It is with some regret but far more excitement that I announce that this blogspot or blogger place or whatever, will be closed or at least, not updated anymore.
Don't Cry!
I've moved my creative energies over to Myspace.com where you'll find a collaboration between me and my very good friend and talented musician Kerry and our drummer Splatter.
We have a band that we have alot of fun with and I think I'm the default computer liason between our musical contribution and the internet. And the irony here is that I'm not an expert in either. Hell, I always thought HTML was short for Hate Mail.
But I do ask, nay, beg that you come check us out over there and hang out. I will be blogging from time to time but it'll be on there instead of here.
Our band is called The Ne'er Do Wells and you can find us at this link:
http://www.myspace.com/the_neer_do_wells
So, thanks to all of you who have been supportive of whatever the hell it is I do.
Thank you, friends! I hope to see you there!
Winston Herbert (aka Mr. Winkie)
P.S
Over there on myspace, I go by a different name. I'm known as Troy Poodle which I think is a cool rock 'n' roller name, albeit a little faggy.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Larry The Cable Guy
I try to be positive about humanity but that attitude is extremely hard to maintain when you've just finished watching Hollywood's latest triumph du feces, "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector."
*Just a note here - Is Larry The Cable Guy a cable guy or a health inspector? Is it me alone that doesn't get that?
I hate it that I'm so worked up about what I consider to be the epitome of nothingness. Then again, maybe I'm jealous that he's made a fortune pretending to be dumb while I've gone broke pretending to be smart.
I use to go to his Website (which will never, ever be linked here) and before it was revamped he had a whole whack of essays where he shat(not literally) on homosexuals, Muslims, and gun control advocates, or as I like to call these groups - "Safe Targets." I went not because I liked him, but because it was so amazingly idiotic, juvenile and just poorly written that I got some perverse pleasure out of the anger I had toward him. I guess I got addicted. Well, those essays (I giggle everytime I call them "essays") are now gone from his website and I'm getting the feeling he's scaled back his hatred in the hopes of garnering a few more fans who will eventually buy "GET IT DONE, PLEASE?" mugs. Or is it "GET A GUN"? Or is it "GUT A NUN" ? I can't remember.
But by golly, his fans sure like him. I went to his new website recently and 1 guy...1 GUY! said he sucked. Boy, oh boy, if you're up for stirring the shit, go to a famous person's website, slag him/her and sit back and watch the (insert first name of famous person here) ______ Heads
go fucking ballistic!
Anyway, my point is that you just can't find decent parking downtown anymore.
Ciao.
*Just a note here - Is Larry The Cable Guy a cable guy or a health inspector? Is it me alone that doesn't get that?
I hate it that I'm so worked up about what I consider to be the epitome of nothingness. Then again, maybe I'm jealous that he's made a fortune pretending to be dumb while I've gone broke pretending to be smart.
I use to go to his Website (which will never, ever be linked here) and before it was revamped he had a whole whack of essays where he shat(not literally) on homosexuals, Muslims, and gun control advocates, or as I like to call these groups - "Safe Targets." I went not because I liked him, but because it was so amazingly idiotic, juvenile and just poorly written that I got some perverse pleasure out of the anger I had toward him. I guess I got addicted. Well, those essays (I giggle everytime I call them "essays") are now gone from his website and I'm getting the feeling he's scaled back his hatred in the hopes of garnering a few more fans who will eventually buy "GET IT DONE, PLEASE?" mugs. Or is it "GET A GUN"? Or is it "GUT A NUN" ? I can't remember.
But by golly, his fans sure like him. I went to his new website recently and 1 guy...1 GUY! said he sucked. Boy, oh boy, if you're up for stirring the shit, go to a famous person's website, slag him/her and sit back and watch the (insert first name of famous person here) ______ Heads
go fucking ballistic!
Anyway, my point is that you just can't find decent parking downtown anymore.
Ciao.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Spreken da Bitzsch?
Out- out are the lights- out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero the Conqueror Worm.
One chunk of "Conqueror Worm" by Edgar Allen Poe
So, I think the above passage really sums everything up quite nicely, don't you? It's obvious that what Poe is refering to in the Conqueror Worm (and all his work really) is that folks need to be more friendly to each other when they go shopping.
Yesterday, I went to Safeway to pick up 2 loaves of bread and from the minute I approached the automatic door to the second I walked out of the store, I was raped with grumpiness by 3 different people. Folks sure can be charming, can't they?
Scene 1 - INT./SAFEWAY/DAY
LADY 1: "Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I would find cooking utensils?"
ME: "Sorry, I don't work here but I think they're..."
LADY 1: Well, think all you like but it doesn't do me much good, does it?"
