Mr.Winkie's

Some Day never comes... and neither does the missus.

2007-11-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

Hey there. You don't know me but you may recognise me from television (I use to be Mikey from the Life Cereal commercials but I've found out that Life cereal gave me a brain tumor).

Anyway, other than the headaches, the need for bigger hats and the hallucinations (both visual AND olfactory), things have been going pretty good for me! I got a gig in another T.V commercial just last month and it should air sometime next month. I play dog poo in a deodorizer commercial. I can't say the name of the product just yet nor can I give you any details about the commercial. All I can tell you is that I'm a method actor so preparing for this one was tough.

But in the end (no, not the dog's end, silly!) it all worked out. My buddy Ferris who supplied the voice for the cigar smoke gave me a book on Dianetics and I think there's something there that I can hold onto. L. Ron Hubbard may have been a totally insane, mediocre science fiction writer who claimed to have been the world's greatest sailor/adventurer and who also lived with then ripped off a group of Satanists, but you gotta like the guy and his "ideas."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you that I'm dating a celebrity! It won't be long before you see my smiling mug holding onto my new love on PerezHilton's celebulog website! I just hope my lover (Waldo from Where's Waldo fame) can handle the pressure of being a celebrity again. Sometimes he's so unstable...God, this headache won't go away. Everything is purple and I smell toast. Oh, well.

Okay, I gotta run. I'm needed...oh, thank heaven I'm needed.

I Want To Know What Love Is...

2007-03-13T13:20:00.000-06:00

Before I get started, this is the first time in my life I ever quoted Foreigner without following it with a string of expletives. But it made for an a'papros title for todays entry.

I'll be celebrating/cursing my 39th birthday in a couple of weeks and I realized that the love you feel for someone when your 17 or 18 is different then the love you feel for someone when you not 17 or 18.

Things a young girl would say and an old man would say are different.

17yr. old: I can't live without him!

39yr. old: I can't live without her company medical plan.

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17yr. old: Just looking at him makes me melt!

39yr. old: Last night we fucked and she got on top. Call Guiness!

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17yr. old: He showers me with love.

39yr. old: I'm going to jerk off in the shower.

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17yr. old: I can so see us growing old together.

39yr. old: If you were my friend you'd kill me.

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17yr. old: We made love last night!

39yr. old: We made macaroni and cheese last night.

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17yr. old: When we're together nothing else matters.

39 yr. old: When I pick her up from work I go up to the receptionist and drop my pen. When I bend over to pick it up, I can see up her skirt! Mmmmm.

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17yr. old: He's soooo funny!

39yr. old: She's sooooooo retarded.

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Sincerely,

Mr. Winkie

I don't know why I swallowed the fly.

2007-03-12T09:29:00.000-06:00

I'm not an old lady but I swallowed a fly. I don't think I'll die but it wasn't very pleasant. And I don't care what anyone tells you, flies do NOT taste like chicken. They taste more like Cheese Puffs chased with Diet Coke. Now Spittlebugs - there's a meal! Whether they're in the larval stage or full grown, Spittlebugs make my mouth water!

Spittlebug Pie Recipe

100 - Spittle Bugs
1 - Pie shell and crust
Cinnamon

Combine Cinnamon and spittlebugs then put it in the pie shell and then bake it. Eat it when it's done.

The best thing about Spittlebugs is that their name has the word "spittle" in it. It's a fun word!

I don't know where I'm going with this but something tells me that it's nowhere.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

Alberta Bound...and Gagged

2007-01-30T11:12:00.000-07:00

Hey there,
I'm off to Calgary Alberta to entertain groups of people in a non-sexual situation. In the meantime, here are some pictures that may amuse you. They amused me.

See you next week or the week after or something...maybe.

Love,

Mr.Winkie

Quickest posting ever

2007-01-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a thought in 3 days. At first, I thought that someone had been slipping me Xanax but I realized that I was just overthinking the issue.

When I say I didn't have a thought, you may think that I'm talking about some sort of creativity block or something but no, I mean I didn't think for 3 days. Nothing but grey in my brain for 72 hours. It was awesome! I think. Anywhoo, I'm back in full force today; just sittin' around and thinking my ass off. Here's some thoughts:

My fingertips smell like bacon bits. I dunno why, they just do. What did I do in my fog??

I wouldn't want to be probed by Aliens or Dr. Phil.

I wish the bad guy in the SAW films was a game show host. "Contestants, we are about to play a game," "Tell her what she's won, Charlie!"

I want to make a home sex video with a famous person. Someone like Rue Maclenahan.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh skimina rinky dinky dink, skimina rinky dooo, I love asssss.

K, this was stupid,

Mr. Winkie

Amateur Porn

2007-01-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

The following is my first attempt at writing pornography. I hate to brag but I think it's pretty good and unlike most porn, mine is geared toward the man and woman.

Half asleep and my eyes still closed, the greyness of semi conciousness give way to the color of pleasant but as yet unknown sensations eminating from my 'cack.' A very brief panic subsides when I realize that I am not wetting the bed but being fondled. I don't open my eyes just yet for fear that if I were dreaming, it'll dissapear quicker than a Mafioso turned informant.
I feel movement beside me and soon the wonderous sensation of warm, moist lips around my "poster tube" make me feel really awesome!
I succeed in putting off blowing my load by opening my eyes and seeing the dog's ass right beside my face. I shoo the dog away five times and then look under the covers to see an exotic, dark skinned babe reefing on my hammer. She looks up at me, bats her eyelashes, smiles and continues doing the nasty on my giblets without saying a word. I moan in happiness.
Then she rises up and tries to kiss me but I stop her and whisper in her ear, "hey, you just had my salami in your mouth, wacko. I ain't kissing you."
Then I do my famous rug munching routine (copyright 1994). Her joy at my obvious joy of performing this joyous act gives her extreme joy and she groans a joyous groan of happiness and joy as I make her eyes turn back in her head. She's so hot now, she breaks out in hives.
We then position ourselves for some doggystyle love and I shoo the dog away again as it tries to lick my bum. Slowly I pound her and she quickly cries, "slower!" It's getting to the point where I'm totally like "Wow" and she's all "Woo!"
She gets up and smacks my ass and says, "It's my turn now, shithead. I'm in charge!"
From out of no where she pulls out a gargantuan turnip and says, "Eat this while I pee on your chest." I do as I'm told even though turnips make me gaseous.
With my face covered in turnip juice and my chest gleaming from her urine-exfoliation treatment, she ties me to the bed, puts the gag ball in my mouth and tells me the 'safety word.' That word is Humbucker.
She takes out the BB gun from the closet and pumps it no less then 50 times. She starts shooting me and tears run down my face as I try to scream the safety word. But with the gag ball in my mouth, "Humbucker" sounds more like "Klughhhhsfasdkf". Thankfully she puts the gun away before she shoots my eyes out. She calls me a "good boy."
She removes the gag ball and commands that I finish my rug munching routine (copyright 1994). I do and she screams in eccstatic eccstacy!
She goes to the shower but not before telling me to finish myself off while she's gone. Which I do. Then I cry in shame.

I love her.

Mr. Winkie

It's lunchtime

2007-01-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

It's lunchtime and I'm bored. I also have been looking for an excuse to put pictures of beautiful women up on here. The only problem with that is I appear to be sexist. So I thought I'd put pictures up for both the guys and girls.
Oh, and feel free to masturbate.

Boy, what a weekend!

2007-01-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I decided to shave my 'bits'. I've done it before and I enjoyed the feeling of a newly shorn nether region. Everytime I do this though, I always end up with an ingrown hair. And if you've never had one, let me just tell you that it never ends up lookin' pretty. So I got this goin on.

And on Saturday I discovered that I had an extremely itchy toe. I took off my sock and noted the tell-tale sign of athlete's foot. Which is ironic because I'm not much of an athlete. So I picked up some Tenactin and have been using that but it takes 4 weeks to cure. So I guess my foot will remain athletic for awhile yet.

Then on Sunday morning, I awoke with the worst toothache ever. Top tooth at the back. It felt like someone were fucking my brain while wearing a barbed wire condom. The only way to alleviate the pain (dentists are closed on Sundays. Assholes), was to swish extremely cold water around my mouth which would numb the pain for all of 45 seconds. The toothache lasted from 8am Sunday morning until 6:30am Monday morning. Seeing how I couldn't sleep, I spent that 22 1/2 hours drinking extremely cold water. I peed alot and took yesterday off.

So, that's how my weekend was. Christ, I'm attractive.

Ouch,

Mr. Winkie

Apologies

2007-01-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

NOTE** Before reading today's entry you should read yesterday's entry for context.

I have to apologize for yesterday's post. I was feeling miserable and thought that if I complimented myself enough, I would feel better and not cry and bang my fist on the dashboard of my car as I sat in the parkade and occassionaly assured passersby that I was alright.

My penis is small. There you have it. I said it.
Other guys brag about their 17inch cocks but, alas, mine is only 13 inches. Sorry ladies.

My eyes are not hazel. They're pink. That picture in my profile is a lie and I'll change it soon. I'm actually half Albino and half hunchback.

I have the worst looking ass in history. Stranded Brazillian soccer players wouldn't touch it. Greek soccer players would but that's cold comfort knowing they'd touch anybody's ass. I ain't special.

I don't smell like God either. I actually smell like Dog. Stupid dyslexia and stupid me for stealing an old baroom joke punchline that wasn't that funny in the first place. DAMN!!

The conversation with the Dalai Lama did take place however. He's a good shit that Dalai Lama. Luv ya, Lama.

Someone shit on me please,

Mr. Winkie

Don't be so hard on yourself, you'll always have me to inspire you.

2007-01-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'd just like to say that I'm probably the best human being ever invented. Not only do I work hard and I'm good at what I do but I always look like a billion dollars. Especially when I light candles, turn off the flourescent lights and tilt my head slightly up and to the left. I'm not bragging when I say I gotta superhero jawline, it's just a fact.

I've also been blessed with a perfectly sized penis. I won't get into the dimmensions here but holy cow, it's freaking amazing. Not too big, not too small. It looks best when I go to the car, take off my pants and view it's reflection in the side view mirror of my Topaz. My feet are size 12 so yeah, there ya go.

Have you seen my ass? All I got to say about that is, "wowzers." I tell ya, if I'm ever in a plane with a Brazillian soccer team and we crash land in the mountains, those guys will be diggin into it faster than you can say, "Gooooooaaaaaallll!"

I'm very smart too. You can see it in my eyes which are the most gorgeous hazel you've ever seen. I'm not saying this because I think it's true, it's just what countless people have said to me so get over yourself and quit critisizing me.

My poop is perfect in aroma, texture and hew...every time! (I've shelacked a couple finer specimens so just let me know if you wanna see pictures and I'll send them to you). I credit myself for this achievement for it is I who ensures that I eat a well balanced diet every day, rich in roughage and veal.

And at the risk of tooting my own horn, I smell like God. Seriously, I should bottle my sweat because it would really do everyone alot of good and I'd probably make a few bucks too. Goodbye troubles in the middle east, Mr. Winkie's goin bowling!

I remember when a young whipper snapper by the name of Tenzin Gyatso came up to me one day and said, "I'm going to be almost as great as you one day." I ruffled his shaved little head and sent him on his way. Oh, and you may know Tenzin Gyatso by his more common name - His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet.

Love me,

Mr. Winkie

My Nerds

2007-01-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

My oldest nerd: Ace Frehley

My youngest nerd dressed as The Grim Reaper's lesser known cousin "Special" Reaper.

This is my boom stick

2007-01-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Army of Darkness with my kids right this very second. It's exactly this kind of subversive parenting that will ensure that the long honoured family tradition of Nerdness is perpetuated for at least the next generation.

Luv,

Mr. Winkie

Urban Cowboy Poetry

2007-01-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

As many of my friends know, I'm a huge fan of Cowboy poetry. I'm not such a fan of cowboy related other stuff like horse shit and hard work but I loves the poetry. In fact, I've been writing Cowboy poetry for several years now under the pseudonym - Johnny "T-bone" Guntry (the picture above is the promo shot for my latest book "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Crab Grass"). Here's my latest poem:

Sun on the prairie, spurs in my horse

I need a new way of life

I could also use some dollars of course

And I also tire of the wife

Goin to the city, I'm trottin' off now

Even if the wife says I can't

I've made corssets from my 2 favorite cows

I'll be a leather clad deviant.

Clamps on my nipples, wax on 'em too

And a 10 gallon cowboy hat

I wonder what the boys from ol' lodge #2

Will have to say about that.

They may hum and they may haw

My membership they may revoke

But I tire of this life, the land, the laws

Just gimme some...

...hookers...

...and...

coke.

Giddy up 'n' go,

Mr. Winkie

Applications for Mistress Now Being Accepted

2007-01-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

I'm currently accepting applications for a Mistress. I hesitate to treat it like a "job" as that would imply certain shortcomings on my part, but hey, I'm not ashamed of the truth.

Name: ________

Age:____

Sex: F __

Favorite phallic vegetable: _________

Dishes need washing and Mr. Winkie insists he'll do them later. You say to him,

"______________________________________________________"

Do you like sleeping? Y __ N__

Do you have a twin? Y __ N __

Check your underwear preferences:

Strictly Comfort __
Pizzazzy__
Makes You Feel Pretty__
Easy access__
Beige is best__
Horny Nazi Girl__
Adult Diaper__

Circle the most appropriate answer:

When showering, you like to:
a) Go it alone
b) conserve water and shower with a partner
c) wash your hands 300 times
d) curl up in the fetal position, cry and wonder why dad never loved you

After a gruelling 20 mins of extremely bizarre (yet mutually respectful) "lovemaking," you turn to your partner and say:

a) "Mmmmm, I love it when you get your freak on!"
b) "Never again, fucktard."
c) "We should try that again but with the widowed neighbor."
d) "You haven't seen my favorite beaded necklace, have you?"

When grocery shopping, your list consists of:
a) the necessities
b) the necessities and cool whip
c) the necessities, cool whip, and KY warming lubricant
d) the necessities, cool whip,KY warming lubricant, and wart remover

Please remember that all applications will be kept strictly confidential and while including a picture is not necessary, it certainly will probably be used for something or other.

Love always,

Mr. Winkie

'06 Music In Review

2007-01-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

Last year saw a number of big giant pop hits. Here's a sample of lyrics to some of my favorites:

Oh I Love Loving You, Love - Mariah Carey

I'm in love with you
Oh I love loving you love
You love me too
Oh I love loving you love

Listen to my words
And put the gun in your mouth
I got saccrine for you baby
Put the gun in your mouth

Paintin' my Penis - Nickelback

Do you know what I got in my pocket
Is it gum why don't you find out now
Do you know that you got the flow
It don't bother me to paint my penis

(Chorus)
Gonna paint my penis yeahhhhh
Crimson, puce, magenta, cherry blossom
Paint it now, paint it now
A lesser man would play possum

I Woke Up - Bruce Springsteen

Sleepy little head o' mine rises from the pillow
Forgotten dreams will be washed away
With a newspaper article and a cup of Joe
It's gonna be a brand new day

Throw back the covers then put 'em on again
Sometimes it's just so so so so so cold
Wander in REM for an hour or ten
Gotta take out the trash and brush my teeth

Sometimes I think that I probably should do something
Like get up and wash my car
But then again it's so so so so cold
That I probably won't today but maybe tomorrow.

When Will I Drift Away?- Nicole Ritchie

I'm so tired of this world, it's holding me down
Must learn to defy gravity
Wish the wind would pick me up
And take me away to eternity

Wish people would stop starring
I know they can see right through me
Wish the wind would pick me up
I'd flutter away like a leaf

(Chorus)
When will I drift awayyyyyyy
I guess I should just lighten up
But I want to fly away todayyyyy
But I'm so heavy from that sip of 7-up

Bye bye, and buy bonds,

Mr. Winkie

They Live Inside Of My Head, They Come To Me In My Bed

2006-12-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

I stayed up too late last night and I'm up way too early this morning. But in those 4 meager hours of sleep, I had no less than 4 dreams. I'm very foggy right now so pardon my incoherence.

For your enjoyment, here's a brief description of each (oh, and contrary to what the experts say, I do dream in color):

Dream 1 - I went to a rock concert with 15,000 others and my mentally challenged friend Hagar was the drummer. He has Down's Syndrome. The other band members had different disabilities too but the band rocked their asses off. The only problem was that they were awful! But everyone loved 'em (especially their big hit- I Love Paste) because they overcame. At the climax of the show a flash pod went off and the bassist (blind guy who looked like my brother) caught on fire and the sight of everyone trying to put it out all "keystone cops style" was hilarious!

Dream 2 - I find myself at the home of the beautiful waitress at the East Indian buffet restaurant I go to regularly and I'm in the midst of meeting her family for an arranged marriage. We break out into song and dance and I do alot of things like hide behind a book case, peak my head out, smile and do that dance move that looks like I'm serving a pizza. We never got around to consummating the marriage.

