Apologies

NOTE** Before reading today's entry you should read yesterday's entry for context.

I have to apologize for yesterday's post. I was feeling miserable and thought that if I complimented myself enough, I would feel better and not cry and bang my fist on the dashboard of my car as I sat in the parkade and occassionaly assured passersby that I was alright.

My penis is small. There you have it. I said it.
Other guys brag about their 17inch cocks but, alas, mine is only 13 inches. Sorry ladies.

My eyes are not hazel. They're pink. That picture in my profile is a lie and I'll change it soon. I'm actually half Albino and half hunchback.

I have the worst looking ass in history. Stranded Brazillian soccer players wouldn't touch it. Greek soccer players would but that's cold comfort knowing they'd touch anybody's ass. I ain't special.

I don't smell like God either. I actually smell like Dog. Stupid dyslexia and stupid me for stealing an old baroom joke punchline that wasn't that funny in the first place. DAMN!!

The conversation with the Dalai Lama did take place however. He's a good shit that Dalai Lama. Luv ya, Lama.

Someone shit on me please,

Mr. Winkie

Don't be so hard on yourself, you'll always have me to inspire you.

I'd just like to say that I'm probably the best human being ever invented. Not only do I work hard and I'm good at what I do but I always look like a billion dollars. Especially when I light candles, turn off the flourescent lights and tilt my head slightly up and to the left. I'm not bragging when I say I gotta superhero jawline, it's just a fact.

I've also been blessed with a perfectly sized penis. I won't get into the dimmensions here but holy cow, it's freaking amazing. Not too big, not too small. It looks best when I go to the car, take off my pants and view it's reflection in the side view mirror of my Topaz. My feet are size 12 so yeah, there ya go.

Have you seen my ass? All I got to say about that is, "wowzers." I tell ya, if I'm ever in a plane with a Brazillian soccer team and we crash land in the mountains, those guys will be diggin into it faster than you can say, "Gooooooaaaaaallll!"

I'm very smart too. You can see it in my eyes which are the most gorgeous hazel you've ever seen. I'm not saying this because I think it's true, it's just what countless people have said to me so get over yourself and quit critisizing me.

My poop is perfect in aroma, texture and hew...every time! (I've shelacked a couple finer specimens so just let me know if you wanna see pictures and I'll send them to you). I credit myself for this achievement for it is I who ensures that I eat a well balanced diet every day, rich in roughage and veal.

And at the risk of tooting my own horn, I smell like God. Seriously, I should bottle my sweat because it would really do everyone alot of good and I'd probably make a few bucks too. Goodbye troubles in the middle east, Mr. Winkie's goin bowling!

I remember when a young whipper snapper by the name of Tenzin Gyatso came up to me one day and said, "I'm going to be almost as great as you one day." I ruffled his shaved little head and sent him on his way. Oh, and you may know Tenzin Gyatso by his more common name - His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet.

Love me,

Mr. Winkie

My Nerds

My oldest nerd: Ace Frehley

My youngest nerd dressed as The Grim Reaper's lesser known cousin "Special" Reaper.

This is my boom stick

I'm watching Army of Darkness with my kids right this very second. It's exactly this kind of subversive parenting that will ensure that the long honoured family tradition of Nerdness is perpetuated for at least the next generation.

Luv,

Mr. Winkie

Urban Cowboy Poetry

As many of my friends know, I'm a huge fan of Cowboy poetry. I'm not such a fan of cowboy related other stuff like horse shit and hard work but I loves the poetry. In fact, I've been writing Cowboy poetry for several years now under the pseudonym - Johnny "T-bone" Guntry (the picture above is the promo shot for my latest book "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Crab Grass"). Here's my latest poem:

Sun on the prairie, spurs in my horse

I need a new way of life

I could also use some dollars of course

And I also tire of the wife

Goin to the city, I'm trottin' off now

Even if the wife says I can't

I've made corssets from my 2 favorite cows

I'll be a leather clad deviant.

Clamps on my nipples, wax on 'em too

And a 10 gallon cowboy hat

I wonder what the boys from ol' lodge #2

Will have to say about that.

They may hum and they may haw

My membership they may revoke

But I tire of this life, the land, the laws

Just gimme some...

...hookers...

...and...

coke.