(She sticks her surgery altered nose in the air and strolls off)
-End scene
Scene 2 (20 seconds later) INT./SAFEWAY/DAY
Man with chip on shoulder reaches for toilet paper on upper shelf and slips. His bum hits the ground.
MAN: Fucking, fuck! Who mops up around here? Fuck!
ME: Are you okay?
MAN: Fuck you!
END SCENE
Scene 3 (10 seconds later)
ME checks out bread by squeezing it. Puts 2 loaves in basket. ME turns as a lady walks by. She looks at me.
LADY 2: You are an idiot for shopping here.
END SCENE
I think Safeway should maybe check their air quality or something. Maybe they have toxic air circulating and it's causing people to be assholes. Anyway, I didn't let it ruin my day. I just went home and took my frustration out on the family then I was fine.
Ciao bellas
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero the Conqueror Worm.
One chunk of "Conqueror Worm" by Edgar Allen Poe
So, I think the above passage really sums everything up quite nicely, don't you? It's obvious that what Poe is refering to in the Conqueror Worm (and all his work really) is that folks need to be more friendly to each other when they go shopping.
Yesterday, I went to Safeway to pick up 2 loaves of bread and from the minute I approached the automatic door to the second I walked out of the store, I was raped with grumpiness by 3 different people. Folks sure can be charming, can't they?
Scene 1 - INT./SAFEWAY/DAY
LADY 1: "Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I would find cooking utensils?"
ME: "Sorry, I don't work here but I think they're..."
LADY 1: Well, think all you like but it doesn't do me much good, does it?"
(She sticks her surgery altered nose in the air and strolls off)
-End scene
Scene 2 (20 seconds later) INT./SAFEWAY/DAY
Man with chip on shoulder reaches for toilet paper on upper shelf and slips. His bum hits the ground.
MAN: Fucking, fuck! Who mops up around here? Fuck!
ME: Are you okay?
MAN: Fuck you!
END SCENE
Scene 3 (10 seconds later)
ME checks out bread by squeezing it. Puts 2 loaves in basket. ME turns as a lady walks by. She looks at me.
LADY 2: You are an idiot for shopping here.
END SCENE
I think Safeway should maybe check their air quality or something. Maybe they have toxic air circulating and it's causing people to be assholes. Anyway, I didn't let it ruin my day. I just went home and took my frustration out on the family then I was fine.
Ciao bellas
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The Ne'er Do Wells get a MySpace...space
I've added a link to my newly created My Space space. I like space, so having a myspace space is something that I feel I should have.
I can't seem to upload an audio file, though. Can anyone here tell me how I do that? I promise you'll have fun educating me!
Sorry about not doing an entry yesterday but I really had some crap to do that ended up being for naught (or is it 'not')
I have a bum in my pants.
Thanks.
I can't seem to upload an audio file, though. Can anyone here tell me how I do that? I promise you'll have fun educating me!
Sorry about not doing an entry yesterday but I really had some crap to do that ended up being for naught (or is it 'not')
I have a bum in my pants.
Thanks.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
"When inspiration alludes you, quote someone else." - Mr. Winkie (2006)
Today I'm taking the lame-ass approach to blogging. Here are some quotes by famous people that directly or indirectly reflect my views on life, carreer, marriage, writing, creativity, or pretty much anything in general.
Enjoy!
"You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one."
Einstein
"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity."
Patrick Murray
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips
"I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it."
Sarah Silverman
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Humor is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."
Oscar Wilde
"People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news."
A.J Liebling
"I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts."
Orson Welles
"There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!"
John Stewart
"One should never underestimate the stimmulation of eccentricity."
Anonymous
“I can sympathize with people's pains, but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.”
Aldous Huxley
“I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.”
Hunter S Thompson
And the final quote that sums me up in a nutshell:
"I'm a one-man idiot."
Eddie Izzard
K, bye for now!
Enjoy!
"You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one."
Einstein
"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity."
Patrick Murray
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips
"I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it."
Sarah Silverman
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Humor is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."
Oscar Wilde
"People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news."
A.J Liebling
"I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts."
Orson Welles
"There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!"
John Stewart
"One should never underestimate the stimmulation of eccentricity."
Anonymous
“I can sympathize with people's pains, but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.”
Aldous Huxley
“I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.”
Hunter S Thompson
And the final quote that sums me up in a nutshell:
"I'm a one-man idiot."
Eddie Izzard
K, bye for now!
Monday, April 03, 2006
In the year 4025
I got to thinking on Friday that a guy by the name of Jesus was wondering around the middle east (and maybe France too) a couple thousand years ago, and told folks that it would be to their benefit to be nice to each other. Then, a couple hundred years later, some blokes wrote it all down the exact way it happened. Then, 2000 years later, a couple million people sign up for blog accounts and write shit exactly how it happens.
