Ninjas. But I survived because I'm Uber Ninja! The Nietchean wet dream folks (except for the non-aryan Japanese Ninja part).

All in all it was a fantastic Halloween.

All Feet Her Zain,

Mr. Winkie

Merry Christmas to you and other people and animals and the rain forest.

I'll be back in a couple of weeks or if I get bored with "Destroy All Humans."

As you may or may not know, Christmas is here and like the good little goy-boy I am, I will be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Saviour (Jesus Christ) with a shitload of beers and a headache from all the noise I have to put up with from my inlaws and immediate family.

I'm not a mean person but when I'm with the ones I love, I tend to be a curmudgeon. I'm going to try and beat that tendancy by being a loving friend, husband, father and uncle this year and if I have the urge to go mental, I'll roll up a spliff, head outside and self medicate.

Happy birthday Jesus!

Mr. Winkie

Hmm

Okay, so I changed over to Google and got the new blogger and when I open the comments, everyone is listed as annanymous. So my question is to the wonder-woman whose commented most, how come no one is showing up as who they are?

Oh, and I can't get to your blog now because I didn't bookmark it and I need desperately to know what's going on with your Pug.

Luv,

Take a guess...go on- guess.

Greek Alphabet Soup

I could probably look around and find out what I need to get in on this beta blogger thing but that would totally go against my modus operandi of getting other people to explain to me in simple, layman's terms how to do something.

What is Beta Blogger and what does it do for me? Will it make me smell better? Will I get answers to questions that I never thought I'd get until I reached my reward in the after-life?
Will it help eliminate fat from my diet?

I thank in advance the person(s) who respond to this.

Felix Navy Dad,

Monsieur Winkie

I'm A BBW Admirer!

I feel naughty because I'm posting the artwork of someone without their permission. But I don't feel too bad because at an average of 3 hits a day I get on this blog, I don't see too much potential for reprecussion.

Here's more of his/her stuff right here.

Happy Friday!

Mr. Winkie

Giving back to the community

A few months ago I began volunteering at the local hospital. My job there is to visit each patient in the ICU and yell into their comatose ears, "DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!"

It's nice to give back.

Take care gentlepersons,

Mr. Winkie

I Want You To Haunt Me

Someone who I just met brought up the subject of death recently and it got me to thinking of who I'd lke to see die and come back and haunt me. Here's a list of some of those people (but in no particular order):

Pauly Shore - I know it's a cliche to hate him but there's a reason it's a cliche. He's repulsive. Two reasons why I would want him to die and haunt me - 1) for the altruistic reason of saving the rest of humanity from any more shit from him, and 2) I'd like to find out if he has a pleasant, relatable side.

Cashier at Safeway - She always has kind things to say and frankly, she's cute. I would enjoy nothing more than waking up in the middle of the night to see her ghost sitting at the end of my bed and speaking in tongues...if you know what I mean ;)

The Wonder Twins - "Wonder Twin Powers activate! Form of...a lapdog! Shape of...world's softest pillow!" Then I would have the best sleep of my life as I snuggle both.

The entire cast of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - It's not like I don't already sing "Truly Scrumptious" to myself every night anyway. It would just be great to have those two british kids and that hot opera chick do it for real! I could also learn the dance steps to "The Ol' Bamboo."

The Kool Aid Guy - I would shout, "Hey Kool Aid!" and he would burst through my wall but wouldn't smash it because he's a ghost! All the coolness of Kool Aid without the expensive home repair! Awesome!

Jesus - Not the biblical Jesus but a nice Mexican man named Jesus (because everyone could use a cabana boy...ghost or not).

Rob Schneider (see Pauly Shore).

And there you have it.

Ich bin ein handsome,

Mr. Winkie

I Confess

It was good weekend for me. I only set 4 fires. I'm getting better.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

She just needed a fix.

This morning I made coffee, drank half of it then went into the shower. I got out of the shower, went to the living room and found that my dog drank the rest of my coffee.

My dog weighs 10lbs. A half a cup of coffee to her is like me drinking 8 cups of coffee. So, needless to say, she was rambunctious. I can't wait to get home tonight and clean up the after affects of injesting what I lovingly refer to as "nature's broom."

I suppose it won't be much different then when my kids were infants. This one time (not at band camp), I had my oldest son on the diaper changing table and I had his legs up but realized I didn't have a diaper in hand. So I bent down to grab one and he projectile shit on my head.

She's an odd dog. One time I bought an 1/8 ounce of weed and she ate that. The poor thing. Do you know how hard it is to hook up a PS2 and play Hitman - Blood Money when you don't have thumbs? It also must be absolute torture to want a slurpee and a gyro without even knowing what they are let alone being able to pop out of the house to grab 'em. I'm suprised she ain't insane.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

I'm a Blackman

It's tough being a blackman in today's society. Our culture has been appropriated by whitey for a couple hundred years and frankly I'm sick of it.

Yeah, that's right, I'm part black, homey. I'm also part native/ chinese/ japanese/ jewish/italian/ english/ samoan/ russian/ arabic, with just a dash of Newfie thrown in there too (that's where I get my silly streak from). In fact, I've had cards made up with my complete cultural lineage (email me if you want me to send you one). My card is 2 legal sized pages long and I think I'm the first guy ever to do that! Some have called my card cumbersome but they tend to be racists.

One thing I do like about society today is that everyone is so proud of thier heritage that we're getting further and further apart! Which is great because the further I'm away from Vikings the better off I am. Fucking Vikings. They smell, you know.

Keep it real,

Mr. Winkie