Dream 3 - Suddenly I'm afloat atop acloud and my hair is very long and my skin is Jade. I've got a tortilla shell in one hand and a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger in the other (not a figurine but the actual pink one) and I'm singing a song that I can't quite remember but I'm almost sure it was by Supertramp. I fall off the cloud and suddenly I'm in a dark room and a giant midget walks into a spotlight and starts doing stand-up comedy. Not jokes, but the Michael Richards rant where he used the N - word and got himself in trouble. Then I'm sitting on a chair-naked, and I arch my back (just like in Flashdance) and 3 tons of spaghetti falls an me. End.

Dream 4 - I'm watching my wife have sex with another man and they're very into it. Then I go back to sleep and dream again. Here it is: I'm writing the great American novel but it's in Russian, and while I'm typing, J. Edgar Hoover breaks my door down. He's wearing an Angora sweater and fishnet stockings. He's got a giant cigar dangling from the corner of his mouth and he's got a machine gun. He yells at me "Die Pinko!" and sprays the room with bullets. I get hit multiple times but each bullet hit tickles and I giggle just like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. BAM - "Hoo hooo!" Then I wake up and my wife is kissing her boyfriend goodbye.

Prolly see ya in the New Year!

Mr. Winkie

I donned my "gay" apparell.

2006-12-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

Okie dokie, it's Dec 28th and I gotta tell you, I've had the best Halloween ever! I dressed as a Ninja and went around my neighborhood causing trouble. I saw some guy dressed as a shepherd and I Ninja kicked him in the nads and his pet donkey looked on in complete and utter apathy; content in eating his grass.

Then I made my way over to the YMCA and sang "YMCA" for some down 'n' out types who seem to appreciate it. So much so, they threw me in the swimming pool then sang "In the Navy" to me. Oh, the aquatic hijinx we had!

I ate what the French call "tortier" (sp?). It's a meat pie that's guarenteed to clog the arteries of the most healthiest of Ninjas. But I survived because I'm Uber Ninja! The Nietchean wet dream folks (except for the non-aryan Japanese Ninja part).

All in all it was a fantastic Halloween.

All Feet Her Zain,

Mr. Winkie

Merry Christmas to you and other people and animals and the rain forest.

2006-12-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

I'll be back in a couple of weeks or if I get bored with "Destroy All Humans."

As you may or may not know, Christmas is here and like the good little goy-boy I am, I will be celebrating the birth of our Lord and Saviour (Jesus Christ) with a shitload of beers and a headache from all the noise I have to put up with from my inlaws and immediate family.

I'm not a mean person but when I'm with the ones I love, I tend to be a curmudgeon. I'm going to try and beat that tendancy by being a loving friend, husband, father and uncle this year and if I have the urge to go mental, I'll roll up a spliff, head outside and self medicate.

Happy birthday Jesus!

Mr. Winkie

Hmm

2006-12-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I changed over to Google and got the new blogger and when I open the comments, everyone is listed as annanymous. So my question is to the wonder-woman whose commented most, how come no one is showing up as who they are?

Oh, and I can't get to your blog now because I didn't bookmark it and I need desperately to know what's going on with your Pug.

Luv,

Take a guess...go on- guess.

Greek Alphabet Soup

2006-12-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

I could probably look around and find out what I need to get in on this beta blogger thing but that would totally go against my modus operandi of getting other people to explain to me in simple, layman's terms how to do something.

What is Beta Blogger and what does it do for me? Will it make me smell better? Will I get answers to questions that I never thought I'd get until I reached my reward in the after-life?
Will it help eliminate fat from my diet?

I thank in advance the person(s) who respond to this.

Felix Navy Dad,

Monsieur Winkie

I'm A BBW Admirer!

2006-12-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

I feel naughty because I'm posting the artwork of someone without their permission. But I don't feel too bad because at an average of 3 hits a day I get on this blog, I don't see too much potential for reprecussion.

Here's more of his/her stuff right here.

Happy Friday!

Mr. Winkie

Giving back to the community

2006-12-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I began volunteering at the local hospital. My job there is to visit each patient in the ICU and yell into their comatose ears, "DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!"

It's nice to give back.

Take care gentlepersons,

Mr. Winkie

I Want You To Haunt Me

2006-12-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

Someone who I just met brought up the subject of death recently and it got me to thinking of who I'd lke to see die and come back and haunt me. Here's a list of some of those people (but in no particular order):

Pauly Shore - I know it's a cliche to hate him but there's a reason it's a cliche. He's repulsive. Two reasons why I would want him to die and haunt me - 1) for the altruistic reason of saving the rest of humanity from any more shit from him, and 2) I'd like to find out if he has a pleasant, relatable side.

Cashier at Safeway - She always has kind things to say and frankly, she's cute. I would enjoy nothing more than waking up in the middle of the night to see her ghost sitting at the end of my bed and speaking in tongues...if you know what I mean ;)

The Wonder Twins - "Wonder Twin Powers activate! Form of...a lapdog! Shape of...world's softest pillow!" Then I would have the best sleep of my life as I snuggle both.

The entire cast of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - It's not like I don't already sing "Truly Scrumptious" to myself every night anyway. It would just be great to have those two british kids and that hot opera chick do it for real! I could also learn the dance steps to "The Ol' Bamboo."

The Kool Aid Guy - I would shout, "Hey Kool Aid!" and he would burst through my wall but wouldn't smash it because he's a ghost! All the coolness of Kool Aid without the expensive home repair! Awesome!

Jesus - Not the biblical Jesus but a nice Mexican man named Jesus (because everyone could use a cabana boy...ghost or not).

Rob Schneider (see Pauly Shore).

And there you have it.

Ich bin ein handsome,

Mr. Winkie

I Confess

2006-12-11T08:08:00.000-07:00

It was good weekend for me. I only set 4 fires. I'm getting better.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

She just needed a fix.

2006-12-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

This morning I made coffee, drank half of it then went into the shower. I got out of the shower, went to the living room and found that my dog drank the rest of my coffee.

My dog weighs 10lbs. A half a cup of coffee to her is like me drinking 8 cups of coffee. So, needless to say, she was rambunctious. I can't wait to get home tonight and clean up the after affects of injesting what I lovingly refer to as "nature's broom."

I suppose it won't be much different then when my kids were infants. This one time (not at band camp), I had my oldest son on the diaper changing table and I had his legs up but realized I didn't have a diaper in hand. So I bent down to grab one and he projectile shit on my head.

She's an odd dog. One time I bought an 1/8 ounce of weed and she ate that. The poor thing. Do you know how hard it is to hook up a PS2 and play Hitman - Blood Money when you don't have thumbs? It also must be absolute torture to want a slurpee and a gyro without even knowing what they are let alone being able to pop out of the house to grab 'em. I'm suprised she ain't insane.

Love,

Mr. Winkie

I'm a Blackman

2006-12-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

It's tough being a blackman in today's society. Our culture has been appropriated by whitey for a couple hundred years and frankly I'm sick of it.

Yeah, that's right, I'm part black, homey. I'm also part native/ chinese/ japanese/ jewish/italian/ english/ samoan/ russian/ arabic, with just a dash of Newfie thrown in there too (that's where I get my silly streak from). In fact, I've had cards made up with my complete cultural lineage (email me if you want me to send you one). My card is 2 legal sized pages long and I think I'm the first guy ever to do that! Some have called my card cumbersome but they tend to be racists.

One thing I do like about society today is that everyone is so proud of thier heritage that we're getting further and further apart! Which is great because the further I'm away from Vikings the better off I am. Fucking Vikings. They smell, you know.

Keep it real,

Mr. Winkie

Check-one-two, check.

2006-11-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know, am I back or what? I have no idea, but I will say that it's a definate maybe.

I suppose I should ask the question, "Does anyone really care? Really?"

Have a good lifespan!

Mr. Winkie

Hey Everyone!

2006-04-13T10:03:00.000-06:00

It is with some regret but far more excitement that I announce that this blogspot or blogger place or whatever, will be closed or at least, not updated anymore.

Don't Cry!

I've moved my creative energies over to Myspace.com where you'll find a collaboration between me and my very good friend and talented musician Kerry and our drummer Splatter.

We have a band that we have alot of fun with and I think I'm the default computer liason between our musical contribution and the internet. And the irony here is that I'm not an expert in either. Hell, I always thought HTML was short for Hate Mail.

But I do ask, nay, beg that you come check us out over there and hang out. I will be blogging from time to time but it'll be on there instead of here.

Our band is called The Ne'er Do Wells and you can find us at this link:

http://www.myspace.com/the_neer_do_wells

So, thanks to all of you who have been supportive of whatever the hell it is I do.

Thank you, friends! I hope to see you there!

Winston Herbert (aka Mr. Winkie)

P.S

Over there on myspace, I go by a different name. I'm known as Troy Poodle which I think is a cool rock 'n' roller name, albeit a little faggy.

Larry The Cable Guy

2006-04-11T08:26:00.000-06:00

I try to be positive about humanity but that attitude is extremely hard to maintain when you've just finished watching Hollywood's latest triumph du feces, "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector."

*Just a note here - Is Larry The Cable Guy a cable guy or a health inspector? Is it me alone that doesn't get that?

I hate it that I'm so worked up about what I consider to be the epitome of nothingness. Then again, maybe I'm jealous that he's made a fortune pretending to be dumb while I've gone broke pretending to be smart.

I use to go to his Website (which will never, ever be linked here) and before it was revamped he had a whole whack of essays where he shat(not literally) on homosexuals, Muslims, and gun control advocates, or as I like to call these groups - "Safe Targets." I went not because I liked him, but because it was so amazingly idiotic, juvenile and just poorly written that I got some perverse pleasure out of the anger I had toward him. I guess I got addicted. Well, those essays (I giggle everytime I call them "essays") are now gone from his website and I'm getting the feeling he's scaled back his hatred in the hopes of garnering a few more fans who will eventually buy "GET IT DONE, PLEASE?" mugs. Or is it "GET A GUN"? Or is it "GUT A NUN" ? I can't remember.

But by golly, his fans sure like him. I went to his new website recently and 1 guy...1 GUY! said he sucked. Boy, oh boy, if you're up for stirring the shit, go to a famous person's website, slag him/her and sit back and watch the (insert first name of famous person here) ______ Heads
go fucking ballistic!

Anyway, my point is that you just can't find decent parking downtown anymore.

Ciao.

Spreken da Bitzsch?

2006-04-10T08:41:00.000-06:00

Out- out are the lights- out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero the Conqueror Worm.

One chunk of "Conqueror Worm" by Edgar Allen Poe

So, I think the above passage really sums everything up quite nicely, don't you? It's obvious that what Poe is refering to in the Conqueror Worm (and all his work really) is that folks need to be more friendly to each other when they go shopping.

Yesterday, I went to Safeway to pick up 2 loaves of bread and from the minute I approached the automatic door to the second I walked out of the store, I was raped with grumpiness by 3 different people. Folks sure can be charming, can't they?

Scene 1 - INT./SAFEWAY/DAY

LADY 1: "Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I would find cooking utensils?"

ME: "Sorry, I don't work here but I think they're..."

LADY 1: Well, think all you like but it doesn't do me much good, does it?"

(She sticks her surgery altered nose in the air and strolls off)
-End scene

Scene 2 (20 seconds later) INT./SAFEWAY/DAY

Man with chip on shoulder reaches for toilet paper on upper shelf and slips. His bum hits the ground.
MAN: Fucking, fuck! Who mops up around here? Fuck!

ME: Are you okay?

MAN: Fuck you!

END SCENE

Scene 3 (10 seconds later)

ME checks out bread by squeezing it. Puts 2 loaves in basket. ME turns as a lady walks by. She looks at me.

LADY 2: You are an idiot for shopping here.

END SCENE

I think Safeway should maybe check their air quality or something. Maybe they have toxic air circulating and it's causing people to be assholes. Anyway, I didn't let it ruin my day. I just went home and took my frustration out on the family then I was fine.

Ciao bellas

The Ne'er Do Wells get a MySpace...space

2006-04-06T10:50:00.000-06:00

I've added a link to my newly created My Space space. I like space, so having a myspace space is something that I feel I should have.

I can't seem to upload an audio file, though. Can anyone here tell me how I do that? I promise you'll have fun educating me!

Sorry about not doing an entry yesterday but I really had some crap to do that ended up being for naught (or is it 'not')

I have a bum in my pants.

Thanks.

"When inspiration alludes you, quote someone else." - Mr. Winkie (2006)

2006-04-04T08:16:00.000-06:00

Today I'm taking the lame-ass approach to blogging. Here are some quotes by famous people that directly or indirectly reflect my views on life, carreer, marriage, writing, creativity, or pretty much anything in general.

Enjoy!

"You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one."
Einstein

"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity."
Patrick Murray

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips

"I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it."
Sarah Silverman

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Humor is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks

"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."
Oscar Wilde

"People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news."
A.J Liebling

"I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts."
Orson Welles

"There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!"
John Stewart

"One should never underestimate the stimmulation of eccentricity."
Anonymous

“I can sympathize with people's pains, but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.”
Aldous Huxley

“I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.”
Hunter S Thompson

And the final quote that sums me up in a nutshell:

"I'm a one-man idiot."
Eddie Izzard

K, bye for now!

In the year 4025

2006-04-03T08:56:00.000-06:00

I got to thinking on Friday that a guy by the name of Jesus was wondering around the middle east (and maybe France too) a couple thousand years ago, and told folks that it would be to their benefit to be nice to each other. Then, a couple hundred years later, some blokes wrote it all down the exact way it happened. Then, 2000 years later, a couple million people sign up for blog accounts and write shit exactly how it happens.

I wonder if those of us involved in the blogosphere will be looked at as chriniclers of a particular time or sumpin in the future. In case that does happen, I better do some chroniclin'. Here I go.

"And the Ball with a numerical value of 8 was held to the bosom of the Chosen One and shaken well. Crowds gathered as the Ball revealed it's secret and the people of the planet feasted on Dorritas and drank from plastic containers containing the ambrosia of Pepsye.

All rejoiced when the Ball's magical, mysterious answer to the question of the ages was revealed. It solemnly showed, "Yes."

With upliftment in the hearts of beasts and men, all began churning the butter of peace and spraying the fresh scent of Fabreeze on thier linens. A cloud of dust and those twirly leaves from the trees that children hold dear, arose to the sky above and in this cloud appeared a face so terrifying yet holy that the people cringed, vomited, then bowed to it.

"Praise you, oh dust devil!", they shouted out with glee.

It was then that the heathens from the south invaded the lands and raped it merily. They took the change from underneath cushions and programmed the image givers to show nothing but plays of reality. The southerners poisoned food and water and their overweight frames jiggled when they walked and they giggled when they talked, thinking it made the world go round, round, round.

Then, the Chosen One, Ball with the numerical value of 8 held high for all to see, came prancing in like an imp from a rainbow signed night club and muttered in a voice that should not have been heard by anyone, yet was heard by all, "Hey, get out of here unless you're in the parade!"

It was then that the waters became unpoisoned, and the food became pallatable, and the disease became curable, and the Mott became Hoopable. It was then that those of the south packed up and moved to eastern lands where they set up kiosks and sold various wares of questionable quality.

Amen

K, bye for now.

Friday's Fetish Foto Froo Froo

2006-03-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

Today we will examine the art of Fetish Photography! If I knew anything about photography, I'd certainly give you my thoughts on these pics but all I know is that what I like is what I like.
I'm including links to the sites where I lifted these pics in hopes that will negate any thoughts of copyright infringement action. I don't know the models' names but the links are the names of the photographers.

Enjoy!

Aisha Roper has a fantastic eye (probably 2 fantastic eyes) and the rest of her ain't bad either! I love this woman in a way that could very well find me with a restraining order in my mailbox.

Chantal Manard. I've used her pictures here before and now I'm finally giving credit where credit is due. Viva les Chantal Manard!

Here's one for the heterosexul, female readers and my homosexual male friends. I don't know much about the photographer other than his/her name is Carey.

Good God, this guy is excellent! Perry Gallagher is his name and please go. He has a gallery so extensive it took me 45 minutes to find this one after enjoying about 100 others.

Here's my newest friend whom I link in my links section over on the right there. His name is B. Jonathan Michaels and he lives in a wonderful city called Saskatoon that can have some of the coldest weather ever, yet he's single handedly bringing heat to the town.

Well, it seems blogger won't let you add too many pics. Pfft.

Please enjoy these ones and please, please go to the websites and check these fine artistes out. If you can afford it, please buy something from them. Art is wonderful but sorely missed when the artist dies of starvation.

K, have a good weekend and bye for now!

Red Hat Society: Harmless Fun or Evil Incarnate?

2006-03-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I did my first stand up comedy in nearly 4 months and I'd love to be self depricating and modest but I must admit that I did well. Was it the beer? Was it the decent, receptive crowd? Was it the material suggestions that my friend Cory gave me? Yes, yes, and yes.