I wonder if those of us involved in the blogosphere will be looked at as chriniclers of a particular time or sumpin in the future. In case that does happen, I better do some chroniclin'. Here I go.
"And the Ball with a numerical value of 8 was held to the bosom of the Chosen One and shaken well. Crowds gathered as the Ball revealed it's secret and the people of the planet feasted on Dorritas and drank from plastic containers containing the ambrosia of Pepsye.
All rejoiced when the Ball's magical, mysterious answer to the question of the ages was revealed. It solemnly showed, "Yes."
With upliftment in the hearts of beasts and men, all began churning the butter of peace and spraying the fresh scent of Fabreeze on thier linens. A cloud of dust and those twirly leaves from the trees that children hold dear, arose to the sky above and in this cloud appeared a face so terrifying yet holy that the people cringed, vomited, then bowed to it.
"Praise you, oh dust devil!", they shouted out with glee.
It was then that the heathens from the south invaded the lands and raped it merily. They took the change from underneath cushions and programmed the image givers to show nothing but plays of reality. The southerners poisoned food and water and their overweight frames jiggled when they walked and they giggled when they talked, thinking it made the world go round, round, round.
Then, the Chosen One, Ball with the numerical value of 8 held high for all to see, came prancing in like an imp from a rainbow signed night club and muttered in a voice that should not have been heard by anyone, yet was heard by all, "Hey, get out of here unless you're in the parade!"
It was then that the waters became unpoisoned, and the food became pallatable, and the disease became curable, and the Mott became Hoopable. It was then that those of the south packed up and moved to eastern lands where they set up kiosks and sold various wares of questionable quality.
Amen
K, bye for now.
I wonder if those of us involved in the blogosphere will be looked at as chriniclers of a particular time or sumpin in the future. In case that does happen, I better do some chroniclin'. Here I go.
"And the Ball with a numerical value of 8 was held to the bosom of the Chosen One and shaken well. Crowds gathered as the Ball revealed it's secret and the people of the planet feasted on Dorritas and drank from plastic containers containing the ambrosia of Pepsye.
All rejoiced when the Ball's magical, mysterious answer to the question of the ages was revealed. It solemnly showed, "Yes."
With upliftment in the hearts of beasts and men, all began churning the butter of peace and spraying the fresh scent of Fabreeze on thier linens. A cloud of dust and those twirly leaves from the trees that children hold dear, arose to the sky above and in this cloud appeared a face so terrifying yet holy that the people cringed, vomited, then bowed to it.
"Praise you, oh dust devil!", they shouted out with glee.
It was then that the heathens from the south invaded the lands and raped it merily. They took the change from underneath cushions and programmed the image givers to show nothing but plays of reality. The southerners poisoned food and water and their overweight frames jiggled when they walked and they giggled when they talked, thinking it made the world go round, round, round.
Then, the Chosen One, Ball with the numerical value of 8 held high for all to see, came prancing in like an imp from a rainbow signed night club and muttered in a voice that should not have been heard by anyone, yet was heard by all, "Hey, get out of here unless you're in the parade!"
It was then that the waters became unpoisoned, and the food became pallatable, and the disease became curable, and the Mott became Hoopable. It was then that those of the south packed up and moved to eastern lands where they set up kiosks and sold various wares of questionable quality.
Amen
K, bye for now.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Friday's Fetish Foto Froo Froo
Today we will examine the art of Fetish Photography! If I knew anything about photography, I'd certainly give you my thoughts on these pics but all I know is that what I like is what I like.
I'm including links to the sites where I lifted these pics in hopes that will negate any thoughts of copyright infringement action. I don't know the models' names but the links are the names of the photographers.
Enjoy!
I'm including links to the sites where I lifted these pics in hopes that will negate any thoughts of copyright infringement action. I don't know the models' names but the links are the names of the photographers.
Enjoy!
Aisha Roper has a fantastic eye (probably 2 fantastic eyes) and the rest of her ain't bad either! I love this woman in a way t
hat could very well find me with a restraining order in my mailbox.
Chantal Manard. I've used her pictures here before and now I'm finally giving credit where credit is due. Viva les Chantal Manard!
Here's one for the heterosexul, female readers and my homosexual male friends. I don't know much about the photographer other than his/her name is Carey.
Good God, this guy is excellent! Perry Gallagher is his name and please go. He has a gallery so extensive it took me 45 minutes to find this one after enjoying about 100 others.
Here's my newest friend whom I link in my links section over on the right there. His name is B. Jonathan Michaels and he lives in a wonderful city called Saskatoon that can have some of the coldest weather ever, yet he's single handedly bringing heat to the town.