Giddy up 'n' go,

Mr. Winkie

Applications for Mistress Now Being Accepted

I'm currently accepting applications for a Mistress. I hesitate to treat it like a "job" as that would imply certain shortcomings on my part, but hey, I'm not ashamed of the truth.

Name: ________

Age:____

Sex: F __

Favorite phallic vegetable: _________

Dishes need washing and Mr. Winkie insists he'll do them later. You say to him,

"______________________________________________________"

Do you like sleeping? Y __ N__

Do you have a twin? Y __ N __

Check your underwear preferences:

Strictly Comfort __
Pizzazzy__
Makes You Feel Pretty__
Easy access__
Beige is best__
Horny Nazi Girl__
Adult Diaper__

Circle the most appropriate answer:

When showering, you like to:
a) Go it alone
b) conserve water and shower with a partner
c) wash your hands 300 times
d) curl up in the fetal position, cry and wonder why dad never loved you

After a gruelling 20 mins of extremely bizarre (yet mutually respectful) "lovemaking," you turn to your partner and say:

a) "Mmmmm, I love it when you get your freak on!"
b) "Never again, fucktard."
c) "We should try that again but with the widowed neighbor."
d) "You haven't seen my favorite beaded necklace, have you?"

When grocery shopping, your list consists of:
a) the necessities
b) the necessities and cool whip
c) the necessities, cool whip, and KY warming lubricant
d) the necessities, cool whip,KY warming lubricant, and wart remover

Please remember that all applications will be kept strictly confidential and while including a picture is not necessary, it certainly will probably be used for something or other.

Love always,

Mr. Winkie

'06 Music In Review

Last year saw a number of big giant pop hits. Here's a sample of lyrics to some of my favorites:

Oh I Love Loving You, Love - Mariah Carey

I'm in love with you
Oh I love loving you love
You love me too
Oh I love loving you love

Listen to my words
And put the gun in your mouth
I got saccrine for you baby
Put the gun in your mouth

Paintin' my Penis - Nickelback

Do you know what I got in my pocket
Is it gum why don't you find out now
Do you know that you got the flow
It don't bother me to paint my penis

(Chorus)
Gonna paint my penis yeahhhhh
Crimson, puce, magenta, cherry blossom
Paint it now, paint it now
A lesser man would play possum


I Woke Up - Bruce Springsteen

Sleepy little head o' mine rises from the pillow
Forgotten dreams will be washed away
With a newspaper article and a cup of Joe
It's gonna be a brand new day

Throw back the covers then put 'em on again
Sometimes it's just so so so so so cold
Wander in REM for an hour or ten
Gotta take out the trash and brush my teeth

Sometimes I think that I probably should do something
Like get up and wash my car
But then again it's so so so so cold
That I probably won't today but maybe tomorrow.


When Will I Drift Away?- Nicole Ritchie

I'm so tired of this world, it's holding me down
Must learn to defy gravity
Wish the wind would pick me up
And take me away to eternity

Wish people would stop starring
I know they can see right through me
Wish the wind would pick me up
I'd flutter away like a leaf

(Chorus)
When will I drift awayyyyyyy
I guess I should just lighten up
But I want to fly away todayyyyy
But I'm so heavy from that sip of 7-up

Bye bye, and buy bonds,

Mr. Winkie

They Live Inside Of My Head, They Come To Me In My Bed

I stayed up too late last night and I'm up way too early this morning. But in those 4 meager hours of sleep, I had no less than 4 dreams. I'm very foggy right now so pardon my incoherence.

For your enjoyment, here's a brief description of each (oh, and contrary to what the experts say, I do dream in color):

Dream 1 - I went to a rock concert with 15,000 others and my mentally challenged friend Hagar was the drummer. He has Down's Syndrome. The other band members had different disabilities too but the band rocked their asses off. The only problem was that they were awful! But everyone loved 'em (especially their big hit- I Love Paste) because they overcame. At the climax of the show a flash pod went off and the bassist (blind guy who looked like my brother) caught on fire and the sight of everyone trying to put it out all "keystone cops style" was hilarious!

Dream 2 - I find myself at the home of the beautiful waitress at the East Indian buffet restaurant I go to regularly and I'm in the midst of meeting her family for an arranged marriage. We break out into song and dance and I do alot of things like hide behind a book case, peak my head out, smile and do that dance move that looks like I'm serving a pizza. We never got around to consummating the marriage.