There was a weird thing, though. There were about 6 or 7 post-menopausal (sp?) women sitting in one row, and they all had funky red hats on. Someone had mentioned that they were part of a group called "The Red Hat Society." I know nothing about it and I will Google it as soon as I'm done this entry. The reason I'm not doing the research first is because I have several theories as to what this group is about and I don't want to taint my hypothoses.

Red Hat Society
- An organized group of wives of high level businessmen who are actually the ones pulling the strings of their puppet husbands. They control content of women's magazines such as "O", Better Homes & Gardens, and Popular Mechanics.

- Women who have mastered 'dark arts' such as alchemy and astral travel. They have discovered a way to write their names in snow (while urinating) using cursive writing; a secret they refuse to divulge to lesser, non initiated women.

- A vigilante justice organization that uses shame, guilt, and purse hitting as their primary weapons against street criminals.

- Carrot Top Fan Club members

- Cyborgs with a collective concious they use to create the best...Jam...ever!

- Cult members out celebrating one last hoorah before Kool-Aid Day.

K, I'm gonna go look 'em up. Bye for now.

*Note: I just looked up Red Hat Society and I gotta tell ya, they seem like the sweetest group of ladies ever! I was way off in my theories. If there is a Red Hat Society lady that accidentally finds her way here, would you care to adopt a fastly approaching middle age, slightly overweight, married guy? I'll do chores and I will sexually please each and every one of you!

Red Hat Society's Official Website

Good things come in 3s!

2006-03-29T08:10:00.000-07:00

My kids are so awesome, it makes me tingle! I get home from work yesterday (my 38th birthday) and found out they left the house and went to the mall. I was about to give 'em shit because they're not suppose to do that, the mall is a dangerous place, but they went on to tell me that the reason they went was because they wanted to buy me a present with their own money! How do you give 'em shit for that, eh?

But guess what they bought me? They bought me Gene Simmons from Kiss! But not just one doll. Not two dolls, but three of them! I have 3 Gene Simmons dolls in different poses from different times in Kisstory.

It was so cute because I lost my hard core Kiss fanaticism years ago and I really don't think my life would be less great if I didn't have these dolls in my possession. But they've heard my stories of my air guitar concerts, my bedroom walls with nothing but Kiss posters on 'em, and my application and subsequent acceptance into the Kiss Army (I was a field medic).

So yeah, it was cute and silly and totally loveable! I can't wait 'til Christmas when I open up the econo box of tampons they get me.

K, bye for now.

38 years old and never kissed a girl

2006-03-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to me.

Things I haven't done in my life that I wish I had by now:

Getting Hilary Clinton to fullfill my bondage fantasy

Running through a field of daisies with gentle, sweet music in the background, and my arms open to embrace...Godzilla. Then we'd fight to the death.

Tango-ing with Kathy Bates (I'd like to see if I'm strong enough for "the dip")

Drinking with Frankie Venom, Joey Shithead, Mickey DeSadist, Richard Hell, Johnny Rotten (actually forget Johnny Rotten, he'd just bring us all down), Captain Sensible, The Dayglo Abortions and Tipper Gore all at the same time.

Taking a slinky to a 12-Step meeting and saying, "Allright, let's get drunk and do this!"

Learning to spell cimonim/cinnommonnn/sinomum...the spice.

Write a "chick flick" with Andrew Dice Clay as the star.

Widdle a chunk of wood on my front porch and sing spirituals

Yeah, so that's about it really. Other than that my life is complete.

K, bye for now

For those about to rock...

2006-03-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

In December '05 I commited to a 1 year hiatus from Stand-up comedy but I figued I would go back and do amateur nights every once in awhile just for the heck of it. Well, I think I'm on this week (I'm not totally sure, someone wanna lemme know?) and I tell ya, I'm nervous.

I'm not nervous to go on a stage, but I'm nervous about the new material I wrote for it. It seems to me like it's chok full of over used premises, wacky faces, and bad impressions. Okay, maybe not the wacky faces or impressions, but the premise thing has got me scared.

So this is my challenge to you, my 5 readers: post as many subjects on jokes you want in the comment column but they cannot be about anything you've ever heard a stand up comic do before. It doesn't matter if you've never seen live comedy before, I'll decide later if it won't work for me.

I know, you're thinking that I should be able to do it myself. Melba toast has never been done before so do melba toast." Well, I admit that I often get inspiration from the strangeness of others, so if you want, go for it! I'm all about taking chances, so make me take a chance!

And remember that others who leave a comment without the same knowledge as you are okay in my books and let's not turn this into a slagfest please. Everyone is welcome to post whatever subjects they want (hell, include an original joke and I'll try it out for ya- I'm not that proud!)

So let's get on with this experiment and see what happens!!

I'll post on Thursday and let ya know how it went!

Thanks,

Mr. Winkie

Feet & Food Freaky Friday Fetish Foto

2006-03-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

Anyone hungry?

Have a good weekend nutjobs!

Mr. Winkie

Doug Stanhope for President! (And Frankie Venom for Prime Minister!)

2006-03-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

I apologize to my well wishers who wished me well in my non smoking adventure. It was a failure and I feel like an absolute knob. I shouldn't beat myself up, I know, but that's what smoking does to you - it makes you feel shitty when you're not smoking and even shittier when you are smoking. Fucking stupid things.

But that doesn't mean I have given up! I'm trying a different approach. I don't want to give too much away but let's just say it involves the sacrifice of a live chicken every other day. I do promise this to you, my friends and family - I will have it beat before long. I'm gonna keep trying and maybe the time will come when the shame of failure is so great that I never want to feel it again. I wasn't even gonna mention it but I recieved two pieces of correspondi today that made me regret posting that I was gonna try and quit (you both know who you are).

But anyway, we'll give it another go next Wednesday, how's that? Why next wedenseday, you ask? That's my birthday and maybe considering it as a present to myself might work some kind of voodoo charm or something.

Head hung low,

Mr. Winkie

Doug Stanhope For President!!!

2006-03-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

Until the American elections or until I get bored of doing it, the headline for every blog entry will be "Doug Stanhope For President!" He claims to be running for president in '08 as an independent and God help ya if he wins (seriously, God will help him far more than that shit-fer-brains ya got now). And suddenly, the world will be at peace and you can guarentee that at minumum, weed will be legalized.

Go Doug, go!

And, in other news...

It maybe just for today or it may last a couple of days, but I'm gonna spend some time wallowing in self pitty, sleeping, and/or generally not being creative. As a result, this blog thing will suffer.

I mean, it's not like it's gold everytime anyway. I struck gold with 2 maybe 3 entries but the rest haven't been gold, they've been more like potassium permanganate (that's the substance they add to Armor All to give it it's distinctive scent).

I wish I could write gold everytime, then I could write for a top notch sitcom (actually, is thee such a thing anymore?). As it is right now, I'd be lucky to get a gig writing for "World's Wildest Police Chases." Here's a sample:

"Our next criminal thought that driving the wrong way down a divided highway was a good idea... until the cops spotted him, that is!
He crashes into a highway divider and his loot of stolen Speak & Spells spills on the road, spelling out disaster for innocent passersby. The cops arrest him for bad grammer and grand theft auto.
Here's one criminal who will learn how to spell 'jailhouse ass rape' before he's ellegible for parole!"

I only wish Kate & Ashley Olsen were six and making those shitty straight to video things they made when they were six. Here's a sample of something I was commissioned to do years ago but my agent forgot to forward it. It's called "K-K-K-IDS!!!"

KATE: Ar ooo a Jew, Ashwey?

ASHLEY: No way, Jose!

KATE: Ar ooo a dorkie darkie, Ashwey?

ASHLEY: No way, Jose!

KATE: Are ooo da Imperwial Wizzad, Ashwey?

ASHLEY: (gives a "2 thumbs up" sign) Oooo got it Pontiac!

(The girls break into a dance)

END

BTW, I don't agree with what I wrote - I was commissioned to do it and I'm a big whore.

So don't be suprised if I miss an entry here and there over the next week or two. I apologize in advance.

K, bye for now.

So how do you feel, asswipe?

2006-03-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

Hello mine friends,

Okay it's Monday and DAY 1 of me not smoking. The first day of not smoking is not that bad. The light headedness is not without a certain charm and it's still a novelty.

I read a blog sometime last week ( I Must Be Nuts ) by a guy who is trying to quit smoking and he seemed so sincere that I figured I'd give it another go after I had a weekend of debauchery, which consisted of attending my 2 yr. old niece's birthday, and a hockey game.

K, I'm feeling quite anxious as I write this. I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep. I need a snack.

I

am

discombobulated.

Charm has worn off.

Bye kids.

Freaky Friday...yeah whatever.

2006-03-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

You may or may not know that I have an extreme appreciation for beauty originating from India. It started years ago when I first learned my current trade of "film projectionist" at a movie house that showed Art Films during the week and Hindi films on weekends.

The actresses that filled the screen were nothing short of stunning to me and while it may not be all that "freaky" to you, it is to me. I get extremely intense feelings of lust everytime I watch a Hindi movie (and I watch alot of them as part of my job). Maybe it's that exotic, forbidden fruit thing. I say that because marrying or otherwise "carrying on" with members outside the Indian culture is extremely frowned upon (I guess it's that way in alot of cultures).

And what's kinda weird about the culture is that here are the folks that wrote the definitive book on fucking - The Kama Sutra, and their movies are very sexy but there's no nudity and it's even rare to see a kiss that goes futher than a peck on the cheek. Everything to do with sex in Hindi films is hinted at through dance and song.

But anyway, here are a few pics of some East Indian actresses. I can write their names down but I find it hard to spell English names correctly, let alone exotic Indian names.

Oh, and a side note - I believe India is the origin of the most Miss Universe winners. I think many of you will agree why.

K, Chukria (that means thank you in Hindi but I doubt the spelling is correct)

More Hindi Goddesses!

2006-03-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

K, bye for now!

Just What Everyone Wants - A Poetry Blog

2006-03-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

Earth to Thought

Earth to thought
please come in
I'd like to know
where you been
As elusive as
snow in June
Must be on the dark side
of the moon

Earth to thought
all systems failed
Protective tiles
fell off your tail
You been gone
for a millenium
"Ahh, Houston?
We have a problem."

Has Astral travel made you sick
Or have you been sucked into a black hole
Are you a victim of Newtonian physic
Oh thought I miss you soooo!

Earth to thought
say hi to Major Tom
You use to hang with me
Now you're gone

I need you but you don't seem to
need me
I guess you burnt up
on re-entry

For My Illuminati Brethren

2006-03-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

As we all know, He has come!

Those of you who know the secret to decoding what's below, I ask this of thee:

At 0300hrs on the 17th day of the 3rd month in the 2006th year of our Lord, recite this poem so that our one voice can help He who is in Darkness shine light on us all once again!

Now decode the blank space and blankness will be ours no more.

Oh! Ohhhh
I used to think maybe you loved me now baby I'm sure
And I just cant wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox , gotta hold myself down
Cos I just wait till you write me your coming around
I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!
Hey , alright now
and dont it feel good!!hey

yeh I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that its true
and I don't want to spend all my life , just in waiting for you
now I don't want u back for the weekendnot back for a day , no no no
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay
woah yeh!
I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!! Hey , alright now
and don't it feel good!!hey yeh ,oh yeh
and don't it feel good!!
walking on sunshine
walking on sunshine
I feel the love,
I feel the love,
I feel the love that's really real
I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm on sunshine baby oh
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
I'm walking on sunshine wooah
and don't it feel good!!
I'll say it again nowand don't it feel good!!

Go in peace, my children for our day is upon us!

Ich Bin Ein Uber Dork

2006-03-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

I'm at Tim Horton's (for my American cousins, it's amazingly delicious coffee served by amazingly inefficient people), and I'm standing in line behind two city workers who are wearing identical cover-alls, both with big yellow, reflective 'X's on the backs of them. Two tills open at the same time with one till in between the two X men. Standing at the till between them is a guy with some circular symbol on the back of his jacket. Behind me is a mom and a kid who appears to be about 10. So I look at the till then back at the kid. I say to the kid, "Hey buddy, it's your turn." The kid looks at me confused, and I say "for tic-tac-toe. It's your turn. You're 'o' so go."

This was my way of having fun and I thought the kid would get a giggle out of it. But the kid took me very seriously and went to the guy on the left, crouched down and made an "o" with his arms. Just after he said "Okay, it's your turn now," the guy with an "X' on his back turned and tripped over the little kid, causing him to cry.

I felt like such an idiot. The Mom shoved me aside, gathered her crying kid up, passed me with a huff and left without getting their coffee.

The whole experience made me think of when Kings would use slaves or servants to play Chess on a huge board out in the courtyard and sometimes when disputes were serious, the servants' or slave's lives were on the line.

So if you're out there, kid, I'm sorry you got hurt but guess what? I won by default!!! Loser!!

K, bye for now

P.S
This is unrelated but I just want to say that both Mac and PC computers are frigging useless. Linux people should just go to hell too, and while I'm at it, those dumb dumbs who use an abacass are retards. And microwave ovens? What are you an idiot?

Okay, now that that is done, I have to go check my 'hit counter'.

No Coffee Day

2006-03-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I decided to cut back on coffee by cutting it out completely. The following are mistakes I made that I think are the direct result of my lack of caffiene:

My youngest son said 'good morning' to me, so I disconnected the mouse from the computer and threw it outside.

I watched back to back reruns of Saved By The Bell...and enjoyed it.

When I left for work, I put the car in reverse instead of drive. It seemed like more work to correct it than driving to work backwards so I drove to work backwards.

While waiting at a red light I saw a woman yawn and thought that it was how wide she opened her mouth that made her so damned attractive.

I cried in the car for no reason and had stomach cramps at the same time. I swore I was having my period.

I got an idea for a movie script so I jotted down notes, went to the bathroom, came back and re-read my notes and realized I was writing the plot for "Zorro -The Gay Blade."

So needless to say, I'm back on the Joe.

K, bye babe.

No Entry today

2006-03-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I apologize for the lack of entry today but I got the call and I'm leaving in 1/2 hour to join my commrades in the French Foriegn Legion (the picture above is of our batallion and i'm the one with the beard). As a result, I don't have time for the fetish foto nor do I have time to create an entry. This may seem like an entry but it's not, trust me.

We're being sent to a brand spanking new country that popped up in Eastern Europe called Debbieharrystan to keep peace and help repopulate. I don't know much about the country, all our dossier says is that the new leader "Buk Ivan" wants to create a country that people can "live in peace and harmony but has an overall 'nightclub' feel to it" - whatever that means. I think we're also assisting the locals in putting disco balls on all the street lamps.

I know what you're thinking, "Monsieur Winkie, war torn countries are dangerous and we fear for your safety." It's okay, I'm scared too but I know we're gonna be allright because our commandant is none other than World Wrestling Entertainment's Batista.

If you've never seen him before, that's him to the right. He sure is a big SOB, eh? He also seems to be very popular with my commrades who don't have wives or girlfriends and like HGTV.

Okay, if all goes well, I should be back by late Sunday night and I will put up a blog entry on Monday morning. Again I apologize that there is no blog entry for today.

K, bye for now!

Nazis sure knew how to smoke.

2006-03-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

I've been smoking cigarettes for far too long and I've seen alot of different styles of smoking, but no one smoked with as much flair as Nazis. I don't admire them at all but one must admit that their smoking style fit perfectly with that evil empire thing they had going for awhile. Of course, the Nazi's were generally anti-smoking but I only see the ones in movies, so that's where my conclusions come from.

They would put the cigarette between their pinky finger and...whatever the one next to it is called and move it up to their mouth very slowly, like they didn't need it. If you smoke, I suggest you light one up now, hold it like I described and say this in a high but calm voice: "Helllooo Herr Doctor. We've been expecting you," then with your lips pursed, smile with half your mouth, slowly raise the cigarrette up and take a puff. See? You look like a Nazi!

My friend Jason was a geeky guy who had a funny way of smoking. He'd put it between his fore finger and swearing finger like the average smoker, but he'd splay the rest of his fingers as wide apart as he could. He looked like Spock at a cocktail party (the alien, not the child psychologist).
Here's my impression of Spock at a cocktail party, after he's had a few: "Illogical, shmillogical, who does an alien have to blow to get another Manhatten around this place?!"

