Boy, did I ever rock out this weekend

In an effort to recapture my youth, I went out on Saturday and watched an all original, live band that went by the name of "Stage Door Johnny." It's been far too long since I've done something like that by myself but it was worth the wait. I even spent a good chunk of Friday evening and Saturday afternoon getting things I would need for my outing because all of my "tools" have been lost over the years.

My first stop was "The Leather Boutique" for a brand new rock 'n' roll leather jacket. My second stop was "The Thrift Store" because brand new rock 'n' roll leather jackets are friggin' expensive. I found a great one though. In all honesty, I can't say it's "real" leather but it almost looks like it, and at $5.00, you can't go wrong. It did have a faint odor that I can only describe as old, wet carpet with undertones of mildewed balsamic vinegar but it was so faint that only the checkout girl and the man behind me in line could smell it. If I made one mistake, it was not checking the washing instructions until I got home. Apparently, it needs to be pre-soaked in something called "bioclycepticane #17," which, upon further investigation, was discontinued in 1976 for causing birth defects. Luckily, 6 years ago I had a vasectomy so these things don't bother me but since I'm all out of bioclycepticane #17, I just decided to Fabreeze the hell out of it.

I also found a great pair of dungarees to wear! Alot of the young people that go to these rock'n' roll shows wear them and I was kinda hoping to meet a chick and have a one night stand. These were a fantastic pair! They had a zipper that ran from the front waist-line all the way around to the back so if you unzipped it all the way, you'd have two halves. Is that not easy access or what? And because I had a limited budget, I bought them from the defective, discount bin. The seams run down the front on the left leg and the right leg is 3 inches shorter than the other. But you could barely notice, really. Oh, and I also bought a Hello Kitty t-shirt to complete the ensemble.

I needed to have drugs too. You can't go see a rock 'n' roll show without drugs. I didn't know where to find Ecstacy, so I just asked the paperboy if he knew where I could find some Hashish. Turns out, his dad is a vice cop! I smoothed it over when his dad came around by telling him his son misunderstood me when I said my wife made "Mashished" potatoes. So I didn't get any drugs but I did get a stern warning and an invitation to start reading another newspaper.

So, with my new gear on and a lack of drugs, I went to the rock 'n' roll show. The band played very, very, very, very, very, very loudly. So loud, the bass coming out of the speakers bruised one of my kidneys. The band cussed alot too. When I was a young person, not once did I ever hear Stevie Wonder use the word "cunt." Ike Turner maybe, but I never did see him and Tina play live so I can't say for sure.

And the young people are crazy dancers! I even went into the mash pit and mashed...at least until my trick knee gave out. It must've looked like I was drunk. When my knee gives out, the rest of me goes all wonky. I even fell into this girl who had a nose ring with a chain that went to her nipple (she wore a mesh top with no bra. How can you forget to put a bra on?), then from her nipple into her belly button then another chain from her belly button into her pants. Man oh man, it's like putting a leash on a taco!

This is getting too long so I'm gonna stop now. But I did have a ton of fun! I never got that one night stand though. I think I'm gonna go see another band next weekend and do some more mashing in the mash pit, smoke some grass and hunt down the chain-link girl and make sweet, gentle love to her. I think she could use some soft caresses.

K, bye for now