Well, it seems blogger won't let you add too many pics. Pfft.
Please enjoy these ones and please, please go to the websites and check these fine artistes out. If you can afford it, please buy something from them. Art is wonderful but sorely missed when the artist dies of starvation.
K, have a good weekend and bye for now!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Red Hat Society: Harmless Fun or Evil Incarnate?
Last night I did my first stand up comedy in nearly 4 months and I'd love to be self depricating and modest but I must admit that I did well. Was it the beer? Was it the decent, receptive crowd? Was it the material suggestions that my friend Cory gave me? Yes, yes, and yes.
There was a weird thing, though. There were about 6 or 7 post-menopausal (sp?) women sitting in one row, and they all had funky red hats on. Someone had mentioned that they were part of a group called "The Red Hat Society." I know nothing about it and I will Google it as soon as I'm done this entry. The reason I'm not doing the research first is because I have several theories as to what this group is about and I don't want to taint my hypothoses.
Red Hat Society
- An organized group of wives of high level businessmen who are actually the ones pulling the strings of their puppet husbands. They control content of women's magazines such as "O", Better Homes & Gardens, and Popular Mechanics.
- Women who have mastered 'dark arts' such as alchemy and astral travel. They have discovered a way to write their names in snow (while urinating) using cursive writing; a secret they refuse to divulge to lesser, non initiated women.
- A vigilante justice organization that uses shame, guilt, and purse hitting as their primary weapons against street criminals.
- Carrot Top Fan Club members
- Cyborgs with a collective concious they use to create the best...Jam...ever!
- Cult members out celebrating one last hoorah before Kool-Aid Day.
K, I'm gonna go look 'em up. Bye for now.
*Note: I just looked up Red Hat Society and I gotta tell ya, they seem like the sweetest group of ladies ever! I was way off in my theories. If there is a Red Hat Society lady that accidentally finds her way here, would you care to adopt a fastly approaching middle age, slightly overweight, married guy? I'll do chores and I will sexually please each and every one of you!
Red Hat Society's Official Website
There was a weird thing, though. There were about 6 or 7 post-menopausal (sp?) women sitting in one row, and they all had funky red hats on. Someone had mentioned that they were part of a group called "The Red Hat Society." I know nothing about it and I will Google it as soon as I'm done this entry. The reason I'm not doing the research first is because I have several theories as to what this group is about and I don't want to taint my hypothoses.
Red Hat Society
- An organized group of wives of high level businessmen who are actually the ones pulling the strings of their puppet husbands. They control content of women's magazines such as "O", Better Homes & Gardens, and Popular Mechanics.
- Women who have mastered 'dark arts' such as alchemy and astral travel. They have discovered a way to write their names in snow (while urinating) using cursive writing; a secret they refuse to divulge to lesser, non initiated women.
- A vigilante justice organization that uses shame, guilt, and purse hitting as their primary weapons against street criminals.
- Carrot Top Fan Club members
- Cyborgs with a collective concious they use to create the best...Jam...ever!
- Cult members out celebrating one last hoorah before Kool-Aid Day.
K, I'm gonna go look 'em up. Bye for now.
*Note: I just looked up Red Hat Society and I gotta tell ya, they seem like the sweetest group of ladies ever! I was way off in my theories. If there is a Red Hat Society lady that accidentally finds her way here, would you care to adopt a fastly approaching middle age, slightly overweight, married guy? I'll do chores and I will sexually please each and every one of you!
Red Hat Society's Official Website
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Good things come in 3s!
My kids are so awesome, it makes me tingle! I get home from work yesterday (my 38th birthday) and found out they left the house and went to the mall. I was about to give 'em shit because they're not suppose to do that, the mall is a dangerous place, but they went on to tell me that the reason they went was because they wanted to buy me a present with their own money! How do you give 'em shit for that, eh?But guess what they bought me? They bought me Gene Simmons from Kiss! But not just one doll. Not two dolls, but three of them! I have 3 Gene Simmons dolls in different poses from
different times in Kisstory.It was so cute because I lost my hard core Kiss fanaticism years ago and I really don't think my life would be less great if I didn't have these dolls in my possession. But they've heard my stories of my air guitar concerts, my bedroom walls with nothing but Kiss posters on 'em, and my
application and subsequent acceptance into the Kiss Army (I was a field medic).So yeah, it was cute and silly and totally loveable! I can't wait 'til Christmas when I open up the econo box of tampons they get me.
K, bye for now.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
38 years old and never kissed a girl
Happy birthday to me.
Things I haven't done in my life that I wish I had by now:
Getting Hilary Clinton to fullfill my bondage fantasy
Running through a field of daisies with gentle, sweet music in the background, and my arms open to embrace...Godzilla. Then we'd fight to the death.