Truman Capote demonstrates the artsy way of smoking. You must have your smoking hand touching your head as often as possible for full effect. I've used this method at a wrap party for RENT and it makes you look like a genius. Mind you, I was at a wrap party for RENT.

~~~525 thousand, six hundred minutes. That's how long this play seems to last~~~

(sorry, everytime I refer to RENT, I have to sing that)

If you're a tough guy and you want to look macho, you simply make a fist but stick the knuckle of you fore-finger out as far as possible while holding the cig in there and make quick, definitive movements. Then say, "Fuckin' idiots poured the cement of the driveway, fucked off and now it's all cracked! I paid 900 buck for this? Fuckin retards," (make sure you don't pluralize the word "buck"). And if you can get to one, try this method at a wrap party for RENT.

Don't get me wrong, smoking is bad. Right kids? Right, so don't do it and stay in school too. Oh yeah, eat your vegetables as well and respect your parents. And ahh, ummm... consume, consume, consume.

K, bye 4 now.

My Love Blog Entry

2006-03-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

At lunch time I open my blog to see if anyone's read it. Then, after the dissapointment goes away, I click on the "next blog" button up there and do some reading. I've noticed over the past couple days that a few blogs have popped up about couples in love and how much they love each other and their wedding plans and all the love they have for each other. After reading these, I realized that I only tell my wife I love her during climax and that I should say it more often. In an effort to correct that, I have created this love blog entry. You can read it if you like but you might find it boring and sappy.

For Mrs. Winkie,

Hey you! Yeah, you. Listen, we've been together for like an eternity, for fuck sakes and there's no one I'd rather spend that eternity with than you. I hope you feel the same because if you don't and you leave me I will kill our dog. The dog you pet more than me. Dead. You got that?

You stink so pretty baby, I can't get my nose away from you.

You make me smile when you smile because I'm a monkey who just immitates what he sees and I have no emotion other than what you hint at I should have. And I love you for that because I would be blank without you, baby! Blank.

Don't forget what I'll do to the dog, okay?

I like holding your hand because it feels nice and comforting, what with my chronic inner ear infection that makes me wobbly all the time. You're my rock, baby!!

I love you so much and I don't deserve you because momma said I would never deserve anything good in my life so you better not stop loving me or else I'll go crazy and be homeless and it'd be your fault.

I love you.

Do you love me? You say you do but I don't know for sure. If you did love me, you'd lift our fridge over your head and hum Ride Of The Valkyries. I'll expect that later when I get home.

I like it when you wear autumn colors. Stop wearing summers from now on because I love you so much you'd do anything for me like kill the president, right?

Your vagina is warm and it pleases me to be in it.

I love you so much, my life would be shit without you although I feel like shit most of the time but you're like if shit were to have light rays shining out of it like those pictures of clouds with God's light shining through. You know what I mean?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, you make good pasta.

I love you and I think your the most prettiest woman in the world!! But the following are changes you should make:
-You should start binding your feet like in China
-You should put rings around your neck and stretch it until you can't support your own head.
-Hockey pucks in your lower lip.
(I'll get back to you with more changes)

That's it for now but I just want to wrap it up by saying, "I love you honey bunches!"

Smooch,

Mr. Winkie

Have I scared "the man?"

2006-03-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

A strange thing happened - I can log into blogspot, I can draft and post an entry but I can no longer view my blog from work. When I try and open it, it says that I'm "not authorized to view this page." I'm not at all computer savy so I don't know if it's a temporary glitch or the I.T. guys have done some blocking magic but it does make me feel kinda like a subversive, mole or spy type guy trying to fuck with the Russians' heads back in '66. And if you've read this blog, you know that I don't really say anything with much substance to it, I just spew out retarded scenarios with the hopes of being slightly amusing. But now I'm all paranoid.

It'd be cool to be a spy, though. The best clothes, the coolest gadgets, the hottest women, the ability to drink copious amounts of gin and still keep your bow tie straight. I got all those things going for me now, sure, but to get paid for it? Frickin awesome!

They probably make decent coin, those spies. What, at least 80 grand a year with good dental coverage, eh? That's double what I make now and I don't get to travel, unless you count the odd trip to Red Deer to hang with Uncle John and Auntie Cookie.

On the flip side, it sure would be cool to be the head of a giant corporation with secret, evil plans to take over the world. We all know it'll just end in tears but the ride to doom would be wicked awesome! I could have a hobby I'm passionate about that keeps my evilness all subdued, a hobby like bee keeping and I'll fit the bees with tiny radio headsets and train them to attack the good guys on my command. "Get him, bees! Kill, kill...KILL!" But I will love the bees.

I've always wanted minions too. I got 2 kids but asking them to tidy up their school binders doesn't have the same 'umph' as getting an employee to stalk and murder an MI-6 guy because he's figured out that I want to poison the entire Pizza Hut dough stock with a mind controlling substance that I've chemically engineered myself.

Oh well, maybe I've pissed someone off or maybe it's just some computer setting thing that's gone nutso, I dunno. All I know is that you haven't heard the last from me! No,...you haven't heard the last from me! Mwaaaa haaaaa haaaa haaa!
(*gently strokes pet iguanna)

K, bye for now.

John Stewart + Oscars = Brilliance

2006-03-06T14:16:00.000-07:00

Just a quick thing that's bothering me today.

I've done 3 things in the past 2 days I wouldn't normally do: last night I watched the Oscars, today I read reviews of the Oscars and at lunch, I dined on canned dog food.

I don't know if it was bad audio from the audience or their actuall reaction but the audience didn't seem keen on John Stewart. Which spells out S-U-C-C-E-S-S to me. If any group of people needs to be brought down a notch, it's the big time movie actors. The pretention is so thick and their idea of their worth is sooo fucking irritating I could've just smashed my TV, but my wife and I had a bet involving sexual favors (I guessed 13 out of the 24 categories and won my hummer fair and square, btw) so I couldn't smash it.

Anyway, if you're a famous actor/actress and you happen to read this (haha I'm so funny), please do us all a favor and get down off your high horse and learn to take a fucking joke. You wonder why box office is low? It's because the movies you make suck, it costs way to much for an average joe to go see one, and frankly we're sick of seeing your anorexic, 'i'm so misunderstood', drug addled mug on every newspaper, television, billboard, cereal box, pez dispenser, hamburger box, or space available.

John Stewart kept it entertaining and funny and current. It ain't Louis B Mayer's Oscars anymore, so live with it.

K, bye for now.

Stonehenge - I've figured it out!

2006-03-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

I lay in bed last night in that twilight between sleep and thoughts of tax preparation, when it came to me soo very clearly. I imediately bolted up and hopped onto the computer to write my theory down and it's here for you now. I've finally understood the true purpose of Stonehenge.

Before you read on, I'd just like to say that what you are about to read will shock you. Some of you may even want to dismiss it early on but you will come to understand if you just give it some thought. If you're not ready to recieve this information right now, I beg you to go to the top of the page and click "next blog" up in the corner. For those of you ready for the light, here we go.

Stonehenge is the remnants of an ancient department store change room.

Yes I know, shocking!

Of course, I have no proof per se, but I do have a strong feeling. Just look at it! Imagine Druids in the stone stalls trying on the newest robe fashions. Imagine a busy clerk running around like a chicken with it's head cut off (and later sacrificed), putting robes back on the hangers while keeping an eye on the suspicious Druid who looks like he may bolt from Stonehenge with a new robe under his old one. Imagine a freaky Druid trying to bore a glory hole into the side wall of a stall in the hopes he may find some action. It all just makes so much sense.

Now that that mystery is solved, I'm going to set my beautiful mind on the Pyramids at Giza. Wish me luck.

K, fly your sow.

Freaky Friday's Fun Fetish Foto - Ep. II

2006-03-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's something that does not at all turn my crank in a sexual way. It certainly does on a much deeper level, though.

Grown People in Diapers

Those of you who know me personally will find it hard to remember any time where I said something to the effect of, "That is just so stupid I can't agree with it." The reason is I'm a big ass libertine and as such, I have an obligation to those with different 'bents' to say "way to go!" But even after saying that, I think I'm alloud to giggle just a bit, aren't I? I'm sure people do it to me all the time. Anyway, this particular fetish makes me giggle. I don't find it attractive, nor sexy but that's the great thing about fetishes! The more uncomfortable others are with it, the more exciting your fetish is!

Some people take their sex very seriously though and get quite upset if you make light of it or joke about it (eg. never tell a lesbian that she looks like Meatloaf with a buzz cut). So I don't know if diaper fetishists see the silliness of what they do or if men who dig chicks in leg casts (that'll be next week's fetish) realize how strange that looks to others but I hope they do. I even kinda wish there was a parade celebrating each and every weirdo thing out there. Or, better yet, have one big one with all fetishes represented. The diaper people and the S&M folks marching arm in arm, the midgetporn fans and the footsuckers embracing on the streets, and the scat lovers hurling their desires at everyone else. It'd be freak-a-riffic!

I don't know what I'm getting at here but if you live in a community and see a feller in a dog collar being dragged around by his dominant partner, don't judge. Just walk over to him, pat him on the head and say, "good boy." Then, as you walk away, you can giggle your ass off because that's totally fucked!

I heart you,

Mr. Winkie

American Idol is bigger than Jesus.

2006-03-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

I can't remember what night it was but on American Idol last week, Paula Abdul said, "this is the best show ever, the best show in the world! It really delves into the human spirit."
If I didn't want to have sex with her so bad, I'd hunt that woman down and stimulate her clitoris until she died! If American Idol does anything, it strips the contestants of any sort of humanity they may have had to begin with. Her saying that is like saying, "Politics brings out the best in overly ambitious people."

She was so sincere too, that's what killed me. At least Simon makes no qualms about him being entertainment's version of Dickens' Fagin. He's out to create pick-pockets. El Divo (Simon Cowell's creation and in no way are they related to 80's new wave Gods DEVO) are 4 handsome Opera singers (Devo were 5 geeky college students). I don't know shit about opera but my guess is they're relatively stinky. Better than me sure, but better than that big fat Italian guy? Prolly not.

*Note- if you know anything about opera, please let me know if these guys suck or if they're actually any good. That is a bit of research I don't think I can do on my own without puting a gun in my mouth. Thanks.

Popular music has long been filled with flash-in-the-pan, marketed for public consumption, lame asses. Once in awhile a good one manages to rise to the top. Ricky Nelson was a teen T.V sensation on Ozzie & Harriet and managed to get a record deal because he looked so good to chicks. But he also wrote some fantastic rock 'n roll songs with emotion and catchy hooks. Whadda we got these days? "Don't you wish you're girlfriend was a freak like me?" My God, I'd rather be ass raped by pro wrestler "The Big Show" than hear that again, but I better lube up 'cause there's no stopping shit.

Anyway, the kids like it and as I've mentioned before, kids like shit and there's nothing we can do about that. It's just too bad that parents end up paying the money for it.

And to move this in a different direction, am I becoming one of those opinionated blog geeks? I wanted to stay away from that but I'm allowed a slip up every now and then, eh? Sure.

K, buy 4 cow

Mr. Winkie - Male Prostitute

2006-03-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

I saw a study somewhere that said people change careers every 10 years nowadays. If that is the case, then I'm 3 years away from a major career change. I decided today that in 3 years I'm gonna become a male prostitute, specializing in middle aged to youngish, senior citizen women.

I know, the vast majority of male prostitutes tend to be younger guys with no body fat who suck cock for crack, but that's why my plan is perfect. It's a niche market, man! I can get some nice suits and be like Richard Gere in American Gigilo (because, as we all know, Hollywood always portrays prostitution with severe realism) and I'll charm the ladies!

Don't worry sweety, we'll stay married as long as you can handle my career choice. Sure, it'll be tough and you may get jealous from time to time but we'll learn to live with it. Just think of all the experience I'll gain and how that will better our love making time!

I'll take the ladies to bingo and hold their bingo dabbers all suggestively and let them kiss the tip of their dabber and I'll smile and wink at them and they'll just know that later they'll get their aged rocks off. I'll even go with them to the theraputic whirl pool in their senior complex and give all the other older folks something to be gossipy about as they play crib the next day in the common area. And who knows, that may be a good way to network.

The lonely, middle aged ones are the money ticket, though. And if movies have taught us anything, it's that they'll be the best looking ones too. Everywhere I look there'll be Anne Bancroft look-alikes waiting to seduce me. Bring it on Mrs Robinson, bring it on.

Of course, I'll practice safe hooking. You know, call my wife when I'm on a date so she knows where I'll be if a trick turns bad. You never know, I might suddenly find myself on the bad ass end of a flying purse because my "date" is a psycho who missed her meds that morning.

I'll even be that male hooker that goes the extra mile and cuddles with my date for awhile after the deed is done. A "male hooker with a heart of gold," if you will. I'll hold her as we watch Emiril, and she'll giggle like a school girl when I echo Emril and whisper playfully in her ear, "bam."

Yeah, so I think that's gonna be my next job.

K, buy me now.

Hey, Yo My Names is Cyrus Janzel

2006-02-28T08:28:00.000-07:00

Yo, yo - I'm taking over for Mr. Winkie in this Bloggizzle for today. My name is Cyrus Janzel (in da pic to your left, I'm the one with the board) and I'm a singer/songwriter/dancer/choreographer for popular Florida based boy band "Shasta Ferrari." Mr. Winkie needed a break from penning and I needed a break from all the girls (whaddup ladies?!!) so I am here to werk-it-out wit ya!

Yeah, yeah, check it out. I gotsta tell ya'll i been B-I-Z-Z-Y! Bizzzzzayyyyy on da frizzzayyy. Last month, the other boys in my group and myself got back from a tour of the Mid Western U.S (what up Corncobs?!!!), and it was smack all da way! I bedded some poon and all but I really think I fell in love with a special girl. Sorry ladies but the Cyrus just won't jyrus wit ya anymore. Okay, I will but only until I find her phone number and/or remember her name.

Our new CD (Girl You Make Me Spit Out O' My Privates) is selling like hot cakes and our first single (I Need You Girl So Why You Kneed Me?) is banging up da radios all across the continent! Yeah, yeah. But we never get played on University stations, it's all that Emo crap and I don know nuffin bout Emo. Wasn't there a doll called Tickle Me Emo and da furry would all dance n whatnot when you touched him in the hole or sumpin? Ha ha ha, juice kiddin, kiddies! I tell ya homeeez, i was worried after our second album only sold 25 million copies. I thought for awhile I would have to go back to school and take medicine or sum shit (after I got my GED, of course). Stay in school kids! But thankfully we've sold 60 million on our new one and maybe we'll reach our debut album's sales of 435 million copies (I think that's like double platinum or sumpin).

It's nice to be home and do sum chillin. The hood is a bit changed though, but my Mom and my church are here still and that's all I need (Whaddup Mom & Jesus??!!!). I miss the church 'cause dat's where my voice developed. It developed through God and I thank him every day for my gift. And there's a ton of hotties in pews!!! (Whaddup Hotties In The Pews and Mom and Jesus!!!).

So we're back on tour next week. Me and the crue (Anton Jazz, Opal Diamomd, Hep C and P-KING DUCK) are just rehearsing some new choreography I come up with on the bus. It's gonna show up on our next video for our second single that I wrote about a very personal subject. The tune is called "Why You Touch Me Uncle Joe?" But ya gotta confront the bad feelings in your life and keep it real, dawg. Yeah.

So I will definately see you fine ladies on the road and remember - KEEP YOUR DREAMS ALIVE BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE DREAMS YOU"LL HAVE A BAD SLEEP AND FEEL BAD N STUFF.

K, Get chillin!

Uber Long Monday Entry

2006-02-27T10:24:00.000-07:00

Each month of the year has about 4,628 different themes to it as decreed by somebody somewhere. For instance, February is Heart Month. I'm always happy when I make it through February without having a heart attack because it seems irony always plays a large role in death.
February is also African American History Month. It would be extra ironic if I had a heart attack and while I was in hospital, I was diagnosed as the first white guy to ever have sickle cell anemia.

I'll highlight a just a few observances for each month but not all. Oh, and these appear to be American. I don't know for sure, but I imagine there's similar stuff up here in Canada. I found the PDF file that has this info here.

January is (among many others):
National Tea Month, National Oatmeal Month, and National Soup Month. It is also Clean up your Computer Month (what the fuck are you doing with your computer if it takes a month to clean?), Love Yourself Month (oh, I see now why it would take a month to clean your computer), Bald Eagle Watch Month, It's O.K To Be Different Month (the rest of the year you're screwed Micheal Jackson!), and Poverty In America Month (The rest of the year you're screwed Willie Nelson!).

February
National Cherry Month (watch out virgins), Snack Food Month (wouldn't you love to be a lobbyist for these guys?), National Dental Health Month (oooh, there's gonna be a fight with the snack food guys!), International Embroidery Month (can you imagine the hookers and coke at that convention?).

March
National Peanut Month, National Umbrella Month, Mental Retardation Awareness Month (coincidentally, this is the same month our family has a reunion), National Optimism Month (I'm sure that will never last), National Youth Art Month (the display space for these art pieces is the world's biggest fridge).

April