Dream 3 - Suddenly I'm afloat atop acloud and my hair is very long and my skin is Jade. I've got a tortilla shell in one hand and a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger in the other (not a figurine but the actual pink one) and I'm singing a song that I can't quite remember but I'm almost sure it was by Supertramp. I fall off the cloud and suddenly I'm in a dark room and a giant midget walks into a spotlight and starts doing stand-up comedy. Not jokes, but the Michael Richards rant where he used the N - word and got himself in trouble. Then I'm sitting on a chair-naked, and I arch my back (just like in Flashdance) and 3 tons of spaghetti falls an me. End.

Dream 4 - I'm watching my wife have sex with another man and they're very into it. Then I go back to sleep and dream again. Here it is: I'm writing the great American novel but it's in Russian, and while I'm typing, J. Edgar Hoover breaks my door down. He's wearing an Angora sweater and fishnet stockings. He's got a giant cigar dangling from the corner of his mouth and he's got a machine gun. He yells at me "Die Pinko!" and sprays the room with bullets. I get hit multiple times but each bullet hit tickles and I giggle just like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. BAM - "Hoo hooo!" Then I wake up and my wife is kissing her boyfriend goodbye.

Prolly see ya in the New Year!

Mr. Winkie

I donned my "gay" apparell.

Okie dokie, it's Dec 28th and I gotta tell you, I've had the best Halloween ever! I dressed as a Ninja and went around my neighborhood causing trouble. I saw some guy dressed as a shepherd and I Ninja kicked him in the nads and his pet donkey looked on in complete and utter apathy; content in eating his grass.

Then I made my way over to the YMCA and sang "YMCA" for some down 'n' out types who seem to appreciate it. So much so, they threw me in the swimming pool then sang "In the Navy" to me. Oh, the aquatic hijinx we had!

I ate what the French call "tortier" (sp?). It's a meat pie that's guarenteed to clog the arteries of the most healthiest of Ninjas. But I survived because I'm Uber Ninja! The Nietchean wet dream folks (except for the non-aryan Japanese Ninja part).

All in all it was a fantastic Halloween.

All Feet Her Zain,

Mr. Winkie

Merry Christmas to you and other people and animals and the rain forest.

I'll be back in a couple of weeks or if I get bored with "Destroy All Humans."

As you may or may not know, Christmas is here and like the good little goy-boy I am, I will be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Saviour (Jesus Christ) with a shitload of beers and a headache from all the noise I have to put up with from my inlaws and immediate family.

I'm not a mean person but when I'm with the ones I love, I tend to be a curmudgeon. I'm going to try and beat that tendancy by being a loving friend, husband, father and uncle this year and if I have the urge to go mental, I'll roll up a spliff, head outside and self medicate.

Happy birthday Jesus!

Mr. Winkie

Hmm

Okay, so I changed over to Google and got the new blogger and when I open the comments, everyone is listed as annanymous. So my question is to the wonder-woman whose commented most, how come no one is showing up as who they are?

Oh, and I can't get to your blog now because I didn't bookmark it and I need desperately to know what's going on with your Pug.

Luv,

Take a guess...go on- guess.

Greek Alphabet Soup

I could probably look around and find out what I need to get in on this beta blogger thing but that would totally go against my modus operandi of getting other people to explain to me in simple, layman's terms how to do something.

What is Beta Blogger and what does it do for me? Will it make me smell better? Will I get answers to questions that I never thought I'd get until I reached my reward in the after-life?
Will it help eliminate fat from my diet?

I thank in advance the person(s) who respond to this.

Felix Navy Dad,

Monsieur Winkie

I'm A BBW Admirer!

I feel naughty because I'm posting the artwork of someone without their permission. But I don't feel too bad because at an average of 3 hits a day I get on this blog, I don't see too much potential for reprecussion.

Here's more of his/her stuff right here.

Happy Friday!

Mr. Winkie

Giving back to the community

A few months ago I began volunteering at the local hospital. My job there is to visit each patient in the ICU and yell into their comatose ears, "DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!"

It's nice to give back.

Take care gentlepersons,

Mr. Winkie

I Want You To Haunt Me

Someone who I just met brought up the subject of death recently and it got me to thinking of who I'd lke to see die and come back and haunt me. Here's a list of some of those people (but in no particular order):

Pauly Shore - I know it's a cliche to hate him but there's a reason it's a cliche. He's repulsive. Two reasons why I would want him to die and haunt me - 1) for the altruistic reason of saving the rest of humanity from any more shit from him, and 2) I'd like to find out if he has a pleasant, relatable side.

