Bring on the Catharsis

Normally I don't embarrass easily when I'm a goofball on my own terms. Nothing is more fun than walking through a crowded mall, falling to the ground, pointing up and yelling, "It's falling, it's falling!!" There are times, though, when I get extremely embarrassed and these times happen when I do something totally retarded without meaning to. One such weight I've carried on my shoulders for many, many years is this:

I used to masturbate while listening to the song Roxy Roller.

A few years before I realized that "diddlin' the feller" was a perfectly enjoyable way of spending leisure time, I'd heard this song and I had no idea why I was in love with whoever was singing it. All I knew at this point in my life was that it felt good to wrestle with Jenine my babysitter. But the years went by and by '81, when alone, I'd occasionally throw on a K-tel record with this track and have myself a little "winkie time."

Then, one day in '84 or '85 I picked up a Rolling Stone that had a "where are they now" section and in it was the band Sweeny Todd. It wasn't until then I found out that the lead singer and hottest voiced chick I'd ever heard was none other than a fellow fellow by the name of Nick Gilder. Yeah, a dude. I didn't puke but I did go to church that weekend and asked God to guide me through this confusing time.

So there you have it. I've carried this shame for far too long and here I am...open...vulnerable...ashamed, yet at peace. Mind you, I'll still toss off to Roxy Roller occasionally but I don't imagine Nick Gilder singing it. I imagine someone else, someone sexier and more contemporary, like the singer from The Darkness. I bet she's hot.

Hot child in the city and sex-pot voiced singer Nick Gilder