National Stress Awareness Month(isn't this the month we do our taxes as well?), Soft Pretzel Month (they should really get with the folks who started National Impotence Awareness Month), National Humor Month (I believe Tony Danza is the poster guy for this one), and of course, National Straw Hat Month.

May
National Allergy & Asthma Month, National Salsa Month (why is there no stat holiday for this?), Correct Posture Month, National Messes Month (c'mon honey, it's the only time of year I can jizz on the carpet without guilt), Touring Theatre Month ( That Fred Phelps guy is busy wizzy this time of year).

June
National Accordian Awareness Month (If you've heard the sound of an accordian, your'e fucking aware of them), Kids Month (I guess Christmas just ain't enough), National Turkey Lover's Month (Cmon people, shine on your turkey everybody get together, learn to gobble gobble gobble right now), International People Skills Month, National Ragweed Month.

July
Dog House Repairs Month, Blueberry Month, National Anti-Boredom Month (weird considering July is the most boring month of observances)

August
Back To School Month (I bet kids are happy as shit about this one), Admit You're Happy Month (if you don't, cops show up at your house and jail you), National Beauty Pageant Month, National Clown Month (John Wayne Gacy killed more young boys in this month than any other).

September
National Chicken Month, National Baby Safety Month (because, we all need to be reminded not to put them in blenders that are plugged in), Hug A Texas Chef Month (I smell the premise for the sequel to Broke Back Mountain), Update Your Resume Month ("It says here under computer skills that "you can kick your dad's ass in Pong,").

October
National Vegetarian Month, Go Wild Eat Ham Month (seriously!), Stamp Collecting Month, National Roller Skating Month (obviously this list hasn't been updated since 1985), Right Brainer's Rule! Month (cant the right and left ever see eye to eye? This bipartisanship has got to go), Auto Battery Safety Month.

November
National Alzheimer's Month, National Family Stories Month (I put the previous two side by side because I have an evil streak tee hee), National American Indian Month (I suppose the 6 of them the Puritans didn't kill get together in Vegas), National Alcohol Education Month ("Okay class, just remember that when slurping Jaggermeister out of a shooter girl's belly button, be sure to not bite. Here endeth the lesson).

December
National Bingo Month, Universal Human Rights Month (I hear that the humans in other parts of the universe are treated very poorly), International Calendar Awareness Month (I popped a blood vessel in my head thinking about that one), and Read A New Book Month.

There's tons more for each month so if you think you've been missed, then please go to the website above and look for your fetish and it'll tell ya when its celebrated.

K, bye for now.

Freaky Friday's Fetish Fun Foto #1

2006-02-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

Before we begin today's entry, I have an announcement to make: The Friday Foot Pic is no more...well sort of. I'm changing it from "The Friday Fun Foot Foto For Fellow Fans Of Feet" to Freaky Friday's Fetish Fun Foto."

The reasons are that the foot thing is just too limiting, and this title is much easier to remember. Also, I think (in general) fetishism is brilliantly entertaining and sometimes sexy too.

Actually, this would be a good opportunity to apologize to my female readers. I can't help that I like what I like and I can't help dwelling on it. I'm not at all a sexist pig, I'm just a guy who is fascinated by what strange things do to me - physiologically speaking. But don't worry ladies, we'll have stuff for you too, maybe. But ask nice, okay?

So I guess this is installment 1 of our new weekly feature.

Sex & Religious Imagery

I don't know what it is about sex and religious imagery that makes me all excited but gosh dernit, I'm all for it. Maybe it was my Catholic upbringing and what, as a youngster, I perceived as it's inherent hyprocrisy (I felt that way although I couldn't have verbalized it as eloquently as I can today because I had late on-set geniusitis), or maybe its just because I'm a freak-a-zoid.

Here's a simple picture I found on the internet at chantalmenard.com. (If you go there and check out other galleries be sure to exercise caution. There's some stuff on there involving piercings and suspending yourself from a ceiling using those piercings)

I can't help but marvel at the beauty this woman has and the fact that I see a nipple. The pic is so pretty, so dark, so innocent and so sinister all at the same time, how can you not want to take her confession?

So, honey, when I say that I want to have sex with you while you're wearing a nun's habit, I don't mean that I want you to become a nun then have sex with you, because that would just be totally wrong! It's all about the imagery. And that imagery was created by people, not the good Lord himself. At least, I hope so.

K, have a good weekend.

All I want is baby boomers to get their head out of their asses.

2006-02-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Good day all.

I have a boss at work who can't google and that makes me giggle. Yesterday she was feeling very down and depressed that she could not find a particular book in any local bookstore. I asked what book it was and she says, "Aesop's Fables." I thought that was a drag because not too long ago, I needed to find Old Yeller and had alot of difficulty. It turns out she didn't want it as a gift for someone or for her to have a copy at home, she just wanted to read a couple fables and write her own type of fable for some big boss event or something. Oh, the corporate world is so very lame!

So I said, "Hey, have you tried the internet?" She looked at me like I had found her stranded in the desert and I was carrying 30 Big Gulps. What year is this? It took me all of 2 minutes to find Aesop's Fables in their entirety. It would've taken me 1 minute but I had to spend one minute shaking my head and contemplating her stupidity.

I ended up spending the rest of my day trying to figure out how someone could be that dense and it hit me. She's one of those weird baby boomers that has had everything done for her. Her education (she has 3 degrees, one of which is journalism!) totally paid for, her husband makes somewhere around 250 gees a year, and her employees find Aesop's Fables on the internet for her. She is so out of touch with reality.

I like to make things up on this blog but I promise you, these are true quotes from her. I promise!!! Seriously!

"Being in a wheelchair ain't all bad, the spot you get at the movie theatre has so much leg room!"

"I hate Hawaii. There's too many tourists. I should know, I've been there 7 times." (yeah, cry me a river).

"My husband is going to kill me, I bought a baby grand piano at lunch."

"The Vagina Monologues was very funny but they could have had a man's point of view for balance."

"My son was suspended from school for breaking into the artroom and destroying other students' stuff. His teachers are out to get him, I swear."

This one is my favorite:

"In my day we all just wanted peace, love and understanding and we had that for awhile. Then the next generation comes along and with them it's all about violence. I don't understand how kids could end up so selfish when their parents practiced peace. It's obviously video games and rap music."

I'm sure it's not all boomers but it seems to me that a large chunk of them will blame society's ills on anything but how they raised their own children. Sorry boomers, I hate to be mean but it's true. Now please go back to spending my retirement funds.

Introducing The Ne'er Do Wells

2006-02-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

The Ne'er Do Wells

I'm quite pumped about something a friend and I have been working on for awhile now. A guy named Kerry (the most talented bastard I know), myself and Paul M(the second most talented guy I know) started a band a year or so ago. Paul has since moved to Toronto to get plastic surgery, but Kerry and I are back at it and we're recording a CD.

Here's what's going to happen to us:

We finish the cd and put a couple of tracks up on a MySpace account. 2 or 3 kids get ahold of the songs and start telling their friends. Soon, millions of kids are downloading it for free. Then Alan Parsons hears about us and invites us to record it properly in an abandoned church in Fiji. Kerry gets involved with a Fijiian model and I take to the bottle out of jeleousy. We break up the band but the cd is released and it sells a billion copies. Travis Tritt and Green Day fight over which one gets to open for us even though we're broke up. 20 years later we reunite at a festival in Fiji. We make ammends and write 3 shitty tunes and re-release our original album with those as bonus tracks. Then Kerry runs for the Green Party and I start a cult.

K, http//www.byfornow.net

Yeah, I've worked

2006-02-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

I've had some jobs before.

My first job was washing dishes at a greasy spoon type diner. I found dentures under a napkin once and immediately ran out to find the person who lost 'em. No one that came to that diner had teeth so it coulda been anyone but there was an old man looking quite distressed just outside. I go out and say in my best 1940-50ish movie kid voice, "Gee Mister, are ya looking for these?" I held out my hand and showed him the dentures. He started to cry. Then he hit them out of my hand and walked away. It took every ounce of restraint I had to not shove 'em up his ass. I should've done that, though. "Hey Mr. Higgins, nice smile you got there!"

I drove a taxi cab for 2 years. I picked up this lady and she says, "Take me to the red cross, I'd like to donate blood." What I meant to say was, "Oh, that time again?" and leave it at that. But what came out was, "Oh, is it that time of month again?" After an umcomfortable silence, I burst out laughing and she did too, thank god. Then she said that it was, indeed, that time of month for her. "Excellent," I said, " when we have sex in the back seat, you won't get pregnant!"She didn't laugh that time nor did she pay me.

I sold stuffed Teddy Bears at a stuffed Teddy Bear place. Now, I can put on the charm when I need to, but it gets tough to fake a smile everyday for 8 hours a day even when you're puting together a gift basket for someone with Lupus. But a Teddy Bear is something nice to give to someone who already has everything.

My worst job was dipping broom handles in a bucket of paint. I did that for 2 months fresh out of high school. I was also only one of two guys who spoke English and the other guy was a severe pot head who loved asking the big questions like "how could 7-11 charge so little for such great hamburgers." The rest of the employees were Philipino immigrants who I'm pretty sure were as legal as Absynthe is in Utah.

My current job is the best. I get to watch movies. I watch roughly 2 a day at work but I've developed very snobbish attitudes toward films. For one, I call them 'films' instead of 'movies.' And if a film has David Arquette associated with it in anyway, I immediately feel angry and I throw things.

k, bo fo no

No foot foto, freaks

2006-02-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, I almost forgot to put a blog entry up today! (thanks cory)

K, no foot foto today. I had to clean out my work computer because "the man" has been hinting at checking out our work pc's so my pictures folder is almost empty, except for a picture of the teletubbies for some reason. Seriously, I found a picture I had of the Telletubbies on my computer. I can't think of why I saved it. Maybe I needed to do something for a kid's birthday or I was gonna phot-shop their image onto Mt. Rushmore to see if it would look cool. I dunno.

I do this blog thing strictly at work, every morning, for a couple of reasons. One reason is because I just like to have some time to kinda be a little creative. I don't wanna sound art faggy or pretentious, but I seriously do everything creative for my own personal amusement. I've been involved in sharing my "art" (fuck, I hate that term) with folks and while I've always had decent responses to it, I've never really overly enjoyed the experience.

Another reason is to get those thoughts of working for the gov't out of my head. It really does suck having to do the shit the gov't asks you to do. Yeah, yeah, I get paid very well to do it, I sometimes enjoy it but it is in no way, shape or form my life's meaning. Working is something I do to pay for pizza every now and then.

Not a big entry today nor is it particularly funny but at least it's something. I gotta head back and do some shit and stuff. I love you people. Don't ever forget that!!!

K, bye bye and buy bonds.

Where oh where have my testicles gone?

2006-02-16T06:11:00.000-07:00

Feb. 16/06 - The temperature outside is -40 C with the windchill (for my American friends that's -178 F. Just kiddin. To be serious, -42 C and -42 F are the same temp. so that gives you an idea of what its like here). I stepped outside to have a smoke and a coffee and was greeted by Old Man Winter who seemed to have taken a vacation this year but showed up on my doorstep and made my testicles dissapear when I went outside. He's a regular magician.

"The Amazing Old Man Winternio! Watch this prestidigitator make testicles dissapear and elongate nipples!"

Still no snow, though. Alberta without snow is like a bear without fur - it's ugly, unrecognizeable, and you can't ski down it. White Christmas? My ass. No, really... it looks like my ass outside. Speaking of which, I need a bleaching.

I hear businesses related to snow are having a tough time this year but hookers have seen record profits. In "Ho Today" magazine, the editor Gwen L Yufukmee, reported that "girls aren't afraid to freeze so they're out there. And as we say in the business, 'The more you go down, the more your profits go up."

Alot of people seem worried about the state of the planet and global warming. Crazy but loveable Canadian environmentalist David Suzuki has moved to Thule Greenland because he thinks the Ozone Layer is in better shape there and he can continue to catch healthy, non-toxic fish with his bare hands. Actually, David Suzuki looks exactly like a bear with no fur. He is one!
You heard it here first, folks.

K, buy fur now

I could probably learn Mandarin easier than "Teen Girl Speak"

2006-02-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

My wife found a note in my almost 13 year old son's pants while dilligently doing laundry as I lay on the couch watching Mythbusters. The gist of the note SEEMS (i emphasized for a reason) to be that my son made this poor girl feel like shit by being an asshole.

But I know my kid and he's never been an asshole. On the other hand, people change when they get into relationships. But on the other, other hand, grade 7 girls are as rational as Sybil on a bad day. On the other, other, other hand, my son is my son and I've been an asshole before so he must be capable of it too.

But getting back to the incoherence of the letter, here's a sample of what was written,

(*Note - the apostrophes around the o's signify the devil horns she included)

"Wen u went w me -----> :) t'o' the sh'o'w eye was :)!!!!!!!!! Now ur all fucked up??? WH'o'aaa, it wazza Kevin wh'o' left L'o'ri all by her____!! t'o' git da c'o'rns. Why did hed'o' wa he d'o'??? And then *BANG* ur like 'shuddup!' :( H'o'w d'o' u think I'm p'o'se to feel like? :(:(:(:( Answer me if u want but u pr'o'lly w'o'nt but u shud. Bi Bi."

I asked my wife who Bi Bi was but my she got it right away. She says "That it means Bye Bye, not bee bee." I really thought it was pronounced bee bee. Hmmm, only girls can understand girls.

My son only wrote one thing on that entire page and I gotta give him credit because this is what he wrote back:

"Wow, it sounds like your pissed."

What a good kid! No bizarre wording and his sentence made sense. Then she responded with more of the other stuff but I got a headache. I was just so happy I understood what he wrote and it was legible! But how do I tell him that he'll experience that exact argument throughout his entire life?

So I think he was being a jerk to this girl but she could very well be that crazy grade 7 chick who threatens suicide everytime her boyfriend breaks up with her but then another guy comes along and she forgets to kill herself and is "sooooo in love!" all of a sudden.

It's tough being a teenager. It's must be tougher being an English teacher.

Lick my balls, Hallmark!

2006-02-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

We're kinda broke around our household and I can't afford alot, so my Valentine's gift to my wife will be me telling her how much I love her here on my blog. She should know I love her alot but just to cover my ass, I want to say that I love you sweetie and Hallmark Cards can lick my balls.

There's only one woman I've ever truly loved and that's my wife Kathleen (sorry Mom but you weaned me off the breast too early - according to Dr. Ettinger). Kathleen is the Bee's Knees, the Cat's Pyjamas, the Show and Tell, the Albino's Wine, the Chicken's Spit, the Bridge Over the River Kwai, and also the best lay I've ever had (honest honey, you are!). One time, our sex was soo good that when I tried to stand up afterward, my knees gave out and I fell right into the lifeguard on duty at the pool. (Wacka wacka wacka)

Holding her hand as we walk down the street on a Sunday afternoon is probably the greatest feeling for me. It's like I'm saying, "Hey losers, look at me! I got the hottest chick in the world and she's touching my hand! What do you say to that, freak-faces?" Then I spit at the people as they pass because they suck and I have a woman that makes me a better person.

We have two beautiful children together. They're both boys. They laugh when I make fart noises with my armpit. So does Kathleen. It's when I make the fart noises out of the spot where genuine fart noises eminate that she gets pissed off but that's understandable. I mean, I'm trying hard not to grab her hair and pull her face to my buttocks region, but it's hard not to when you're me and trust me, I'm me. How come Hallmark doesn't have Dutch Oven Valentine's card? I know why they don't, it's because they're too busy lickin my balls.

My wife sings nicely but she doesn't think she can sing at all. She should be on American Idol. Then when she gets to the audition, she can lez out with Paula Abdul and we'll have it on tape and replay it. Or she can make out with that large African American feller, whats-his-face, and I won't ever replay it until he's brought up on sexual assault charges and we can sue and I can buy her a proper Valentine's present. She won't "git wit" Simon though because we've talked it over and I won't stand for it! He's a limey, you know.

So lick my balls, Hallmark! I won't be buying any of your cards this year because I believe I've just said everything I've wanted to say to the most precious woman on the planet, here in my blog today. And it didn't cost me a friggin' dime!

In conclusion, I just want to say with sincere love (geez, I'm getting teary eyed now), I love you Kathleen and lick my balls Hallmark.

K, lick my balls Hallmark. Just lick 'em. Num num.

Phonin' it in!

2006-02-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a bit of a going away party for a gentleman I mentioned in an earlier entry, Paul Myerhaug. We had a fantastic time because we partied like it was '99!

Not 1999 but 1799.

We all donned our best powdered wigs, corsets, fop gear and went out and pretended we were extremely debauched, 18th century French Aristocrats.

The first place we hit was an English style pub with a piano player who had a drum machine. He played excellent songs like Mony Mony and everyone yelled out "Hey mother fucker, get laid, get fucked!" Boy, I never get sick of that nor do I ever get sick of the drunk sitting by himself who will stagger into you and tell ya how today's generation is responsible for everything from rampent crime to sickle cell anemia.

