Some Day never comes... and neither does the missus.

Hey there. You don't know me but you may recognise me from television (I use to be Mikey from the Life Cereal commercials but I've found out that Life cereal gave me a brain tumor).

Anyway, other than the headaches, the need for bigger hats and the hallucinations (both visual AND olfactory), things have been going pretty good for me! I got a gig in another T.V commercial just last month and it should air sometime next month. I play dog poo in a deodorizer commercial. I can't say the name of the product just yet nor can I give you any details about the commercial. All I can tell you is that I'm a method actor so preparing for this one was tough.

But in the end (no, not the dog's end, silly!) it all worked out. My buddy Ferris who supplied the voice for the cigar smoke gave me a book on Dianetics and I think there's something there that I can hold onto. L. Ron Hubbard may have been a totally insane, mediocre science fiction writer who claimed to have been the world's greatest sailor/adventurer and who also lived with then ripped off a group of Satanists, but you gotta like the guy and his "ideas."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you that I'm dating a celebrity! It won't be long before you see my smiling mug holding onto my new love on PerezHilton's celebulog website! I just hope my lover (Waldo from Where's Waldo fame) can handle the pressure of being a celebrity again. Sometimes he's so unstable...God, this headache won't go away. Everything is purple and I smell toast. Oh, well.

Okay, I gotta run. I'm needed...oh, thank heaven I'm needed.

I Want To Know What Love Is...

Before I get started, this is the first time in my life I ever quoted Foreigner without following it with a string of expletives. But it made for an a'papros title for todays entry.

I'll be celebrating/cursing my 39th birthday in a couple of weeks and I realized that the love you feel for someone when your 17 or 18 is different then the love you feel for someone when you not 17 or 18.

Things a young girl would say and an old man would say are different.

17yr. old: I can't live without him!

39yr. old: I can't live without her company medical plan.

-----------------------------------------------------

17yr. old: Just looking at him makes me melt!

39yr. old: Last night we fucked and she got on top. Call Guiness!

-----------------------------------------------------

17yr. old: He showers me with love.

39yr. old: I'm going to jerk off in the shower.

----------------------------------------------------

17yr. old: I can so see us growing old together.

39yr. old: If you were my friend you'd kill me.

-----------------------------------------------------

17yr. old: We made love last night!

39yr. old: We made macaroni and cheese last night.

-----------------------------------------------------

17yr. old: When we're together nothing else matters.

39 yr. old: When I pick her up from work I go up to the receptionist and drop my pen. When I bend over to pick it up, I can see up her skirt! Mmmmm.

------------------------------------------------------

17yr. old: He's soooo funny!

39yr. old: She's sooooooo retarded.

------------------------------------------------------

Sincerely,

Mr. Winkie

I don't know why I swallowed the fly.

I'm not an old lady but I swallowed a fly. I don't think I'll die but it wasn't very pleasant. And I don't care what anyone tells you, flies do NOT taste like chicken. They taste more like Cheese Puffs chased with Diet Coke. Now Spittlebugs - there's a meal! Whether they're in the larval stage or full grown, Spittlebugs make my mouth water!

Spittlebug Pie Recipe

100 - Spittle Bugs
1 - Pie shell and crust
Cinnamon

Combine Cinnamon and spittlebugs then put it in the pie shell and then bake it. Eat it when it's done.

The best thing about Spittlebugs is that their name has the word "spittle" in it. It's a fun word!

I don't know where I'm going with this but something tells me that it's nowhere.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

Alberta Bound...and Gagged

Hey there,
I'm off to Calgary Alberta to entertain groups of people in a non-sexual situation. In the meantime, here are some pictures that may amuse you. They amused me.

See you next week or the week after or something...maybe.

Love,

Mr.Winkie

Quickest posting ever

I haven't had a thought in 3 days. At first, I thought that someone had been slipping me Xanax but I realized that I was just overthinking the issue.

When I say I didn't have a thought, you may think that I'm talking about some sort of creativity block or something but no, I mean I didn't think for 3 days. Nothing but grey in my brain for 72 hours. It was awesome! I think. Anywhoo, I'm back in full force today; just sittin' around and thinking my ass off. Here's some thoughts:

My fingertips smell like bacon bits. I dunno why, they just do. What did I do in my fog??

I wouldn't want to be probed by Aliens or Dr. Phil.