Tango-ing with Kathy Bates (I'd like to see if I'm strong enough for "the dip")
Drinking with Frankie Venom, Joey Shithead, Mickey DeSadist, Richard Hell, Johnny Rotten (actually forget Johnny Rotten, he'd just bring us all down), Captain Sensible, The Dayglo Abortions and Tipper Gore all at the same time.
Taking a slinky to a 12-Step meeting and saying, "Allright, let's get drunk and do this!"
Learning to spell cimonim/cinnommonnn/sinomum...the spice.
Write a "chick flick" with Andrew Dice Clay as the star.
Widdle a chunk of wood on my front porch and sing spirituals
Yeah, so that's about it really. Other than that my life is complete.
K, bye for now
Things I haven't done in my life that I wish I had by now:
Getting Hilary Clinton to fullfill my bondage fantasy
Running through a field of daisies with gentle, sweet music in the background, and my arms open to embrace...Godzilla. Then we'd fight to the death.
Tango-ing with Kathy Bates (I'd like to see if I'm strong enough for "the dip")
Drinking with Frankie Venom, Joey Shithead, Mickey DeSadist, Richard Hell, Johnny Rotten (actually forget Johnny Rotten, he'd just bring us all down), Captain Sensible, The Dayglo Abortions and Tipper Gore all at the same time.
Taking a slinky to a 12-Step meeting and saying, "Allright, let's get drunk and do this!"
Learning to spell cimonim/cinnommonnn/sinomum...the spice.
Write a "chick flick" with Andrew Dice Clay as the star.
Widdle a chunk of wood on my front porch and sing spirituals
Yeah, so that's about it really. Other than that my life is complete.
K, bye for now
Monday, March 27, 2006
For those about to rock...
In December '05 I commited to a 1 year hiatus from Stand-up comedy but I figued I would go back and do amateur nights every once in awhile just for the heck of it. Well, I think I'm on this week (I'm not totally sure, someone wanna lemme know?) and I tell ya, I'm nervous.
I'm not nervous to go on a stage, but I'm nervous about the new material I wrote for it. It seems to me like it's chok full of over used premises, wacky faces, and bad impressions. Okay, maybe not the wacky faces or impressions, but the premise thing has got me scared.
So this is my challenge to you, my 5 readers: post as many subjects on jokes you want in the comment column but they cannot be about anything you've ever heard a stand up comic do before. It doesn't matter if you've never seen live comedy before, I'll decide later if it won't work for me.
I know, you're thinking that I should be able to do it myself. Melba toast has never been done before so do melba toast." Well, I admit that I often get inspiration from the strangeness of others, so if you want, go for it! I'm all about taking chances, so make me take a chance!
And remember that others who leave a comment without the same knowledge as you are okay in my books and let's not turn this into a slagfest please. Everyone is welcome to post whatever subjects they want (hell, include an original joke and I'll try it out for ya- I'm not that proud!)
So let's get on with this experiment and see what happens!!
I'll post on Thursday and let ya know how it went!
Thanks,
Mr. Winkie
I'm not nervous to go on a stage, but I'm nervous about the new material I wrote for it. It seems to me like it's chok full of over used premises, wacky faces, and bad impressions. Okay, maybe not the wacky faces or impressions, but the premise thing has got me scared.
So this is my challenge to you, my 5 readers: post as many subjects on jokes you want in the comment column but they cannot be about anything you've ever heard a stand up comic do before. It doesn't matter if you've never seen live comedy before, I'll decide later if it won't work for me.
I know, you're thinking that I should be able to do it myself. Melba toast has never been done before so do melba toast." Well, I admit that I often get inspiration from the strangeness of others, so if you want, go for it! I'm all about taking chances, so make me take a chance!
And remember that others who leave a comment without the same knowledge as you are okay in my books and let's not turn this into a slagfest please. Everyone is welcome to post whatever subjects they want (hell, include an original joke and I'll try it out for ya- I'm not that proud!)
So let's get on with this experiment and see what happens!!
I'll post on Thursday and let ya know how it went!
Thanks,
Mr. Winkie
Friday, March 24, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Doug Stanhope for President! (And Frankie Venom for Prime Minister!)
I apologize to my well wishers who wished me well in my non smoking adventure. It was a failure and I feel like an absolute knob. I shouldn't beat myself up, I know, but that's what smoking does to you - it makes you feel shitty when you're not smoking and even shittier when you are smoking. Fucking stupid things.