After that, we headed to a strip bar. The lady who had her legs wrapped around a pole noticed us dandies and when her "set" was finished, she invited us up to her hotel room. We all thought we had reached heaven but it turns out she just wanted to tell us about an exciting new income opportunity. I'm sure it was viable but I didn't hear a word as I was concentrating on her stunning labia.

Then we did some other stuff that I don't want to get into but let's just say Meyerhaug looks fantastic in a studded codpiece.

K, I'm gonna try and catch some sleep and think of a better blog entry idea for tomorrow.

Bouy fernow.

Al Franken is a liar! Ann Coulter is right!

2006-02-10T15:53:00.000-07:00

That blog title up there was a test or "bait" if you will, to see if I could lure Al Franken to this page.

In one of the funniest books ever written "Lies and The Lying Liars Who Tell Them," he mentions blogs so I thought he may periodically Google his name and eventually find his way here. If you did get here Al, could you leave me Parker Posey's home number if you know her? I think she's cute.

If Ann got here, could you fuck off and die?

Thanks to both of you for hearing me out.

Friday's Fun Fotograph For Fellow Fans of Feet Vol. 5

2006-02-10T08:07:00.000-07:00

Hi all. I have a cold today and I feel like crap so deal with it. Here's some foot-related fotos.

Rock shaped like boot

Bigfoot

Italy

Crow's Feet.

This is a record! This entry took me 10 minutes to create!

K, bye for now and wish me well.

Happy Impending Love Day!

2006-02-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hey, would ya look at that? Next week is another holiday that pressures me into being pressured into buying something with meaning when really all I can do is take a guess and hope that a potential blow-job doesn't turn into absolute dissapointment.

I've been pretty good over the years, though. I usually manage (at the last minute) to find something that seems to work. Right honey? Sure.

But I'm not perfect and I admit that I have made some bad purchasing decisions during holidays. Here's a few I'll cop to in the hopes that I'll save some poor wretch from fuckin' up like me.

Rented a motel room for romance
If you read that quickly and thought nothing of it, let me highlight the bad word - "motel". Yeah, not a hotel. Not even a motel with a name. It was just called "Motel". Actually, with the neon letters that were burnt out it was called 'Mo_ e_ '. And having a drink in the bar called "Tavern" next door to it was a mistake as well (and in no way does my wife look like a truck stop prostitute. But you try and tell the roughnecks trying to buy her -and I quote- "a fag drink" that she's not, and boy oh boy your in for some trouble). Oh well, live and learn, eh? In my defence though, it was in the nicer section of the industrial district.

Spa Package
That sure sounds nice - my beautiful wife getting pampered and all that. Very nice indeed. But guess what? Purchasing that certificate which plainly reads "no refunds" taught me that a "bath house" is most often frequented by men who wear risque biker outfits, outfits regular bikers wouldn't dare wear. Rarely will you see a Hell's Angel wearing chaps without pants underneath. The gentleman at the front desk was very friendly to me though, and their rainbow logo was nicely designed.

Exotic Fruit Basket
No, I'm not talking about the bath house again. I mean an actual basket of actual fruit. All I'm gonna say about this is that you should really check for dead AND alive turantulas before you wrap it up. On a side note, Chamomile Tea does not soothe the nerves as well as they claim, especially when it turns out she's allergic to it. But fennel is a great detoxifier.

Collection of Love Poems by Emily Dickinson
Emily Dickinson spent alot of her writing time figuring out how to make men unable to live up to the romantic ideal she had.

And why can't these poets just come out and say what they mean?

WILD nights! Wild nights!
Were I with thee,
Wild nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile the winds
To a heart in port,—
Done with the compass,
Done with the chart.

Rowing in Eden!
Ah! the sea!
Might I but moor
To-night in thee! - Emily Dickinson

It seems to me she either wants her man to make her cum like a porn star ("wild nights should be our luxury"), or she wants to strap one on and do him in the butt (Might I but moor tonight in thee"). I'm not sure. All I know is that I wasn't capable of doing either.

So there ya go. Just promise me son not to do the things I've done. Just walk away from trouble if you can by buying her some smelly, foamy bath shit. Lavender is always a nice smell.

Khai, buy fer nouw.

2 legs good, 4 legs bad.

2006-02-08T08:46:00.000-07:00

The title of today's blog entry comes from either George Orwell's "Animal Farm" or David Lee Roth's "Just Like Paradise," I can never remember. But I think its appropriate because I realized today that I'm a follower and not a leader. I mean, I knew it all along, but I think today I can just come out and admit it to you, my mother - the only reader of this blog - that I'm as original as Sinbad (the comedian, not the male stripper).

I dunno.

As you may or may not know, I started this blog about a month ago but I really did not know how many of these things are out there. I thought, 'Hey, I'll blog along with the 150 or so other bloggers out there and it'll be fun.' I've discovered that 150 is a number soo comparitively small, that microeconomists would compare my figure with the actual number and laugh themselves into a career in automotive repair. I mean, if just blogs dedicated to crappy poetry and superficial comments on American politics were trees,
the number would be a billion times 3
and the gov't would fall to it's knees,
you see?

My point is that there are a whole whack of people who have a blog. And it raises some very important questions for a guy who wants to stand out, questions like, "How do I stand out?"

I suppose I could dedicate this space to something I'm passionate about, but a blog about handicapped midget scat sex already exists (no link here, just google it ya lazy ass).

I thought my Friday Foot picture would be amusing but it seems some dick-wad in Kentucky has been doing that for a couple years now and he gets 10 times the amount of comments on his blog.

I dunno.

Am I having a crisis here? Is this the point of my life where I question my existence in this Bloggiverse? Do I take the easy way out and commit Bloggicide or do I soldier on like a soldier who's been decieved by his leaders? Do I pick up a book by Noam Blogsky in an effort to find the grotesque underbelly of Blog, thereby thinking I can change the bloggiverse from within?

I dunno.

K, bye for now I guess.

1000 minus 700 hits on my blog page!

2006-02-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

I just took a look at the number of hits my blog has received and it has 1000 hits! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all but mostly myself for refreshing the page alot.

Ohhh, the memories! It seems like only a month ago I started this thing and I can't believe how successful it's become. Wow!

Here's the math: I have 29 entries.
1000 hits
700 of them mine
so
300 hits/29 entries (I'll make it 30 for easier math)
equals
10 views/entry

ergo

I have 10 friends!!!!! Wow, that's like 20 more friends than I had in high school!!!

Thanks 10 friends! I love you soo much!

It ain't Haiku but it'll still melt your brain!

2006-02-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

If you ever find yourself in a government job and are saddened by the realization that your soul is being slowly destroyed with every passing second, do what I do - take a popular song and go to babelfish.com and type in (line by line) the lyrics of the song and translate it from English to Japanese then back into English from the Japanese!

I did 2 songs. See if you can guess which songs they are!

Anyone is there?

We do not need education
We do not need thought control
There is no sarcasm where the classroom is dark
The teacher shoots the child to those
Just a little! The Teacher shoots the child to those!
Another brick of all walls of all fairness
Another brick of all walls of all fairness
(repeat this once more)

(**Here's where the teacher speaks**)
You were wrong, do for the second time that!
If "your meat is not eaten, it cannot eat the pudding
Your meat? If "you do not eat, how it can eat the pudding?
As for rear of the shed of the motorcycle it is,
Raises the quiet young person!

Here's another one:

Rudolph riendeer of red nose
It had the nose which has gloss very
When and you look at that
It means that that shines

Everything of other riendeer
Name amuse him, the use which is called
Never bad Rudolph does not try those that
does not connect with the game of all reindeer

Then one fog deep Christmas Eve
Santa saying it came
Rudolph of the bright your nose
so tonight my sleigh which is led?

Then riendeer everything loved him
As them joy shouted,
It goes with reindeer history
of the Rudolph red nose!

K, bye for now!!

*Answers: 1st song - Another Brick in the Wall Part 6: The Revenge
2nd song: Seasons in the Sun

I Have So Much More Than Love Inside Me

2006-02-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

I realized today that I've been neglecting to update everyone on my pregnancy. So today's entry is all about that and frankly, much more.

I should begin by saying that my belly is growing fast and so far the doctors are saying everything is where it should be and I can expect an uncomplicated delivery. The ultrasounds are all normal and I'm just starting to feel it kick now. I know I can't wait to hear our baby laugh or cry and I'm sure my wife can't wait either but you know how women are - so afraid to let their feelings be known. But I know she's getting excited because she can't seem to stop touching my belly. She insists that I'm even more sexy than the first day we met and I do wish I could believe her but God bless her for at least trying to make me feel better.

I remember the night we conceived. It had to be that night because my sex drive for a month or so prior was simply non-existent. She did make that night special and though I was totally not into it at first, I quickly warmed up to the possibilities she so gently hinted at.

It all started with a wonderful, low carb/high protein steak dinner with a lovely shrimp cocktail she made, and a fantastic bottle of Bordeaux. She even put on a gorgeous sun dress and this perfume that always had an intoxicating effect on me. I could tell she wanted intimacy by the looks she gave me as our eyes met over the flicker of the candles aglow in our pewter candelabra and frankly, I was about due for some intimacy myself. I believe I even rushed my meal a little as the thought of sharing myself with her became more and more exciting.

Our conversation during dinner was more intimate than usual too, and I really think it had an effect on how I behaved that glorious, amazing night. We talked of our hopes, our dreams, our jobs, our magazine subscriptions; I think I fell in love all over again! She really was the person I'd first met and not some stranger that occupied the bed, as I had thought only days before. I was full on ready for passion by the time we finished our pistachio gelato.

She wiped the corners of her mouth with her napkin and stood up and looked at me, her eyes penetrating my very soul. She walked around the table and lifted me into her arms and carried me to the bedroom. I could feel her muscles bulging almost as much as I was, if you know what I mean.

She gently let me down onto the bed as a feather falls gently to the ground when let go in the autumn breeze. I opened myself up to her, daring her to take me. And she did. Oh, she did! I felt her smooth skin flush against my own, her dominating, feminine presence as she lay atop me - covering me with her womanliness. It struck me for a moment that I needed to feel like a man again and the only one capable of giving that to me was the woman I loved. Needless to say, she accomplished that.

We made love that night but we made much more. We made our baby.
The baby that grows inside me.
The baby we both love.

My only wish now is that she'd get the hint and go out and buy me some fucking Turkish Delight.

Kayyyy, bye for now.

Friday's Fun Foot Fotograph For Fellow Fans Of Feet (Vol.4)

2006-02-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, I talked a little about Mariah Carey's wonderful feet and it got me to thinking that I should spend today's space showing off some other famous women's feet. The difference is that today, the women shown here have much more substance than Mariah and are far more attractive because of it.

Enjoy folks, and have a very pleasant weekend.

Sexy feet are much sexier when sexy legs accompany them. Jessica Rabbit of Who Framed Roger Rabbit certainly proves that!

The futuristic toe-beauty of Jane Jetson will certainly be something future generations of women will want to emmulate!

And who could forget the lovely duo that spawned many a young boy's 3-some fantasies, Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone!

Ooh la la, You know Lois Griffin is into pretty much anything!

Oil me up Olive and calls me Brutus! Ga ga ga ga ga!

K, bye for now

Memories of Paul

2006-02-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

Normally I'm not prone to silly little outbursts of sentimentallity, but ah shucks, I just have to take a stroll down Rue Memory.

My friend Paul is leaving the town (Edmonton, Alberta, Canada) where he currently lives and is moving to Toronto to become a big time jack hammer operator. We've had a lot of memories together and I'd just like to share some of the highlights with you.

Memories:

Remember the time we tried to eat that homeless person? Wow, that was some crazy stuff. What was really funny was that we couldn't find a clean fork anywhere! Remember we tried to use that plastic fork but the tongs kept breaking off so we just decided to take his shoes? I totally l-o-l-ed my ass off when you put them on and ran through the inner city yelling, "HUMP ME NOW WHILE I'M STILL FRESH!"

Remember when you, Kerry, Damon, and I all slept with Lee Aaron on the same night and we only had one condom? I'm welling up as I type.

I remember when you passed out at that party in Calgary and Cory Mack thought it would be funny to put your hand in warm water so you'd pee yourself but all we had was a coffee tin full of battery acid. Now your ring falls off all the time and we all call you "Mr. Bare-knuckle boxer man."

Hey Paul, remember when we went golfing with Paul Sveen and I kept calling you Paul but I was reffering to Paul Sveen, not you? You never did notice but I felt silly about that. Sorry.

One of my favorite memories was the very first time I met you. You came up to me and said, "Hi there."
You nut!

Remember when we started that band and we were jamming in Kerry's garage and you came up with that tune that went "Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk in your trunk?" And I replied, "I'm gonna git git git you drunk." Then it was stolen by that other band and we couldn't prove in court that we wrote it nor could we really remember if it was something we came up with first or that we were just sooo baked that we may have transposed the present and the past?

Remember when we followed the Rev. Jim Jones to Guyana and just as everyone was keeling over from the poison, you yelled out "Hey Kool-Ade!" and that big red ewer came out of the walls and we swore we'd never drop acid again?

Remember when I wore your pants because, well, they were your pants?

I hope you have an excellent, rewarding time in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. I don't know if you're going there to find success or what, but just know that you're the kind of fella who success will find on its own no matter where you go (except maybe Piapot Saskatchewan).

We will surely miss you!

K, bye for now Paul.

P.S. This turned far too sappy. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk about 'drunk sex' or something.

Let's get philosophical!

2006-02-01T06:37:00.000-07:00

There are two types of people in this world: Me, and everyone else.

I'm not so self involved to think that everyone else exists simply to create the atmosphere in which I exist, no. And on the flip-side of that, I know...I KNOW I'm not put on this planet to cater to you (and by "you" I mean the other 4.9999999999999999999999 billion people living on this dirt-ball).

Do you want to know why I'm here?

That's right, you guessed it - I was put on this planet to have hobbies!

I'm sure one day I'm going to want to include "pondering the bigger questions" as one of my hobbies but right now, I'm into woodworking. I guess that's slightly Jesus-like, but I could never take that next step and try to gain a mass following. And let's not even get into turning water into wine. Hell, last time I made Kool-ade it was way too sweet.

I was big into physics there for awhile. I took a standard approach to trying to learn it but it all became too much. I figured I'd start out with basic Galileo dropping stuff off a rooftop, then moving to apples falling from trees, and then onto E=MC squared. It sounds easy enough but Christ on crutches, it doesn't take long before you find yourself reading about particle physics or string theory and thinking "I would much rather have my testicles nawed off by badgers than try and comprehend this stuff." Plus, I gained 35lbs trying to learn. Every time they referenced Pi, I got hungry (baddum ching).

Making plastic models was a lot of fun until I started putting the glue in paper bags and huffing instead of putting it on the tail of my Spitfire or the steering wheel of my Porsche 911.

I learned many, many things when I got into my conspiracy theory phase. I learned that aliens have given the American government the ability to make Zero Point Energy propulsion machines, I've learned that there is a huge population of people living underground who run everything above ground, and I learned that I really couldn't give a shit about any of it. But it is fun to read, I'll admit that.
(*Note - did you know that we're all born with a 6 ounce chunk of gold in our butts and doctors aren't really spanking babies, they're stealing the gold to give to "The One They Call Mortimer"?)

There are still many things I'd like to take up as a hobby but haven't found the time. In no particular order, here are some fun things you might want to try:

Tear Collecting - make your friends cry then collect a tear from each one. It'd be the saddest scrapbook ever!

Arm bending - go on, bend your arm!

Razor Blade crafts - make different things using razor blades! (but not if you have Parkinson's disease)

Grave Robbing - this lost hobby is just waiting to be re-discovered!

Passive S & M - don't spank his/her ass, just look at it and wish it harm

Firestarting - develop the talent of setting things ablaze with your mind.

Anyway, that's my philosophy!

K, bye for now.

P.S.
Oh yeah, there's another hobby you can take on. Start with an idea like your personal philosophy then go!, then look back on it after you're done and wonder how you got from point A to point Q.

It's Tuesday!

2006-01-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

C'mon everyone, sing along with me!
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits...(k, breathe),

... tuesday, its tuesday
It's really really tuesday
Slam the trunk on Monday's funk
And smile 'cause it's Tuesday!

Not Thursday or Wednesday
Best if it was Friday
But Tuesday is okay
So sing along with me...

(big finish. c'mon, I know you can do it!)

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits...
...Tuesday, It's Tuesday
It's really, really tuesday
So slam that trunk on Monday's funk
And smiiiiiile...
Becaussssssssssse...
It's Tuuuuuuuuuuueeeessssssdayyyyyyyy!

Yeah!

K, bye for now.

Boy, did I ever rock out this weekend

2006-01-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

In an effort to recapture my youth, I went out on Saturday and watched an all original, live band that went by the name of "Stage Door Johnny." It's been far too long since I've done something like that by myself but it was worth the wait. I even spent a good chunk of Friday evening and Saturday afternoon getting things I would need for my outing because all of my "tools" have been lost over the years.

