I'm Movin' On Up To A Deluxe Apartment In The Sky!

Good day everyone!

Well last night was exciting! I finally, finally, finally had my induction into the final level of Freemasonry. It's been a very long, hard road but I perservered and was given my Diploma (complete with a golden happy face sticker on it), and an envelope containing the "final secret" of the world. And holy shit, is it a doozy! I'm not even allowed to say what it is, that's how important it is! But I will give you this hint: it involves a high level American Politician, an original copy of The Bible, strange alien markings, and a slide whistle!

The ceremony was kinda creepy though. My ass is still sore from the paddling and I've discovered that club soda does NOT get out lamb's blood no matter how hard you scrub. In fact, I wish that a good stain remover recipe was the "final secret." And all along, I thought Martha Stewart had masonic connections! I'm soo dumb! :)

I remember my first experience with my masonic brethren. I saw a bumper sticker on a Cadillac that read "2b1 u ASK1." Next to it was another bumper sticker that read "Sexism hurts everyone, especially broads." So I waited for the Cadillac owner to come out of the dollar store so I could ask him what that crazy fun bumper sticker meant. Sure enough, he came out toting a giant bag of items which must've cost him like 25 bucks! I could tell this guy was rich beyond my comprehension! He told me that he was a Freemason and that I could go to a meeting if I liked and if I wanted to join after a few visits, I could be initiated. Wow, it would be like those college things you see in movies where pledges run around the grounds naked, only I wouldn't have to eat anyone's feces!

So I went to a meeting and I liked it. It was soo much fun! We all talked about our businesses (I make jewelry out of Leggo and sell it at sporting events), we had a good laugh at the expense of foriegners and I had fresh ground coffee for the first time. It was Masonariffic!

So I went to a few meetings and eventually pledged my love to Satan, and that was that. It was all very easy. And a couple of the Auxillery club wives made a delicious Ambrosia. No, not the marshmellow salad, the actual Nectar of The Gods!

Funny things happened shortly after I was a member. I got a phone call, out of the blue, from a guy in Japan named Hiro Isuxiu. He saw my Leggo jewelry and told me that I had to stop using Leggo because it had a thing that doesn't allow you to use Leggo. My first thought was, "All those poor kids at Christmas can't even play with their toys?" He explained to me that Leopold (my sponsor and the guy with the bumper sticker) asked him to re-jig my jewelry designs and sell them in Japan. Well, he did and now I have something called a 'net worth' of 3.2 billion dollars. It seems like alot but you know what they say, "You always live according to your means," and it's so very expensive to plate everything you own with platinum.


So yeah, so that's me. I just wanted to say I had fun last night.

K, bye for now