But that doesn't mean I have given up! I'm trying a different approach. I don't want to give too much away but let's just say it involves the sacrifice of a live chicken every other day. I do promise this to you, my friends and family - I will have it beat before long. I'm gonna keep trying and maybe the time will come when the shame of failure is so great that I never want to feel it again. I wasn't even gonna mention it but I recieved two pieces of correspondi today that made me regret posting that I was gonna try and quit (you both know who you are).
But anyway, we'll give it another go next Wednesday, how's that? Why next wedenseday, you ask? That's my birthday and maybe considering it as a present to myself might work some kind of voodoo charm or something.
Head hung low,
Mr. Winkie
But that doesn't mean I have given up! I'm trying a different approach. I don't want to give too much away but let's just say it involves the sacrifice of a live chicken every other day. I do promise this to you, my friends and family - I will have it beat before long. I'm gonna keep trying and maybe the time will come when the shame of failure is so great that I never want to feel it again. I wasn't even gonna mention it but I recieved two pieces of correspondi today that made me regret posting that I was gonna try and quit (you both know who you are).
But anyway, we'll give it another go next Wednesday, how's that? Why next wedenseday, you ask? That's my birthday and maybe considering it as a present to myself might work some kind of voodoo charm or something.
Head hung low,
Mr. Winkie
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Doug Stanhope For President!!!
Until the American elections or until I get bored of doing it, the headline for every blog entry will be "Doug Stanhope For President!" He claims to be running for president in '08 as an independent and God help ya if he wins (seriously, God will help him far more than that shit-fer-brains ya got now). And suddenly, the world will be at peace and you can guarentee that at minumum, weed will be legalized.
Go Doug, go!
And, in other news...
It maybe just for today or it may last a couple of days, but I'm gonna spend some time wallowing in self pitty, sleeping, and/or generally not being creative. As a result, this blog thing will suffer.
I mean, it's not like it's gold everytime anyway. I struck gold with 2 maybe 3 entries but the rest haven't been gold, they've been more like potassium permanganate (that's the substance they add to Armor All to give it it's distinctive scent).
I wish I could write gold everytime, then I could write for a top notch sitcom (actually, is thee such a thing anymore?). As it is right now, I'd be lucky to get a gig writing for "World's Wildest Police Chases." Here's a sample:
"Our next criminal thought that driving the wrong way down a divided highway was a good idea... until the cops spotted him, that is!
He crashes into a highway divider and his loot of stolen Speak & Spells spills on the road, spelling out disaster for innocent passersby. The cops arrest him for bad grammer and grand theft auto.
Here's one criminal who will learn how to spell 'jailhouse ass rape' before he's ellegible for parole!"
I only wish Kate & Ashley Olsen were six and making those shitty straight to video things they made when they were six. Here's a sample of something I was commissioned to do years ago but my agent forgot to forward it. It's called "K-K-K-IDS!!!"
KATE: Ar ooo a Jew, Ashwey?
ASHLEY: No way, Jose!
KATE: Ar ooo a dorkie darkie, Ashwey?
ASHLEY: No way, Jose!
KATE: Are ooo da Imperwial Wizzad, Ashwey?
ASHLEY: (gives a "2 thumbs up" sign) Oooo got it Pontiac!
(The girls break into a dance)
END
BTW, I don't agree with what I wrote - I was commissioned to do it and I'm a big whore.
So don't be suprised if I miss an entry here and there over the next week or two. I apologize in advance.
K, bye for now.
Go Doug, go!
And, in other news...
It maybe just for today or it may last a couple of days, but I'm gonna spend some time wallowing in self pitty, sleeping, and/or generally not being creative. As a result, this blog thing will suffer.
I mean, it's not like it's gold everytime anyway. I struck gold with 2 maybe 3 entries but the rest haven't been gold, they've been more like potassium permanganate (that's the substance they add to Armor All to give it it's distinctive scent).
I wish I could write gold everytime, then I could write for a top notch sitcom (actually, is thee such a thing anymore?). As it is right now, I'd be lucky to get a gig writing for "World's Wildest Police Chases." Here's a sample:
"Our next criminal thought that driving the wrong way down a divided highway was a good idea... until the cops spotted him, that is!
He crashes into a highway divider and his loot of stolen Speak & Spells spills on the road, spelling out disaster for innocent passersby. The cops arrest him for bad grammer and grand theft auto.
Here's one criminal who will learn how to spell 'jailhouse ass rape' before he's ellegible for parole!"
I only wish Kate & Ashley Olsen were six and making those shitty straight to video things they made when they were six. Here's a sample of something I was commissioned to do years ago but my agent forgot to forward it. It's called "K-K-K-IDS!!!"
KATE: Ar ooo a Jew, Ashwey?
ASHLEY: No way, Jose!
KATE: Ar ooo a dorkie darkie, Ashwey?
ASHLEY: No way, Jose!