My first stop was "The Leather Boutique" for a brand new rock 'n' roll leather jacket. My second stop was "The Thrift Store" because brand new rock 'n' roll leather jackets are friggin' expensive. I found a great one though. In all honesty, I can't say it's "real" leather but it almost looks like it, and at $5.00, you can't go wrong. It did have a faint odor that I can only describe as old, wet carpet with undertones of mildewed balsamic vinegar but it was so faint that only the checkout girl and the man behind me in line could smell it. If I made one mistake, it was not checking the washing instructions until I got home. Apparently, it needs to be pre-soaked in something called "bioclycepticane #17," which, upon further investigation, was discontinued in 1976 for causing birth defects. Luckily, 6 years ago I had a vasectomy so these things don't bother me but since I'm all out of bioclycepticane #17, I just decided to Fabreeze the hell out of it.

I also found a great pair of dungarees to wear! Alot of the young people that go to these rock'n' roll shows wear them and I was kinda hoping to meet a chick and have a one night stand. These were a fantastic pair! They had a zipper that ran from the front waist-line all the way around to the back so if you unzipped it all the way, you'd have two halves. Is that not easy access or what? And because I had a limited budget, I bought them from the defective, discount bin. The seams run down the front on the left leg and the right leg is 3 inches shorter than the other. But you could barely notice, really. Oh, and I also bought a Hello Kitty t-shirt to complete the ensemble.

I needed to have drugs too. You can't go see a rock 'n' roll show without drugs. I didn't know where to find Ecstacy, so I just asked the paperboy if he knew where I could find some Hashish. Turns out, his dad is a vice cop! I smoothed it over when his dad came around by telling him his son misunderstood me when I said my wife made "Mashished" potatoes. So I didn't get any drugs but I did get a stern warning and an invitation to start reading another newspaper.

So, with my new gear on and a lack of drugs, I went to the rock 'n' roll show. The band played very, very, very, very, very, very loudly. So loud, the bass coming out of the speakers bruised one of my kidneys. The band cussed alot too. When I was a young person, not once did I ever hear Stevie Wonder use the word "cunt." Ike Turner maybe, but I never did see him and Tina play live so I can't say for sure.

And the young people are crazy dancers! I even went into the mash pit and mashed...at least until my trick knee gave out. It must've looked like I was drunk. When my knee gives out, the rest of me goes all wonky. I even fell into this girl who had a nose ring with a chain that went to her nipple (she wore a mesh top with no bra. How can you forget to put a bra on?), then from her nipple into her belly button then another chain from her belly button into her pants. Man oh man, it's like putting a leash on a taco!

This is getting too long so I'm gonna stop now. But I did have a ton of fun! I never got that one night stand though. I think I'm gonna go see another band next weekend and do some more mashing in the mash pit, smoke some grass and hunt down the chain-link girl and make sweet, gentle love to her. I think she could use some soft caresses.

K, bye for now

Friday's Fun Foot Fotograph For Fellow Fans Of Feet!

2006-01-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

Here's installment # 3 of the Friday Fun Foot Fotograph For Fellow Fans of Feet. And today we feature the 60 Octave range footsy wootsies of Mariah Carey.

Let me start by saying that I'm not a fan of Mariah's "music." Yes, she can sing well but what she chooses to sing and how she acts in public make me wretch. But good gosh, she has nice toesies! I suppose when you can afford a $500.00 pedicure, anything is possible but hey, good on her!

I also like the fact that there are tons of pics of Miriah where she shows them off. If you have any insight into celebrity ego and you've paid attention to semi - nude pics of these often childish idiots, you can see that the feet are often cut off of the pic. I'm sure the main reason is vanity and I suppose I can't blame them. Even though I'm a lover of female feet, I certainly wouldn't want my bunyon laden digits splayed across magazines like Maxim or Vanity Fair. The only publication mine would see would be the New England Journal of Medicine.

By the way, is this her closet do ya think, or something the photographer set up in his studio? I count 27 pairs of shoes. You gotta know that what's hidden from the camera at least doubles, probably triples or even quadrouples that amount! Wowzers, give me an hour in that closet and it would look like that scene from Ghostbusters where the library gets slimed.

K, bye for now.

Okay, I lied

2006-01-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

ACHTUNG!

In yesterday's blog entry, I claimed I had acheived admission into the final circle of the Freemason's hierarchy and recieved an envelope with the "final secret" enclosed. I can't really go into detail as to why I must now tell you all it was a fabrication, but just trust me - it was a fabrication. I repeat: IT WAS ALL A FABRICATION!

Don't worry about me, my family and I are allright and insurance will cover the cost of rebuilding our home.

Thank you,

Mr. Winkie

P.S.

I apologize for this short blog entry but I haven't been myself. I'm shaky with nerves. I will be back to normal tomorrow with a safe and harmless blog entry entitled "Scientologists are Fuckin' a-holes." Stay tuned.

K, bye for now.

I'm Movin' On Up To A Deluxe Apartment In The Sky!

2006-01-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

Good day everyone!

Well last night was exciting! I finally, finally, finally had my induction into the final level of Freemasonry. It's been a very long, hard road but I perservered and was given my Diploma (complete with a golden happy face sticker on it), and an envelope containing the "final secret" of the world. And holy shit, is it a doozy! I'm not even allowed to say what it is, that's how important it is! But I will give you this hint: it involves a high level American Politician, an original copy of The Bible, strange alien markings, and a slide whistle!

The ceremony was kinda creepy though. My ass is still sore from the paddling and I've discovered that club soda does NOT get out lamb's blood no matter how hard you scrub. In fact, I wish that a good stain remover recipe was the "final secret." And all along, I thought Martha Stewart had masonic connections! I'm soo dumb! :)

I remember my first experience with my masonic brethren. I saw a bumper sticker on a Cadillac that read "2b1 u ASK1." Next to it was another bumper sticker that read "Sexism hurts everyone, especially broads." So I waited for the Cadillac owner to come out of the dollar store so I could ask him what that crazy fun bumper sticker meant. Sure enough, he came out toting a giant bag of items which must've cost him like 25 bucks! I could tell this guy was rich beyond my comprehension! He told me that he was a Freemason and that I could go to a meeting if I liked and if I wanted to join after a few visits, I could be initiated. Wow, it would be like those college things you see in movies where pledges run around the grounds naked, only I wouldn't have to eat anyone's feces!

So I went to a meeting and I liked it. It was soo much fun! We all talked about our businesses (I make jewelry out of Leggo and sell it at sporting events), we had a good laugh at the expense of foriegners and I had fresh ground coffee for the first time. It was Masonariffic!

So I went to a few meetings and eventually pledged my love to Satan, and that was that. It was all very easy. And a couple of the Auxillery club wives made a delicious Ambrosia. No, not the marshmellow salad, the actual Nectar of The Gods!

Funny things happened shortly after I was a member. I got a phone call, out of the blue, from a guy in Japan named Hiro Isuxiu. He saw my Leggo jewelry and told me that I had to stop using Leggo because it had a thing that doesn't allow you to use Leggo. My first thought was, "All those poor kids at Christmas can't even play with their toys?" He explained to me that Leopold (my sponsor and the guy with the bumper sticker) asked him to re-jig my jewelry designs and sell them in Japan. Well, he did and now I have something called a 'net worth' of 3.2 billion dollars. It seems like alot but you know what they say, "You always live according to your means," and it's so very expensive to plate everything you own with platinum.

So yeah, so that's me. I just wanted to say I had fun last night.

K, bye for now

Unmotivated

2006-01-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

When I was a punk ass punk, it was way cool to have no motivation. That doesn't sit well with me these days. For instance, I have no motivation to create a blog entry today but you know what? I'm gonna anyway. Sure, it's half-ass but at least it's here.

Enjoy these various incarnations of Catwoman! And at the risk of this being poll-like, why don't ya let me know which one is your favorite!

Halle Berry as "Catwoman"

Eartha Kitt as "Catwoman"

Julie Newmar as "Catwoman"

Lee Merriweather as "Catwoman"

Michelle Pfiefer as "Catwoman"

My Aunt Gladys as Catwoman

K, bye for now.

A Brief History Of The Straight Man/ Funny Man Comedy Duo

2006-01-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

The concept of the straight man/funny man has been around for thousands of years. Some of these duos remain cultural icons to this day, while most have faded into total obscurity.

The first acknowledged straight man/funny man comedy duo was uncovered by archeologists on a dig in Nevada. They found cave paintings that told the story of "KROD & DORK" who acted out intricate hunting stories that always ended up with DORK getting whacked on the head with a club, or DORK tripping and falling buttocks first onto a porcupine. The cave drawings even indicated that KROD & DORK charged a cover of 3 Sticks/show.

Dan Brown, author of the best selling book "The Davinci Code," has insisted for years that Jesus & Judas (pronounced Hay-soos & Hoo-duss) started out as a musical comedy duo until their relationship eventually soured. He claims that Jesus was the straight man and main writer, while Judas' talents lay mainly in providing harmonies and doing pratfalls. Brown even goes so far as to hypothosize that The Sermon On The Mount was the first ever concert presentation and the impitus for the duo's downfall. He insists that the bible code reveals that Jesus made off with all the door receipts and it angered Judas (and the Roman Winery that sponsored the event) so much that Jesus was hunted down and crucified for "screwing 'em over."

Europe was taken by storm in the late 18th Century by the first ever multi cultural comedy pairing of The Earl Of Martin & The Marquis de Louis. Very little is known about this comedy duo other than the Marquis de Louis was thrown in prison for spraying Luis XVI (no relation) with a misfired spit-take. Apparently, The Marquis de Louis died of syphilis just days before the Storming of the Bastille.

But it was the days of American Vaudeville that saw the comedy duo rise to previously unknown heights. Literally millions of comedy duos popped up over night and quite often comedy bits (bits of comedy) were shared among performers. In fact, one of the most famous bits of comedy (comedy bit) Who's On First" is often credited to Bud Abbott & Lou Costello when it was actually first explored and brought to stage (although in slightly different form) by 2 New York intellectuals by the name of Jackie Black & Steven White. These two students of existentialism were fed up by base humor involving banana peels and wooden planks to the head. They wanted to raise the bar a little by exploring a more cerebral approach to comedy. Perhaps it was the cumbersome title that made their version of it fail. They called the bit "Why Is Who On First, And Why Would Anyone Bother Going To Second And Then On To Third When An Umpire Who Was Created By Human Beings To Give Their Pathetic Lives Meaning, Would Call Them Out Anyway?"
Say what you will about Abbot & Costello's originalitiy, but their version made depression era audiences less depressed.

The late 1960's and early 1970's saw a resurgence of sorts for the comedy duo. But it didn't take long for audiences to reject bit's about doing acid, psychedellic music, and gang-banging Goldie Hawn.

Maybe the Straight Man/Funny Man comedy duo will make a triumphant return. Maybe one day the marquee will shine again with names like "Punky & Brewster," or, "Roe & Wade." Who knows?

K, bye for now

Top 10 Reasons To Not Put Up A Poll In Your Blog

2006-01-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

I've had some stupid ideas, but who'd a thunk the poll question would be the stupidest?

Apparently, no one sees any humor in asking a poll question about feet.

Feet, people!

I thought it was a lame enough idea to not cause fuss.

Please disregard the poll.

See ya Monday.

Okay, it's poll time!

2006-01-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

Allright, it seems not everyone likes my little foot fetish. All I ever wanted was to share my mental illness and what happens? I get flack for it.

My poll question is:

Should the "Friday's Fun Foot Fotograph for Fellow Fans of Feet" be discontinued?

To answer poll, merely go to comments section and give this weekly feature either a "Toes Up!" if I should keep it, or a "Toe Tag!" if it should be terminated.

This is good excersise if you're Canadian as we have an election coming up next week.

Remember to excersise your democratic right and vote today!

K, bye for now

Friday Fun Foot Fotograph For Fellow Fans Of Feet! Installment #2

2006-01-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

The best invention ever (a close second are those pictures where you have to squint your eyes, concentrate on the pattern, then a 3-d pic of a Unicorn in the woods suddenly materializes) is the Google Image Search. It's with this tool that I found today's Foot Fotograph. Sexy feet are sexy but a sexy woman making her sexy feet even more sexy is like almost too much sexy for me to handle...almost.

I've even made up a little fantasy about this young lady. Wanna hear it? Good!

I'm in a bowling alley, right? I've been working there for 5 years, spraying shoes with Lysol and applying treatments to the lanes after closing time. When everyone is gone and I'm about to close, I walk to the back of the alley to fix what I think is a wayward bowling pin jammed into the gutter and it has to be removed manually. I open the door that leads me to the machinery and there's this lady in the picture, eating an ice cream cone and wearing nothing but a Ramone's hoodie and high heel sandles. She says, "Hey, Mr. Winkie, take me to the Captain and tell him why I'm here. I wanna stay in your world, while my world dissapears!"

Then we have sex on the beach.

K, bye for now.

Stardate 01-19-2006

2006-01-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

6:17am - Awake now. Classic rock has been blaring out my alarm clock for 2 minutes. According to Tom Cochrane, Life is a highway. Why do I feel like I'm hitchiking on said highway with no thumbs? Ohh so groggy and cranky. Coffee will fix mood though. Be positive Mr. Winkie.

6:20am - There's no coffee left. Forced to make tea. I checked to see if there's beer for when I get home tonight. No beer. Only red wine. Tea and red wine? Might as well cave in and wear a dress to work. But it'll be a good day. I can tell.

6:35am - I stubbed my toe on a chair. My eye's are filled with tears and I see streaks of light in my head. As I rub my toe, I notice redness on non stubbed toe. Yay! Athletes foot! I haven't done anything athletic in 12 years. It's okay, a shower will help me feel better.

6:37am - My 12 yr. old son got up early for the first time since he was 7 and had a shower before me. My 1 minute shower didn't do the trick. Cold water sucks. Testicles migrated to throat. They taste like Cheetos soaked in ass.

6:45am - Wife wakes up in foul mood. Claims to have been woken up in middle of night by one of my farts. Says she thought someone was at the door. Apparently, I'm a bastard and her neck is sore. Why can't she be more optimistic like me?

7:00am - Making lunches for 2 kids, myself & wife while wife has shower. It seems she has lots of hot water. Hmmm. Doing a nice, special lunch for them and seeing their happy faces will turn this day around.

7:12am - Wow! My family sure can be mean! 10yr old son hates cheese now. He decided that in his sleep because he didn't mind the lasagna I made last night.

7:25am New lunches made, going out to start the car. Mmm, fresh air always clears the mind!

7:27am - There's 5 steps down from front door of my house to sidewalk. I've been meaning to count them for awhile and figured that now was a good time as my head hit each one of them as I tumbled. At least I saved money by not having to buy a "clicker counter thing." Note to self - pick up "Ice Melt"

7:39am - Driving wife to work. Sitting in silence with the one you love can be nice. Sitting in silence with Ivan The Terrible in drag fucking bites.

7:55am - I have seen an image of the Holy Grail in the morning sky. It's taken the form of a Tim Horton's sign!

8:10am -I sure admire Tim Horton's hiring policy. Stood in line for 5 minutes and for the past 10 minutes, I've been explaining to the "person" what 2 cream and 2 sugars mean. I guess if you don't waltz in saying "double-double" they freak out.

8:25am - Sit down and write worst blog entry ever. Could this day get any worse?

8:45am - My boss walks into my office, closes the door, sweeps everything off my desk and says, "make love to me now!" So I do.

8:46am - My boss walks into my office, closes the door, nudges my shoulder and tells me to wake the fuck up. I immediately become alert and stand up and say sorry.

8:47am - My boss notices my erection, sweeps everything off my desk and says, "Ha ha ha ha! You have an erection!"

K, bye for now.

And Who Would You Do?

2006-01-18T08:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not big on pondering the larger questions in life. Questions like: Where do we come from? Is there a God? Is wearing white after labor day really that big of a deal? (i feel bad for The Glad Garbage Bag guy). But I was wondering around the electronic world the other day and saw this question posted on a message board:

"If you were forced into a one night stand with someone of the same sex and you could choose who it would be, who would you pick?"

Whenever I get asked a question like that- something totally devoid of any real substance- I'm all over it. I love the small things in life, the meaningless things. So I actually put some effort into my choice. If I had to have gay sex with a person of my own choosing, I would pick none other than...

...that's right, the biggest, baddest mother of 'em all...

Michael Clark Duncan!

He's a 6 foot 5 inch tall, choco-bass cannon!

* Note - he's the one in between the 2 ACTUAL gay guys.

Before you say, "Mr. Winkie, I figured you'd be more of a Steve Buscemi guy," please let me explain myself.

When I was a kid, my daddy always told me, "Son, I will support anything you choose to do. The only thing I ask is that you dive into it 110%." And frankly, choosing to have gay sex with Michael Clark Duncan when you've never had gay sex is certainly diving in 110%. In fact, it might even be as high as 120-125%.

Plus, have you heard Michael Clark Duncan talk? He's got that bass voice that makes you vibrate all over. Pillow talk would shake you right off the bed! And I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a threesome with him and Barry White. All I know is that it would be the biggest, bassiest, ugliest Oreo Cookie imaginable.

Another reason why I would choose him is he seems like a good listener and someone who really would care about my feelings. We could talk about his film roles, maybe.

Of course, he'd be the chick in all this. After all, it's "MR" Winkie - not Missus Winkie.

K, bye for now

BOO!