I wish the bad guy in the SAW films was a game show host. "Contestants, we are about to play a game," "Tell her what she's won, Charlie!"

I want to make a home sex video with a famous person. Someone like Rue Maclenahan.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh skimina rinky dinky dink, skimina rinky dooo, I love asssss.

K, this was stupid,

Mr. Winkie

Amateur Porn

The following is my first attempt at writing pornography. I hate to brag but I think it's pretty good and unlike most porn, mine is geared toward the man and woman.


Half asleep and my eyes still closed, the greyness of semi conciousness give way to the color of pleasant but as yet unknown sensations eminating from my 'cack.' A very brief panic subsides when I realize that I am not wetting the bed but being fondled. I don't open my eyes just yet for fear that if I were dreaming, it'll dissapear quicker than a Mafioso turned informant.
I feel movement beside me and soon the wonderous sensation of warm, moist lips around my "poster tube" make me feel really awesome!
I succeed in putting off blowing my load by opening my eyes and seeing the dog's ass right beside my face. I shoo the dog away five times and then look under the covers to see an exotic, dark skinned babe reefing on my hammer. She looks up at me, bats her eyelashes, smiles and continues doing the nasty on my giblets without saying a word. I moan in happiness.
Then she rises up and tries to kiss me but I stop her and whisper in her ear, "hey, you just had my salami in your mouth, wacko. I ain't kissing you."
Then I do my famous rug munching routine (copyright 1994). Her joy at my obvious joy of performing this joyous act gives her extreme joy and she groans a joyous groan of happiness and joy as I make her eyes turn back in her head. She's so hot now, she breaks out in hives.
We then position ourselves for some doggystyle love and I shoo the dog away again as it tries to lick my bum. Slowly I pound her and she quickly cries, "slower!" It's getting to the point where I'm totally like "Wow" and she's all "Woo!"
She gets up and smacks my ass and says, "It's my turn now, shithead. I'm in charge!"
From out of no where she pulls out a gargantuan turnip and says, "Eat this while I pee on your chest." I do as I'm told even though turnips make me gaseous.
With my face covered in turnip juice and my chest gleaming from her urine-exfoliation treatment, she ties me to the bed, puts the gag ball in my mouth and tells me the 'safety word.' That word is Humbucker.
She takes out the BB gun from the closet and pumps it no less then 50 times. She starts shooting me and tears run down my face as I try to scream the safety word. But with the gag ball in my mouth, "Humbucker" sounds more like "Klughhhhsfasdkf". Thankfully she puts the gun away before she shoots my eyes out. She calls me a "good boy."
She removes the gag ball and commands that I finish my rug munching routine (copyright 1994). I do and she screams in eccstatic eccstacy!
She goes to the shower but not before telling me to finish myself off while she's gone. Which I do. Then I cry in shame.

I love her.


Mr. Winkie

It's lunchtime

It's lunchtime and I'm bored. I also have been looking for an excuse to put pictures of beautiful women up on here. The only problem with that is I appear to be sexist. So I thought I'd put pictures up for both the guys and girls.
Oh, and feel free to masturbate.

Boy, what a weekend!

A couple of weeks ago I decided to shave my 'bits'. I've done it before and I enjoyed the feeling of a newly shorn nether region. Everytime I do this though, I always end up with an ingrown hair. And if you've never had one, let me just tell you that it never ends up lookin' pretty. So I got this goin on.

And on Saturday I discovered that I had an extremely itchy toe. I took off my sock and noted the tell-tale sign of athlete's foot. Which is ironic because I'm not much of an athlete. So I picked up some Tenactin and have been using that but it takes 4 weeks to cure. So I guess my foot will remain athletic for awhile yet.

Then on Sunday morning, I awoke with the worst toothache ever. Top tooth at the back. It felt like someone were fucking my brain while wearing a barbed wire condom. The only way to alleviate the pain (dentists are closed on Sundays. Assholes), was to swish extremely cold water around my mouth which would numb the pain for all of 45 seconds. The toothache lasted from 8am Sunday morning until 6:30am Monday morning. Seeing how I couldn't sleep, I spent that 22 1/2 hours drinking extremely cold water. I peed alot and took yesterday off.

So, that's how my weekend was. Christ, I'm attractive.

Ouch,

Mr. Winkie