KATE: Are ooo da Imperwial Wizzad, Ashwey?
ASHLEY: (gives a "2 thumbs up" sign) Oooo got it Pontiac!
(The girls break into a dance)
END
BTW, I don't agree with what I wrote - I was commissioned to do it and I'm a big whore.
So don't be suprised if I miss an entry here and there over the next week or two. I apologize in advance.
K, bye for now.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
So how do you feel, asswipe?
Hello mine friends,
Okay it's Monday and DAY 1 of me not smoking. The first day of not smoking is not that bad. The light headedness is not without a certain charm and it's still a novelty.
I read a blog sometime last week ( I Must Be Nuts ) by a guy who is trying to quit smoking and he seemed so sincere that I figured I'd give it another go after I had a weekend of debauchery, which consisted of attending my 2 yr. old niece's birthday, and a hockey game.
K, I'm feeling quite anxious as I write this. I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep. I need a snack.
I
am
discombobulated.
Charm has worn off.
Bye kids.
Okay it's Monday and DAY 1 of me not smoking. The first day of not smoking is not that bad. The light headedness is not without a certain charm and it's still a novelty.
I read a blog sometime last week ( I Must Be Nuts ) by a guy who is trying to quit smoking and he seemed so sincere that I figured I'd give it another go after I had a weekend of debauchery, which consisted of attending my 2 yr. old niece's birthday, and a hockey game.
K, I'm feeling quite anxious as I write this. I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep. I need a snack.
I
am
discombobulated.
Charm has worn off.
Bye kids.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Freaky Friday...yeah whatever.
You may or may not know that I have an extreme appreciation for beauty originating from India. It started years ago when I first learned my current trade of "film projectionist"
at a movie house that showed Art Films during the week and Hindi films on weekends.
The actresses that filled the screen were nothing short of stunning to me and while it may not be all that "freaky" to you, it is to me. I get extremely intense feelings of lust everytime I watch a Hindi movie (and I watch alot of them as part of my job). Maybe it's that exotic, forbidden fruit thing. I say that because marrying or otherwise "carrying on" with members outside the Indian culture is extremely frowned upon (I guess it's that way in alot of cultures).
And what's kinda weird about the culture is that here are the folks that wrote the definitive book on fucking - The Kama Sutra, and their movies are very sexy but there's no nudity and it's even rare to see a kiss that goes futher than a peck on the cheek. Everything to do with sex in Hindi films is hinted at through dance and song.
But anyway, here are a few pics of some East Indian actresses.
I can write their names down but I find it hard to spell English names correctly, let alone exotic Indian names.
Oh, and a side note - I believe India is the origin of the most Miss Universe winners. I think many of you will agree why.
K, Chukria (that means thank you in Hindi but I doubt the spelling is correct)
at a movie house that showed Art Films during the week and Hindi films on weekends.The actresses that filled the screen were nothing short of stunning to me and while it may not be all that "freaky" to you, it is to me. I get extremely intense feelings of lust everytime I watch a Hindi movie (and I watch alot of them as part of my job). Maybe it's that exotic, forbidden fruit thing. I say that because marrying or otherwise "carrying on" with members outside the Indian culture is extremely frowned upon (I guess it's that way in alot of cultures).
And what's kinda weird about the culture is that here are the folks that wrote the definitive book on fucking - The Kama Sutra, and their movies are very sexy but there's no nudity and it's even rare to see a kiss that goes futher than a peck on the cheek. Everything to do with sex in Hindi films is hinted at through dance and song.
But anyway, here are a few pics of some East Indian actresses.
I can write their names down but I find it hard to spell English names correctly, let alone exotic Indian names.
Oh, and a side note - I believe India is the origin of the most Miss Universe winners. I think many of you will agree why.
K, Chukria (that means thank you in Hindi but I doubt the spelling is correct)
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Just What Everyone Wants - A Poetry Blog
Earth to Thought
Earth to thought
please come in
I'd like to know
where you been
As elusive as
snow in June
Must be on the dark side
of the moon
Earth to thought
all systems failed
Protective tiles
fell off your tail
You been gone
for a millenium
"Ahh, Houston?
We have a problem."
Has Astral travel made you sick
Or have you been sucked into a black hole
Are you a victim of Newtonian physic
Oh thought I miss you soooo!
Earth to thought
say hi to Major Tom
You use to hang with me
Now you're gone
I need you but you don't seem to
need me
I guess you burnt up
on re-entry
Earth to thought
please come in
I'd like to know
where you been
As elusive as
snow in June
Must be on the dark side
of the moon
Earth to thought
all systems failed
Protective tiles
fell off your tail
You been gone
for a millenium
"Ahh, Houston?