2006-01-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I thought I had nothing to write about (I stole an idea from a friends blog without telling him, tee hee hee) and now I feel like a friggin' knob. I totally forgot that my son and I had a Horror Movie night on the weekend. I feel shame for thinking I had nothing to write about. I'm a turdfarting wing-a-ding (my kid likes that one. Mind you, he has one extra chromosome).

So here we go:

When I was in my late 0's and early 10's, I became fascinated with horror films. That fascination was solidified when my best friend's uncle took us to the movie theatre he owned, sat us in the back row and said "Just watch the movie and keep quiet, I'll be down to get you when I've finished running the film."

That movie was "The Changeling" starring George C Scott. Horror buffs will tell you that its one of the scariest, shit-pants inducing films ever created (hey patriots, it's Canadian too!). What I like about it is there is absolutely no gore, no swearing and no crazy monsters who hate Japan. It's a basic, psychological mind fuck, kid in the attic type flick.

I reached a couple milestones that night:

1) It was the first time I'd ever been to a movie without parental supervision.

2) It was the first time I embraced another dude for an extended period of time.

In retrospect, I don't have a clue what my friend's uncle was thinking but I admit to really enjoying the rush of being terrified and enjoying the comforting warmth that only fresh urine can provide a 12 year old boy. Admittedly, there are alot of shite horror films but when they're good, they're one of the most beautiful works of art on the planet!

Now, my 12 yr. old son was complaining a few weeks back that I'm too strict about what I let him watch (maybe if more parents paid attention to their kids' entertainments, there would be fewer school shootings and less Britney). But I did admire the fact that he came to me and basically said that he was ready to take on some more "meaty" stuff. So I told him that I've been a horror film nerd since I was his age and that we could get the shit scared out of us together. I tell ya, he was into it like Ridley Scott's Alien was into John Hurt!

So we rented 2 movies as a sort of 'beginners course.' We had to start with Dracula (I thought we'd rent an old version like Nosferatu or Bella Lagosi's but the kids today need modern effects and crap and stuff) so I rented Bram Stoker's Dracula with Gary Oldman, Keanu Reeves (the only thing scarier than Dracula puking blood was Reeves' performance) and Anthony Hopkins. Sean (my kid) loved it! He didn't find it scary but he did like the story and managed to not be bothered by the pace of the film which can be a bit slow sometimes and I think he really enjoyed the copious amounts of nudity as well.

I was proud.

Then we watched the second movie, The Excorsism of Emily Rose. I'm not going to get into how I felt about the film (I'm soo jaded) but this movie to him was like The Changeling to me. He hugged his pillow, jumped in all the right places, claimed to have to pee after every scary scene and wouldn't stop talking about black stuff coming out of people's eyes.

It was a good night. We hung out and we shared something we both like. I can't wait til he's 18 and we break out the Bong!

K, bye for now.

One man's admission leads to another man's blog idea.

2006-01-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine cries. He told me he does and I've seen him do it. I've seen many friends cry. Not just girls, but guys too and I admire them for it. I'll admit, I cry too. It usually happens when I'm lying on the couch, just getting to the point in the film my wife chose where the lead actress finds out that leaving her husband with her 2 kids so she can have one last fling in Paris before she succumbs to a rapidly advancing brain tumor was a bad life choice, then the dog jumps up on my lap, right onto my gonads. That's when tears well up and I go to the bathroom and cry.

So much pain & emotion I just can't contain myself.

I cried when my kids were born. When I cut the umbillical cord of my youngest son (didn't have the honor of doing the first), I was sooo overcome with emotion and queasiness that I cried and barfed and tooted too. Trust me, you can't imagine what it's like to lose that much internal pressure until you've experienced it yourself. And it was that opening of the valves that led to me fainting, it had nothing to do with me being a big wuss.

I cried when I heard that Pablo Escabar died. He was the South American gent who supplied North America with something like 90% of it's cocaine. I didn't cry because I do cocaine (I can't stand the stuff), but I cried because suddenly, high pressure home electronics salesmen would now be very cranky and even more difficult to haggle with and getting a decent deal would be next to impossible.

I cried the first time I heard the song American Pie. I thought to myself, "Christ Madonna, what the hell are you talking about? What does "singing dirges in the dark" mean and how come you can't write another hit like "Lucky Star" or show us your tits again or something?

What I'm getting at is that it's allright guys... cry. Let the world know that you have feelings and emotions. Let your friends know you're human. Let the water flow out of you like shit flows out of campaigners' mouths around election time. Which totally reminds me that I'll probably cry when I hear the outcome of our federal election in a couple of weeks.

K, bye for now.

Friday Fun Foot Fotograph For Fellow Fans Of Feet!

2006-01-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would write something in it everyday ('cept weekends) and so far I've been true to my word. But, if I may quote the Sex Pistols, "I'm a lazy sod." So I've determined that Friday's entry will be nothing more than a picture of a foot or feet I like with maybe a brief description or maybe not. I dunno, I'm new still.

And I guess I should apologize to those of you who don't give a rat's poop cave about feet but I will paraphrase something I've heard many lame-o comedians say: "If I could just reach one person and change their lives, then I've done my job" (cue wretching sounds).

So, without further adieu, I submit to you today's...

"Friday Fun Foot Fotograph For Fellow Fans of Feet!"

By the way, I'm not a total foot freak. Sure, I can't get off without a woman walking on my back in golf spikes, but it's the whole body that counts and nice feet just make it all...nice. I do think Blogspot may have a problem with most of the foot pics I like that have full body shots, so for now, we'll just show them peedies!

K, bye for now.

I AM A GOD!

2006-01-11T15:09:00.000-07:00

I sure admire people's searches for a higher meaning and wish them all the luck in the world! To all of you searchers out there I say: Way to go Buddhists! Nice job Christians! Kuddos Muslims! Party On Satanists!

I, personally, will not be joining you on your searches. At least, not at this point in my life anyway. I've longed believed (ever since some scalliwag priest tried to diddle my friends and I back in '81...ah yes, '81!) that whatever higher power that's out there probably doesn't have much time to deal with what's going on down here. Pardon the reference but, Christ, whomever it is would be way to busy!

I could never be a deity. I'm far too disorganized. I'd do something like send my only son down to earth to pay for the sins of mankind and forget to give him arms and legs. What would've the Romans done then, huh? "Okay Pontius, we can't nail him to the cross. Whadda ya say we just tickle him until he recants his heresy?"

Being any deity with the power to look down and see how the people you created have turned into total knobs would be frustrating and sad too. I'd be over to the god shrink faster than you can say Rorschach. "Tell me how you feel today, God." "Well, those people down there keep killing each other because of my book and just when I need family support, my kid is running around, hiding in grilled cheese sandwiches and window panes." No, definately not the life for me.

Being an Imp would be allright if it weren't for the gay name. Although most gay men I know are a bit impish. I like going to the local gay watering hole and watching those fiendishly well dressed guys being all catty and slippin' roofies into unsuspecting straight men's drinks, then when the guy passes out, they put his hand in warm lotion (he'll have to pee but his hands will be soft) then, instead of drawing a moustache on his lip, they'll make his lips look fuller with that make up pencil and groom his eyebrows (at least that's what happened to me in '81...ah yes, '81!). Then the poor bastard wakes up in the 360 degree mirror room and is being shit on for wearing Lee jeans and a camoflauged jacket and he can't take it so he pulls out his machete and chops people up like he was Paul Bunyan then he draws a pentagram on the floor with gay blood and sings Zeppelin songs... like me.

(* the addition of "like me" in the preceding sentence was an "in joke" for one person. Don't fret if you don't get it. Hell, I don't get it)

Anywhoo, mama don't let your babies grow up to be Gods.

K, bye for now.

If music be the food of love, could you turn it down just a little?

2006-01-11T08:08:00.000-07:00

Oh my children, it's a wondrous day for newly pubesced girls and the 5 or 6 recently pubesced boys who are smart enough to realize that Skyreach center in Edmonton is the place to be tonight! The Princess of Pissy Music Hillary Duff is slated to "rock" the asses off 15,000 screaming kids and take every one of their parent's merchandising pennies.

I have a theory on a young person's ability to distinguish decent music from what corporations like Disney hand over to them.

When my children were young and I read to them every night, I did not read them passages of Umberto Eco's "Foccault's Pendulum" or "Rise & Fall of the Third Reich." I read them things like "Good Night Moon" or " Green Eggs and Ham." Both of which are fine examples of literature for kids but not something any semi-educated person has lying around on their night-stand. No way. If my night-stand is gonna be cluttered with half empty water glasses and my stash box, I'm gonna have something decent there to act as a flat surface for joint rolling. Not "I Need To Pee, Mommy."

I think various entertainments and particularly music are similar that way. Sure, there will always be kids who get turned on to Myles Davis far sooner than any of their friends but for the most part, kids like shit. And that's okay.

I don't know how many times I was forced to listen to the horrible sounds of Barney's Best!, Elmo's Hootenanny, or Ted Nugent's Double Live Gonzo, but just like books taught the kids basic sentence structure and story telling, shit music teaches kids basic rhythm and song structure.

So let the little buggers like what they like and don't be judgmental. Just love 'em and remember back to the day when you're parents yelled at you because they were sick of hearing One Eyed, One Horned, Flying Purple People Eater over and friggin' over again.

K, bye for now.

"Making Blogs out of nothing at all"

2006-01-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

Last night I lay awake in bed worried, children. I worried that I didn't have anything to write in my blog. So for inspiration I checked out some other blogs to see what those people were writing about. It turns out I lost sleep for no reason at all.

The amazing thing about this particular blog publishing site is the amount of Spaniards that blog. My educated guess is that 97 percent of all blogs are in Spanish. But then again, all throughout history, the Spanish have been trail blazers. Here's some excerpts from Ferdinand Megellan's blog:

Dec. 26/1519 -Wow, it's boxing day and we're leaving Rio and I didn't catch one sale! Denied again (at least I got in some beach volleyball). I will say this though, "Man, the chicks in Rio are el mucho hot!" Now I have to spend the next 5 years hanging out with sailors...men sailors. Ugh.

Feb.2/1521 - Geezus, my gums won't stop bleeding. Who does an explorer have to blow to get an orange around here?

Aug.17/1524 - You know, I really thought my first mate would get the hint when I named them the "Straights" of Megellan but I still wake up with him gently rubbing his 'member' on my cheek. This guy is sooo fired when we get homo. Tee hee.

Sept. 23/1525 - Everyone always talks about that wop Columbus but he's old school. He's yesterday's news, man. Well buddy, there's a new kid in town! When I find a land mass, I'm gonna name it "Megellawood!"

Nov. 2/ 1525 - Nix the Megellawood, just found a spot and the Natives are calling it "Hawaii." First mate and I are gettin' married if the cops don't deny us. Stupid cops. El porko grandes.

See? Writing a blog is easy!

K, bye for now.

*1:28 pm - I just did some research and found out that Megellan was actually Portuguese and NOT Spanish. Please go back and replace all references to "Megellan" with "Ponce De Leon."

Mr. Winkie thanks you for your understanding.

Happy Frickin' Monday, Jellybeans!

2006-01-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

On Saturday my wife and I went "ice fishing" with two other couples at a "couples ice fishing retreat." None of us had ever "ice fished" before so we were kinda nervous as it was a large group of experienced "ice fisherpersons" putting on the whole "ice fishing" party. We showed up at the "lake" and there were numerous little "huts" with some "huts" looking much nicer than other "huts" but no one seemed to have "hut-envy" or anything. We had a welcoming person who showed us around. She showed us the coolers where the beer was, the "fishing gear" we could use because we didn't bring our own, she showed us the spot where you could go "warm up" together and finally, she showed us where everyone goes to "clean the fish." In fact, she showed us (and the entire group) what exactly a person could do to "catch more fish!" She didn't have the nicest "hut" but boy, could she really "get the fish jumping into her lap" with her technique!

The six of us began pretty much observing how "experienced fishermen" prepare for a long stretch of "fishing." Some of the other "fishermen" would walk by our hut and even seemed to be sizing us up to see if we had what it takes to join them because as you know, "fishing" is an activity that takes some skills.

After several visits to the "beer cooler" we made our way to the group "fish cleaning" spot to see what was going on. There were about 10 other couples who were just crazily "counting their fish," "gutting the fish," and just everything you could imagine and they were all enjoying it like crazy. My wife is a little more squeamish than I but it sure didn't take long for us to get into it and do our thang with our "fish." It really was a party atmosphere where you wouldn't normally expect one.

I gotta say, I expected to enjoy the whole experience before we went but not as much as I did! Even my squeamish wife had a really good time (except for the one knob who wouldn't stop watching her "scaling technique"). But even that wasn't much trouble. I really hope her and I can go again.

Hey honey? My birthday is coming up in March, whadda ya say?

K, bye for now. Tee hee hee.

Happy Friday!

2006-01-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

To tide yall over for the weekend (man, I'm treating it like someone reads this thing) here's a picture of a shoe I like. I like it because it maintains an open top of the foot yet the straps subtetly hint at bondage. Now, if only my wife would agree to wear something like these, I wouldn't have to publish pics and talk about them. I've tried to convince her that if she did wear something like this, our "sessions" would be done much quicker and she could go on with reading her Dianne Galbadon, scottish romanc/fantasy novels much sooner. Does anyone out there want to talk to her on my behalf?

Have a good weekend people! See ya Monday.

Bring on the Catharsis

2006-01-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

Normally I don't embarrass easily when I'm a goofball on my own terms. Nothing is more fun than walking through a crowded mall, falling to the ground, pointing up and yelling, "It's falling, it's falling!!" There are times, though, when I get extremely embarrassed and these times happen when I do something totally retarded without meaning to. One such weight I've carried on my shoulders for many, many years is this:

I used to masturbate while listening to the song Roxy Roller.

A few years before I realized that "diddlin' the feller" was a perfectly enjoyable way of spending leisure time, I'd heard this song and I had no idea why I was in love with whoever was singing it. All I knew at this point in my life was that it felt good to wrestle with Jenine my babysitter. But the years went by and by '81, when alone, I'd occasionally throw on a K-tel record with this track and have myself a little "winkie time."

Then, one day in '84 or '85 I picked up a Rolling Stone that had a "where are they now" section and in it was the band Sweeny Todd. It wasn't until then I found out that the lead singer and hottest voiced chick I'd ever heard was none other than a fellow fellow by the name of Nick Gilder. Yeah, a dude. I didn't puke but I did go to church that weekend and asked God to guide me through this confusing time.

So there you have it. I've carried this shame for far too long and here I am...open...vulnerable...ashamed, yet at peace. Mind you, I'll still toss off to Roxy Roller occasionally but I don't imagine Nick Gilder singing it. I imagine someone else, someone sexier and more contemporary, like the singer from The Darkness. I bet she's hot.

Hot child in the city and sex-pot voiced singer Nick Gilder

Feeling good? Well do ya...punk?

2006-01-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

Christ, I feel good today! I feel all warm and fuzzy - kinda like balls wrapped in flannel. The last time I felt this good was the morning of Sept. 11/01. Now before you go all politically correct on my ass, let me explain.

September 11/01 started out as one of the best days ever for me. I awoke that morning with an inexplicable feeling of absolute inner peace and instead of my usual routine of trying to get synapses firing by watching morning news, I thought I'd ride this peace wave and enjoy a nice coffee and cigarette out on the deck in total silence (other than my occassional humming of the chorus of "Video Killed The Radio Star"). I gleefully got ready for work and even put some effort into chosing the clothes I'd wear. I grab my discman and put in The Hanson Bros. (no, not the pukey boy band but the fun, non-political version of No Means No) and head to the bus stop. My bus shows up and I walk on, throw in the required 8 bucks or whatever, flush the change for the driver and inadvertently yell out the intro to the Hanson Bros. remake of the Stompin Tom classic, "The Hockey Song." The intro for it is the same as all their songs and they do it as an homage to the Ramones. The intro is thus: "1-2-3-4!" I felt embarassed but other than the bus driver wincing, no one else seemed to care.

Now, when I worked downtown, I'd get dropped off about 3 blocks from my work and walk the pedway to a coffee shop and get another jolt of nature's broom. The pedway was always empty and I'd normally use that time to talk to myself and work out jokes or song lyrics I was writing. That day though, I danced. I danced and spun and would've done the splits, but my balls were wrapped in flannel, hence reduced mobility.

I compose myself, turn a corner that leads to a hallway that brings me to the coffee shop and enter it with a "We're off to see the Wizard..." step I enjoy doing from time to time. Roger (the owner of Aroma Borealis) is standing with his back to the counter, listening intently to his radio he had on a back shelf. By this time I've put Zappa into my discman and rather than saying "Good morning, Roger," I sing, " Gotta cheerleader here wants to help with my paper, let her do all the work and maybe later I'll rape her."

He turns. He's ashen. He says, "One of the Trade Center towers just collapsed." I reply in my best Zappa voice, "Watch me now, I'm going down." Then I giggle. Then I get the story. Then I cry. Then I go back to feeling pretty good about myself and shitty about everything else.

Now when I feel this way, I get worried.