Cashier at Safeway - She always has kind things to say and frankly, she's cute. I would enjoy nothing more than waking up in the middle of the night to see her ghost sitting at the end of my bed and speaking in tongues...if you know what I mean ;)

The Wonder Twins - "Wonder Twin Powers activate! Form of...a lapdog! Shape of...world's softest pillow!" Then I would have the best sleep of my life as I snuggle both.

The entire cast of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - It's not like I don't already sing "Truly Scrumptious" to myself every night anyway. It would just be great to have those two british kids and that hot opera chick do it for real! I could also learn the dance steps to "The Ol' Bamboo."

The Kool Aid Guy - I would shout, "Hey Kool Aid!" and he would burst through my wall but wouldn't smash it because he's a ghost! All the coolness of Kool Aid without the expensive home repair! Awesome!

Jesus - Not the biblical Jesus but a nice Mexican man named Jesus (because everyone could use a cabana boy...ghost or not).

Rob Schneider (see Pauly Shore).

And there you have it.

Ich bin ein handsome,

Mr. Winkie

I Confess

It was good weekend for me. I only set 4 fires. I'm getting better.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

She just needed a fix.

This morning I made coffee, drank half of it then went into the shower. I got out of the shower, went to the living room and found that my dog drank the rest of my coffee.

My dog weighs 10lbs. A half a cup of coffee to her is like me drinking 8 cups of coffee. So, needless to say, she was rambunctious. I can't wait to get home tonight and clean up the after affects of injesting what I lovingly refer to as "nature's broom."

I suppose it won't be much different then when my kids were infants. This one time (not at band camp), I had my oldest son on the diaper changing table and I had his legs up but realized I didn't have a diaper in hand. So I bent down to grab one and he projectile shit on my head.

She's an odd dog. One time I bought an 1/8 ounce of weed and she ate that. The poor thing. Do you know how hard it is to hook up a PS2 and play Hitman - Blood Money when you don't have thumbs? It also must be absolute torture to want a slurpee and a gyro without even knowing what they are let alone being able to pop out of the house to grab 'em. I'm suprised she ain't insane.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

I'm a Blackman

It's tough being a blackman in today's society. Our culture has been appropriated by whitey for a couple hundred years and frankly I'm sick of it.

Yeah, that's right, I'm part black, homey. I'm also part native/ chinese/ japanese/ jewish/italian/ english/ samoan/ russian/ arabic, with just a dash of Newfie thrown in there too (that's where I get my silly streak from). In fact, I've had cards made up with my complete cultural lineage (email me if you want me to send you one). My card is 2 legal sized pages long and I think I'm the first guy ever to do that! Some have called my card cumbersome but they tend to be racists.

One thing I do like about society today is that everyone is so proud of thier heritage that we're getting further and further apart! Which is great because the further I'm away from Vikings the better off I am. Fucking Vikings. They smell, you know.

Keep it real,

Mr. Winkie

Check-one-two, check.

I don't know, am I back or what? I have no idea, but I will say that it's a definate maybe.

I suppose I should ask the question, "Does anyone really care? Really?"

Have a good lifespan!

Mr. Winkie

Hey Everyone!

It is with some regret but far more excitement that I announce that this blogspot or blogger place or whatever, will be closed or at least, not updated anymore.

Don't Cry!

I've moved my creative energies over to Myspace.com where you'll find a collaboration between me and my very good friend and talented musician Kerry and our drummer Splatter.

We have a band that we have alot of fun with and I think I'm the default computer liason between our musical contribution and the internet. And the irony here is that I'm not an expert in either. Hell, I always thought HTML was short for Hate Mail.

But I do ask, nay, beg that you come check us out over there and hang out. I will be blogging from time to time but it'll be on there instead of here.

Our band is called The Ne'er Do Wells and you can find us at this link:

http://www.myspace.com/the_neer_do_wells

So, thanks to all of you who have been supportive of whatever the hell it is I do.

Thank you, friends! I hope to see you there!

Winston Herbert (aka Mr. Winkie)

P.S

Over there on myspace, I go by a different name. I'm known as Troy Poodle which I think is a cool rock 'n' roller name, albeit a little faggy.