We have a problem."
Has Astral travel made you sick
Or have you been sucked into a black hole
Are you a victim of Newtonian physic
Oh thought I miss you soooo!
Earth to thought
say hi to Major Tom
You use to hang with me
Now you're gone
I need you but you don't seem to
need me
I guess you burnt up
on re-entry
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
For My Illuminati Brethren
As we all know, He has come!
Those of you who know the secret to decoding what's below, I ask this of thee:
At 0300hrs on the 17th day of the 3rd month in the 2006th year of our Lord, recite this poem so that our one voice can help He who is in Darkness shine light on us all once again!
Now decode the blank space and blankness will be ours no more.
Oh! Ohhhh
I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cos I just wait till you write me your coming around
I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!
Hey , alright now
and dont it feel good!!hey
yeh I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true
and I don't want to spend all my life , just in waiting for you
now I don't want u back for the weekendnot back for a day , no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay
woah yeh!
I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!! Hey , alright now
and don't it feel good!!hey yeh ,oh yeh
and don't it feel good!!
walking on sunshine
walking on sunshine
I feel the love,
I feel the love,
I feel the love that's really real
I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
and don't it feel good!!
I'll say it again nowand don't it feel good!!
Go in peace, my children for our day is upon us!
Those of you who know the secret to decoding what's below, I ask this of thee:
At 0300hrs on the 17th day of the 3rd month in the 2006th year of our Lord, recite this poem so that our one voice can help He who is in Darkness shine light on us all once again!
Now decode the blank space and blankness will be ours no more.
Oh! Ohhhh
I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cos I just wait till you write me your coming around
I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!
Hey , alright now
and dont it feel good!!hey
yeh I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true
and I don't want to spend all my life , just in waiting for you
now I don't want u back for the weekendnot back for a day , no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay
woah yeh!
I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!! Hey , alright now
and don't it feel good!!hey yeh ,oh yeh
and don't it feel good!!
walking on sunshine
walking on sunshine
I feel the love,
I feel the love,
I feel the love that's really real
I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
and don't it feel good!!
I'll say it again nowand don't it feel good!!
Go in peace, my children for our day is upon us!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Ich Bin Ein Uber Dork
I'm at Tim Horton's (for my American cousins, it's amazingly delicious coffee served by amazingly inefficient people), and I'm standing in line behind two city workers who are wearing identical cover-alls, both with big yellow, reflective 'X's on the backs of them. Two tills open at the same time with one till in between the two X men. Standing at the till between them is a guy with some circular symbol on the back of his jacket. Behind me is a mom and a kid who appears to be about 10. So I look at the till then back at the kid. I say to the kid, "Hey buddy, it's your turn." The kid looks at me confused, and I say "for tic-tac-toe. It's your turn. You're 'o' so go."
This was my way of having fun and I thought the kid would get a giggle out of it. But the kid took me very seriously and went to the guy on the left, crouched down and made an "o" with his arms. Just after he said "Okay, it's your turn now," the guy with an "X' on his back turned and tripped over the little kid, causing him to cry.
I felt like such an idiot. The Mom shoved me aside, gathered her crying kid up, passed me with a huff and left without getting their coffee.
The whole experience made me think of when Kings would use slaves or servants to play Chess on a huge board out in the courtyard and sometimes when disputes were serious, the servants' or slave's lives were on the line.
So if you're out there, kid, I'm sorry you got hurt but guess what? I won by default!!! Loser!!
K, bye for now
P.S
This is unrelated but I just want to say that both Mac and PC computers are frigging useless. Linux people should just go to hell too, and while I'm at it, those dumb dumbs who use an abacass are retards. And microwave ovens? What are you an idiot?
Okay, now that that is done, I have to go check my 'hit counter'.
This was my way of having fun and I thought the kid would get a giggle out of it. But the kid took me very seriously and went to the guy on the left, crouched down and made an "o" with his arms. Just after he said "Okay, it's your turn now," the guy with an "X' on his back turned and tripped over the little kid, causing him to cry.
I felt like such an idiot. The Mom shoved me aside, gathered her crying kid up, passed me with a huff and left without getting their coffee.
The whole experience made me think of when Kings would use slaves or servants to play Chess on a huge board out in the courtyard and sometimes when disputes were serious, the servants' or slave's lives were on the line.
So if you're out there, kid, I'm sorry you got hurt but guess what? I won by default!!! Loser!!
K, bye for now
P.S
This is unrelated but I just want to say that both Mac and PC computers are frigging useless. Linux people should just go to hell too, and while I'm at it, those dumb dumbs who use an abacass are retards. And microwave ovens? What are you an idiot?
Okay, now that that is done, I have to go check my 'hit counter'.
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